Fun The Joke Thread

[ant-mac]

No mate, that's not how you make a test tube baby...

Now get your dick out of there and pull your pants up!

 

[ant-mac]

With a trembling voice, the little boy said: "When I asked to see what was in Santa's sack, that's not what I meant..."

 

[ant-mac]

Oh, I misheard you. When you said to put a penny in the Christmas pudding, I thought you said to spend a penny in the Christmas pudding...

 

[ant-mac]

The guy looked down at his one-night stand partner and said: "When I said I was a positive sort of person, I meant HIV."

 

[ant-mac]

The driving instructor looked at his new student and said: "When I slap the dashboard with my right hand I want you to make a right turn, when I slap the dashboard with my left hand I want you to make a left turn and when I slap the dashboard with my forehead, I want you to crawl out of the wreckage and go and get help."

 

[ant-mac]

Well, these Korean meatballs really are the dog's bollocks...

 

[ant-mac]

This year, I got you two birthday presents. The first is a new life insurance policy and the second is inside this cardboard box, but you mustn't open it until I'm a long, long way away...

 

[ant-mac]

Dog to go to good home.

Free prawn crackers with every delivery.

The Mystic East Restaurant...

555 515 515.

 

[chainsaw_metal1]

Dog to go to good home.

Free prawn crackers with every delivery.

The Mystic East Restaurant...

555 515 515.

I do love me some prawn crackers.

 

[ant-mac]

A leaked line of dialogue from the next MAD MAX film...

"I know you're mad, Max, but getting drunk and blaming everything on the Jews won't help."

 

[ant-mac]

Donald Trump stayed away from a memorial service for fallen soldiers because of rain, but when it's Stormy, he comes...

 

[ant-mac]

The sports announcer was commentating on the rugby match.

"And that's a huge tackle! A massive tackle! I've rarely seen a more impressive tackle than that! Yes, he really should've remembered to put his pants on before he came out to play..."

 

[ant-mac]

The trainee builder was caught masturbating on the roof on his first day at work.

Luckily he wasn't sacked, because his boss was prepared to let him wipe the slate clean.

 

[ant-mac]

How dare you make such a suggestion, officer!

I was just smelling the cocaine...

 

[ant-mac]

Nurse, he's going into cardiac arrest! We need to shock him! Quick, ram your finger up his arse!

 

[ant-mac]

I never cared much for voting, until someone explained the process to me.

Apparently, you get to put your ex in a box...

 

[ant-mac]

A priest, a rabbi and a minister decide to see who's best at their job. The test is to go into the woods, find a bear and try to convert it to their particular belief.

After they are all done, the priest says, "I read to a bear from the Catechism, sprinkled him with holy water and next week is his First Communion."

The minister said, "I found a bear by the stream, preached God's holy word to him and he let me baptize him in the river."

The rabbi was bandaged from head to foot. He said, "Looking back on it now, maybe I shouldn't have started with the circumcision."

 

[ant-mac]

A young couple who just got married moved in next door to me last week.

They spent all weekend making a sex tape...

Although obviously they don't know that yet.

 

[ant-mac]

I've always wanted to prepare my own meals, but I was one of those cooks who would scream and shout and swear...

Then I discovered oven gloves.

 

[ant-mac]

From across the room I saw her. Dark eyes, cherry lips, perfect teeth, silken hair, delicate skin... My perfect woman!

"Do you come here often?" I asked.

She nodded. "Yes, I come to the clinic every week to be tested."