Fun The Joke Thread

[ant-mac]

07. Three Brazilian men were flying in a light aircraft at low altitude when another plane approached. It appears that they decided to moon the occupants of the other plane, but lost control of their own aircraft and crashed. They were all found dead in the wreckage with their pants around their ankles.

 

[ant-mac]

06. A police officer in Ohio responded to a 911 call. She had no details before arriving, except that someone had reported that his father was not breathing. Upon arrival, the officer found the man face down on the couch naked. When she rolled him over to check for a pulse and to start CPR, she noticed burn marks around his genitals. After the ambulance arrived and removed the man - who was declared dead on arrival at the hospital - police made a closer inspection of the couch, and noticed that the man had made a hole between the cushions.

Upon flipping the couch over, they discovered what had caused his death. Apparently, the man had a habit of putting his penis between the cushions, down into the hole and between two electrical sanders - with the sandpaper removed, for obvious reasons. According to the story, after his orgasm the discharge shorted out one of the sanders, electrocuting him.

 

[ant-mac]

05. A 27-year-old French woman lost control of her car on a highway near Marseilles and crashed into a tree, seriously injuring her passenger and killing herself. As a commonplace road accident, this would not have qualified for a Darwin nomination, were it not for the fact that the driver's attention had been distracted by her Tamagotchi key ring, which had started urgently beeping for food as she drove along. In an attempt to press the correct buttons to save the Tamagotchi's life, the woman lost her own.

 

[ant-mac]

04. A 22-year-old, Glade Drive, Reston, VA, man was found dead after he tried to use octopus straps to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped one end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was major trauma.

 

[ant-mac]

03. A man in Alabama died from rattlesnake bites. It seems that he and a friend were playing a game of catch, using the rattlesnake as a ball. The friend, no doubt a future Darwin Awards candidate, was hospitalized.

 

[ant-mac]

02. Employees in a medium sized warehouse in west Texas noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building extinguishing all potential sources of ignition, such as lights, power and so forth. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas Company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark.

To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the sight of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket and retrieving an object that resembled a cigarette lighter. Upon operation of the lighter like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually untouched by the explosion. His peers had never thought of the technician suspected of causing the blast as bright.

 

[ant-mac]

AND THE WINNER...

01. Based on a bet by the other members of his threesome, Everitt Sanchez tried to wash his own balls in a ball washer at the local golf course. Proving once again that beer and testosterone are a bad mix, Sanchez managed to straddle the ball washer and dangle his scrotum in the machine. Much to his dismay, one of his buddies upped the ante by spinning the crank on the machine with Sanchez's scrotum in place, thus wedging them solidly in the mechanism.

Sanchez, who immediately passed his threshold of pain, collapsed and tumbled from his perch. Unfortunately for Sanchez, the height of the ball washer was more than a foot higher off the ground than his testicles are in a normal stance and the scrotum was the weakest link. Sanchez's scrotum was ripped open during the fall and one testicle was plucked from him forever and remained in the ball washer, while the other testicle was compressed and flattened as it was pulled between the housing of the washer and the rotating machinery inside. To add insult to injury, Sanchez broke a new $300 driver that he had just purchased from the pro shop and was using to balance himself. Sanchez was rushed to the hospital for surgery and the remaining threesome was asked to leave the course.

This last one wouldn't normally count, because the idiot didn't die. But, because he cannot reproduce as a result of his qualifying act of stupidity, we have allowed it.

 

[ant-mac]

YOU’RE ADDICTED TO COFFEE IF…

You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

You sleep with your eyes open.

You have to watch videos in fast-forward.

The only time you're standing still is during an earthquake.

You can take a picture of yourself from ten feet away without using the timer.

You've worn out your third pair of tennis shoes this week.

Your eyes stay open when you sneeze.

You chew on other people's fingernails.

 

[ant-mac]

YOU’RE ADDICTED TO COFFEE IF…

You help your dog chase its tail.

You can thread a sewing machine while it’s still running.

You soak your dentures in coffee overnight.

Your first-aid kit contains two pints of coffee with an IV hook-up.

You ski uphill.

You get a speeding ticket even when you're parked.

You answer the door before people knock.

You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

 

[ant-mac]

YOU’RE ADDICTED TO COFFEE IF…

The nurse needs a scientific calculator to take your pulse.

You're so jittery that people use your hands to blend their margaritas.

You can type sixty words per minute with your feet.

You can jump-start your car without cables.

You don't sweat, you percolate.

You walk twenty miles on your treadmill before you realize it's not plugged in.

You forget to unwrap candy bars before eating them.

You've built a miniature city out of little plastic stirrers.

 

[ant-mac]

YOU’RE ADDICTED TO COFFEE IF…

People get dizzy just watching you.

Instant coffee takes too long.

You channel surf faster without a remote.

You have a picture of your coffee mug on your coffee mug.

You can outlast the Energizer Bunny.

You short out motion detectors.

You don't even wait for the water to boil anymore.

Your nervous twitch registers on the Richter scale.

 

[ant-mac]

A man goes to his physician and is shocked to find that he has been replaced by a super-computer. The computer asks him his ailments and the man says he has a sore elbow. A drawer pops out and he is asked to urinate in it. After a few bleeps and flashing lights the computer decides he has tennis elbow.

The man is annoyed and decides to get one over on this machine so he asks his wife for a urine sample. He then mixes this with urine from his dog and his small son and to top it off, adds some of his sperm. He takes it to the computer-physician who again asks him for a sample. He places the urine / sperm sample in the drawer and the computer makes its usual display of bleeps and flashes before telling him that his wife is pregnant, his dog has rabies, his son has chicken pox and if he doesn't stop masturbating he'll never get rid of his tennis elbow.

 

[ant-mac]

A truck driver, hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers, stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar, he sees a big sign on the door that says, COMPUTER NERDS NOT ALLOWED - ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK! He enters and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs and says that he smells kind of nerdy. He then asks him what he does for a living. The truck driver explains to him that he drives a truck and the smell is just from the computers he's hauling. The bartender serves him a beer and says, "Okay, truck drivers aren't nerds."

As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in wearing a pair of glasses with tape around the middle, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils,and a belt that is at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away. The truck driver asks him why he did that.

The bartender replied, "Don't worry. The computer nerds are in season because they are overpopulating Silicon Valley. You don't even need a license."

So the truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck and heads for the freeway. Suddenly, he veers to avoid an accident and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the road. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, snatching up all of the computers. The scavengers are comprised of accountants, engineers and programmers - computer geeks. Each of them wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can't let them steal his whole load. So remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, killing several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, "What's wrong? I thought computer nerds were in season."

"Well, sure," says the patrolman, "But you can't bait 'em!"

 

[ant-mac]

There was a pilot flying a small single engine charter plane, with a couple of very important executives on board. He was coming into Seattle airport through thick fog with less than 10 metres visibility when his instruments went out. So he began circling around looking for a landmark. After an hour or so, he starts running pretty low on fuel and the passengers are getting very nervous. Finally, a small opening in the fog appears and he sees a tall building with one guy working alone on the fifth floor. The pilot banks the plane around, rolls down the window and shouts to the guy, "Hey, where am I?"

To this, the solitary office worker replies, "You're in a plane." The pilot rolls up the window, executes a 275 degree turn and proceeds to execute a perfect blind landing on the runway of the airport 5 miles away. Just as the plane stops, so does the engine as the fuel has run out.

The passengers are amazed and one asks how he did it. "Simple," replies the pilot, "I asked the guy in that building a simple question. The answer he gave me was 100 per cent correct, but absolutely useless, therefore that must be Microsoft's support office and from there the airport is just a while away."

 

[ant-mac]

MICROSOFT TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF PAL

Redmond, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today as Paul Fitzgerald, Test Engineer on the Windows NT team, was brutally murdered in an apparently psychotic tirade by one of the personalities of Microsoft's latest operating system shell program, Bob. In the small hours of this morning, Java, the friendly coffee-drinking dinosaur, burst from the screen of Fitzgerald's computer, cutting a swath of destruction throughout the hapless worker's office and into the accompanying hallway.

The beast was quickly subdued by Microsoft Campus Security upon failing to produce a valid Microsoft key-card, avoiding what could otherwise have been a tragedy of much greater proportions. He is currently undergoing psychiatric evaluation at the Washington Institute for Perfectly Valid Life-forms, who in the heat of the moment do some absolutely naughty things. Says Lars Opstad, chief spiritual healer and concert pianist, "It's touch and go right now. I don't think Java yet realizes the immensity of what he's done."

Eyewitnesses say that they could hear the stegosaur-like computer guide screaming, "All I wanted was a good espresso" in those terrible moments before dawn.

Said Rover Retriever, another Bob personality, "This is just terrible. Java was always such a great guy. Sure, he was a little high strung, but I can't believe he would do something like this. I think we need to seriously re-examine the stress that the Bob personality group is under so that another such incident doesn't occur."

A possible precipitant to the incident could be Java's recent attempt to quit smoking as a result of a clause in his contract. Lawyers are examining whether this constitutes a violation of discriminatory hiring statutes on Microsoft's part. Microsoft Legal could not be reached for comment, but an undisclosed source asserted, "We couldn't have him puffing away like that. He's a dinosaur, not a dragon. It would confuse the market."

Coroner's reports say Fitzgerald died instantly of cardiac arrest, but are unclear on whether this was a result of the vicious attack or the fact that Bob installed successfully on NT.

 

[ant-mac]

Things people actually said in court, word for word:

Q: What is your date of birth?

A: July fifteenth.

Q: What year?

A: Every year.

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

 

[ant-mac]

A judge in a small city was hearing a drunk-driving case and the defendant, who had both a record and a reputation for driving under the influence, demanded a jury trial. It was nearly 1600 hours and getting a jury would take time, so the judge called a recess and went out in the hall looking to empanel anyone available for jury duty. He found a dozen lawyers in the main lobby and told them that they were a jury. The lawyers thought this would be a novel experience and so followed the judge back to the courtroom.

The trial was over in about 10 minutes and it was very clear that the defendant was guilty. The jury went into the jury room, the judge started getting ready to go home and everyone waited. After nearly three hours, the judge was totally out of patience and sent the bailiff into the jury-room to see what was holding up the verdict.

When the bailiff returned, the judge said, "Well have they got a verdict yet?"

The bailiff shook his head and said, "Verdict? Hell, they're still doing nominating speeches for the foreman's position!"

 

[ant-mac]

In a courtroom, a purse-snatcher is on trial and the victim is stating what happened. She says, "Yes, that is him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere."

At which point, the defendant bursts out, "You couldn't see my face, lady. I was wearing a mask!"

 

[ant-mac]

STUFF TO DO IN A COURTROOM...

Bring a cell phone and order a pizza when the judge starts talking.

Bring a zip-lock bag full of grapes and launch a few at the defendant when the judge isn't looking.

Giggle uncontrollably when they show the evidence, if any blood is present.

If they ever bring up the possibility of an accomplice, duck your head and quiver.

Stand up and yell "Objection!" to everything the judge says. Everything.

If you're the defendant, wait until the judge starts talking about you. Proceed to hide under your table.

If anybody attempts to communicate with you in any way, stare off into space and blow spit bubbles.

Sing THE SONG THAT NEVER ENDS incessantly.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE STUFF TO DO IN A COURTROOM...

Get the judge to look at you. Lick your lips and motion that you'll call him.

Actually call him

Act like you're doing something important and ask them to keep it down.

Every time the judge uses the gavel, keel over backwards and act like you've been shot.

Bring a Gameboy and leave the volume at full.

Wait until everybody is completely focused on the trial, then blow a referee's whistle as loud as you can. Point to the person next to you and tell him say, "Stop it!"

Pretend you turn into a pig when you get wet. Douse yourself in cold water and act like one.

Bring toaster and wave a box of Tropical Sprinkles Pop Tarts around while asking, "Where's a damn plug around here!".