Fun The Joke Thread

[ant-mac]

And as I climaxed inside of her, I knew I'd never be allowed to visit the Statue of Liberty again...

 

[ant-mac]

In reality, I'm a man trapped inside the body of a woman...

It happened last night while we were trying a new position and we're both too embarrassed to phone for help.

 

[ant-mac]

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said, “It’s going to rain.”

His wife asked, “How do you know?”

“Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”

 

[ant-mac]

My mate told me he's going out with twins.

I said to him, "That's great, but how do you tell them apart?"

He said, "The brother has a moustache."

 

[ant-mac]

I was in bed with a blind girl last night and she said I had the biggest penis she'd ever laid her hands on. I said, "You're pulling my leg."

 

[ant-mac]

I went for my routine check up today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my arse!

Do you think I should change dentists?

 

[ant-mac]

Three cowboys sat around a campfire, bragging about how tough they were.

The first cowboy said, "I was attacked by six rustlers, but I was able to fight them all off single-handed."

The second cowboy said, "That's nothing! I killed a whole war party of Apaches single-handed with my Winchester."

The third cowboy said nothing. He just sat there quietly stoking the fire with his dick.

 

[chainsaw_metal1]

I once dated a girl with a wooden leg. But I broke it off.

 

[ant-mac]

I used to date a girl with a wandering eye, but I let her go when I found that she was seeing someone on the side.

 

[ant-mac]

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated, but must come back as a different creature. She said she'd like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

 

[ant-mac]

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said I should prepare for the worst. So I have to go to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

 

[ant-mac]

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker. Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend... yet.

 

[ant-mac]

I used to date a girl who had had a colostomy, but we broke up because she always left me holding the bag.

 

[chainsaw_metal1]

Two turkeys were set next to each other in the grocer's freezer. One says to the other "Boy, it's cold in here". The other replies "Ah! A talking turkey!"

 

[ant-mac]

Santa: "C'mon little girl, sit on Santa's lap."

Girl: "I'm 18, Santa."

Santa: "C'mon little girl, sit on Santa's face..."

 

[chainsaw_metal1]

Nentanyahu, Teresa May, and Putin are sitting in a bar.

“MI-6 is the world’s best intel agency,” May brags. “We traced that polonium directly to a lab in Moscow!“

“That’s nothing!” Bibi scoffs. “Mossad slowed the Iranian nuclear weapons program by inserting a virus into their centrifuges!“

"Child’s play!” sneers Putin. “The GRU sent our top double agent to Iraq who took a photo of Seal Team Five and posted it on Twitter!“

 

[ant-mac]

Heard over the tannoy system at the zoo: "Would the parents of the small child who fell into the tiger enclosure please come to lost property to collect her shoes."

 

[ant-mac]

Did you hear about the politician who voted against a new law to ban up-skirting?

I don't understand why...

If he wants a picture of a cunt, all he has to do is take a selfie.

 

[ant-mac]

And the Christian world is in shock and uproar today, with the release of irrefutable proof that the son of God was in fact gay...

It clearly states in the Bible that Jesus rode an ass.

 

[ant-mac]

I've heard that Viagra takes between 20 minutes to half-an-hour to work.

That's no bloody good...

By then, the woman's normally managed to wriggle free and escape.