Fun The Joke Thread
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ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
OBSERVATIONS
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, “You'll never find anyone like me again!” I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone else just like you?
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, “You'll never find anyone like me again!” I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone else just like you?
Relationships are hard. It's like a full-time job and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks' notice. There should be severance pay and before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.
If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either.
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
MORE OBSERVATIONS
I voted for the Republicans because I didn't like the way the Democrats were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh."
I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-SPAN and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
I voted for the Republicans because I didn't like the way the Democrats were running the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your headache.
A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh."
I don't know what's wrong with my television set. I was getting C-SPAN and the Home Shopping Network on the same station. I actually bought a congressman.
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
MORE OBSERVATIONS
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
USA TODAY has come out with a new survey… Apparently three out of four people make up 75 per cent of the population.
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
USA TODAY has come out with a new survey… Apparently three out of four people make up 75 per cent of the population.
In elementary school, in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic? Do tall people burn slower?
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
MORE OBSERVATIONS
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother-in-law is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
Michael Jackson was so bad he could have been a Catholic priest.
I ask people why they have deer heads on their walls. They always say because it's such a beautiful animal. There you go. I think my mother-in-law is attractive, but I only have photographs of her.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
Michael Jackson was so bad he could have been a Catholic priest.
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
MORE OBSERVATIONS
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: “This looks much better on.” On what? On fire?
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then it's you.
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: “This looks much better on.” On what? On fire?
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
MORE OBSERVATIONS
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.”
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that just pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
If God doesn't destroy Hollywood Boulevard, he owes Sodom and Gomorrah an apology.
My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, “Mom, they weren't trying to teach you how to swim.”
Thou shall not kill. Thou shall not commit adultery. Don't eat pork. I'm sorry, what was that last one? Don't eat pork. God has spoken. Is that the word of God or is that just pigs trying to outsmart everybody?
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
MORE OBSERVATIONS
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my... I could be eating a slow learner.
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my... I could be eating a slow learner.
A woman broke up with me and sent me pictures of her and her new boyfriend in bed together. Solution? I sent them to her dad.
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
Steven Spielberg was busy discussing his new action adventure about famous classical composers. Bruce Willis, Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were in the room. "Who do you want to play?" Spielberg asked Bruce Willis.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
"I've always been a big fan of Chopin," said Bruce. "I'll play him."
"And you, Sylvester?" asked Spielberg.
"Mozart's the one for me!" said Sly.
"And what about you?" Spielberg asked Arnold Schwarzenegger.
"I'll be Bach," said Arnie.
Although shooting yourself in the head to stop a headache would at least be an effective solution.
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
Two confirmed bachelors sat talking, their conversation drifted from politics to cooking. "I got a cookbook once," said one, "but I could never do anything with it."
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish.'"
"Too much fancy work in it, eh?" asked the other.
"You said it. Every one of the recipes began the same way - 'Take a clean dish.'"
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
Little Johnny came downstairs bellowing lustily. His mother asked, "What's the matter now?"
"Dad was hanging pictures and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
"Dad was hanging pictures and just hit his thumb with a hammer," said Johnny through his tears.
"That's not so serious," soothed his mother. "I know you're upset, but a big boy like you shouldn't cry at something like that. Why didn't you just laugh?"
"I did!" sobbed Johnny.
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain and they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his mum. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal.
Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
Her husband responds, "But they are twins. If you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
"What time does the library open?" the man on the phone asked.
"Nine AM" came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine AM?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine AM!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine AM?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
"Nine AM" came the reply. "And what's the idea of calling me at home in the middle of the night to ask a question like that?"
"Not until nine AM?" the man asked in a disappointed voice.
"No, not till nine AM!" the librarian said. "Why do you want to get in before nine AM?"
"Who said I wanted to get in?" the man sighed sadly. "I want to get out."
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
A resident in a posh hotel breakfast room called over the head waiter one morning and read from the menu. "I'd like one under-cooked egg so that it's runny and one over-cooked egg so that it's tough and hard to eat. I'd also like grilled bacon which is a bit on the cold side, burnt toast, butter straight from the freezer so that it's impossible to spread and a pot of very weak, lukewarm coffee."
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
"That's a complicated order sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult."
The guest replied sarcastically, "It can't be that difficult because that's exactly what you brought me yesterday!"
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
Walking up to a department store's fabric counter, the pretty girl said, "I would like to buy this material for a new dress. How much does it cost?"
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
"Only one kiss per yard," replied the male clerk with a smirk.
"That's fine," said the girl. "I'll take ten yards." With expectation and anticipation written all over his face, the clerk quickly measured out the cloth, wrapped it up, then teasingly held it out.
The girl snapped up the package, pointed to the old geezer standing beside her and smiled, "Grandpa will pay the bill."
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of Texas A&M, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"
The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
The Engineer said, "In the neighbourhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."
The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"
And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
Well, they're in - and better than the Golden Globes...
ANNUAL DARWIN AWARDS:
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine, which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year are:
09. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
ANNUAL DARWIN AWARDS:
They are finally out again. You all know about the Darwin Awards. It's an annual honour given to the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by killing themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. Last year's winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine, which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free soda out of it.
And the nominees this year are:
09. A young Canadian man, searching for a way of getting drunk cheaply, because he had no money with which to buy alcohol, mixed gasoline with milk. Not surprisingly, this concoction made him ill and he vomited into the fireplace in his house. This resulting explosion and fire burned his house down, killing both him and his sister.
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
08. A 34-year-old white male found dead in the basement of his home died of suffocation, according to police. He was approximately 6 foot 2 inches tall and weighed 225 pounds. He was wearing a pleated skirt, white bra, black and white saddle shoes and a woman's wig. It appeared that he was trying to create a schoolgirl's uniform look. He was also wearing a military gasmask that had the filter canister removed and a rubber hose attached in its place. The other end of the hose was connected to one end of a hollow tube approx. 12 inches long and 3inches in diameter. The tube's other end was inserted into his rectum for reasons unknown and was the cause of his suffocation. Police found the task of explaining the circumstances of his death to his family very awkward.