Fun The Joke Thread

[ant-mac]

I was sitting in the park the other day, watching an old guy feeding the birds and I wondered how long had he been dead...?

 

[ant-mac]

The contestant looked up at the talent show judge and said: "I'd like to dedicate my song to a dear friend, who is lying in the Intensive Care Unit in the local hospital in critical condition, after he was struck down and run over while crossing the road yesterday."

The talent show judge nodded. "Very well, please continue."

"The wheels on the bus go round and round, round and round, round and round..."

 

[ant-mac]

The talent show judge looked up at the contestant and said: "When you said you were a Garry Glitter tribute act, we didn't think you meant..."

 

[chainsaw_metal1]

The talent show judge looked up at the contestant and said: "When you said you were a Garry Glitter tribute act, we didn't think you meant..."

I legit did a spit take reading this. Thank you, sir.

 

[ant-mac]

As the police officer slowly approached the car he'd just pulled over, the driver said: "Thank God you're here! Some guy just threw himself into the boot of my car and shot himself in the back of the head half-a-dozen times!"

 

[ant-mac]

And as the sperm swim relentlessly towards the egg, I can't help but wonder if I've ruined my fried-egg breakfast...

 

[chainsaw_metal1]

And as the sperm swim relentlessly towards the egg, I can't help but wonder if I've ruined my fried-egg breakfast...

You, sir, have no regard for the state of my keyboard. Then again, I should know better than to be sipping a beverage whilst reading your jokes.

 

[ant-mac]

You, sir, have no regard for the state of my keyboard. Then again, I should know better than to be sipping a beverage whilst reading your jokes.

Sorry about that, mate.

 

[chainsaw_metal1]

Sorry about that, mate.

No worries. By the way, did I ever tell you the one about the manbaby American "president" who was such a child he avoided real leaders and attended his own memorial service in France and only wanted to be by the side of his Russian master? It would be a funny joke if it weren't so sad...

 

[ant-mac]

No worries. By the way, did I ever tell you the one about the manbaby American "president" who was such a child he avoided real leaders and attended his own memorial service in France and only wanted to be by the side of his Russian master? It would be a funny joke if it weren't so sad...

Wasn't he the same sook who was afraid of the rain?

And apparently was incapable of closing an umbrella?

 

[ant-mac]

 

[ant-mac]

Sadomasochism is a perversion... and it must be clamped down on!

 

[ant-mac]

I've always been a very safety-conscious person. At the end of the day, I always switch off all the lights and unplug all the power points.

That's why I got the sack from working in the Intensive Care Unit at my local hospital.

 

[ant-mac]

I was down the street the other day when I suddenly got caught short and had to answer a call of nature.

But not only wouldn't the toilet flush, I'm now banned from the hardware store altogether!

 

[ant-mac]

When I spoke to the bank manager over the phone about getting a bank loan for my knitting business, he was very supportive.

But when I showed up to collect the cash, wearing one of the balaclavas I'd knitted...

 

[ant-mac]

I went to a Christmas party the other day, but I misheard what the hostess said and instead of kissing her under the mistletoe, I kissed her under the camel-toe...

Oops.

 

[ant-mac]

Do you want fuller, thicker lips?

Tell a nightclub bouncer he's a twat.

 

[ant-mac]

New anti-wrinkle cream for men...

My scrotum's never felt smoother.

 

[ant-mac]

Do you want smoother skin with less unsightly wrinkles?

Put on weight.

 

[ant-mac]

I once had a one-night stand with a woman, but there was something about her and I just couldn't get hard.

She said: "Don't worry, that use to happen to me."