Fun The Joke Thread

[ant-mac]

SMS JOKES:

I want to suck you... lick you... move my tongue all over you... feel you in my mouth... yep, that's how you eat an ice cream!

Crime doesn't pay... Does that mean my job is a crime?

Algebra: A weapon of math destruction.

Don't spend $2 to dry-clean a shirt. Donate it to the Salvation Army instead. They'll clean it, put it on a hanger. Next morning, buy it back for 50 cents.

The longest sentence known to man: "I do."

Q: Why were males created before females?

A: Cos you always need a rough draft before the final copy.

Q: What is the difference between a wife and a girlfriend?

A: About 45 pounds!

Do you ever notice that when you're driving, anyone going slower than you is an idiot and everyone driving faster than you is a maniac?

I think drinking and driving is terrible. You always spill it when you change gears...

I've used up all my sick days, so I'm calling in dead.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE SMS JOKES:

There was this Eskimo chick who spent the night with her boyfriend. Next morning she found out she was 6 months pregnant.

A 3-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and says: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."

Q: What's the difference between a Rottweiler and a Poodle?

A: If a Rottweiler starts humping your leg, let it finish.

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: How do you breathe through that thing?

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?

A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Aim for the stars. But first, aim for their bodyguards.

Two goldfish are in a tank. One says to the other: "Do you know how to drive this thing?"

I'm late for work because the train driver had an out of body experience and didn't come back for a day and a half.

If you can't change your mind, are you sure you still have one?

 

[ant-mac]

MORE SMS JOKES:

Any woman that thinks the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach is aiming just a little too high.

A woman is the most efficient money reducing agent known to man-kind!

Q: What is the thinnest book in the world?

A: WHAT MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN.

Q: Why did Tigger stick his head in the toilet?

A: He was looking for Pooh!

Q: What is the difference between a woman and a magnet?

A: Magnets have a positive side!

Q: What does a blonde owl say?

A: What, what?

Q: What do you call a blonde hiding in a closet?

A: The 1977 World Hide and Seek Champion.

If you jogged backward, would you gain weight?

Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? That's how dogs spend their lives.

I only use deodorant under one arm, so I know what I would have smelled of.

 

[ant-mac]

IF I EVER BECOME AN EVIL OVERLORD...

My legions of terror will have helmets with clear plexiglass visors, not face-concealing ones.

My ventilation ducts will be too small to crawl through. I will not employ the forgotten building engineer who knows every nook and cranny, I will farm the job out to a government contractor.

My noble half-brother whose throne I usurped will be killed, not kept anonymously imprisoned in a forgotten cell of my dungeon.

Shooting is not too good for my enemies.

The artifact that is the source of all my power will not be kept on the Mountain of Despair, beyond the River of Fire, guarded by the Dragons of Eternity. It will be kept in my safe-deposit box in my inner sanctum.

I will not gloat over my enemies' predicament before killing them.

When the rebel leader challenges me to one-on-one fight and asks, "Or are you afraid without your armies to back you up?" My reply will be, "No, just sensible."

When I've captured my adversary and he says, "Look, before you kill me, will you at least tell me what this is all about?" I will shoot him dead and then say, "No."

 

[ant-mac]

IF I EVER BECOME AN EVIL OVERLORD...

After I kidnap the beautiful princess, we will be married immediately in a quiet civil ceremony, not a lavish spectacle in three weeks time during which the final phase of my plan will be carried out. I will have sex with her as soon as she says, "I do," and not wait until she has been washed and perfumed and brought to my bed chambers.

I will not include a self-destruct mechanism unless absolutely necessary. If it is necessary, it will not be a large red button labelled "Danger: Do Not Push".

I will not order my trusted lieutenant to kill the infant who is destined to overthrow me - I'll do it myself.

I will not interrogate my enemies in my inner sanctum - a small hotel room well outside my borders will work just as well.

I will be secure in my superiority. Therefore, I will feel no need to prove it by leaving clues in the form of riddles or leaving my weaker enemies alive to show they pose me no threat.

I will not waste time making my enemy's death look like an accident. I'm not accountable to anyone and besides, my other enemies wouldn't believe it.

I will make it clear to my enemies that I do know the meaning of the word "mercy" - I simply choose not to show them any.

One of my advisors will be an average five-year-old child. Any flaws in my plan that he is able to spot will be corrected before implementation.

 

[ant-mac]

IF I EVER BECOME AN EVIL OVERLORD...

All slain enemies will be cremated, not left for dead at the bottom of the cliff. The announcement of their deaths, as well as any accompanying celebration, will be deferred until after the aforementioned disposal.

My undercover agents will not have tattoos identifying them as members of my organization, nor will they be required to wear military boots or adhere to any other dress codes.

The hero is not entitled to a last kiss, a last cigarette, or any other form of last request.

I will not postpone my enemy’s execution to pull the wings off a fly.

I will never employ any device with a digital countdown. If I find that such a device is absolutely unavoidable, I will set it to activate when the counter reaches 117 and the hero is just putting his plan into operation.

I will design all doomsday machines myself. If I must hire a mad scientist to assist me, I will make sure that he is sufficiently twisted to never regret his evil ways and seek to undo the damage he has caused.

I will never utter the sentence, "But before I kill you, there's just one thing I want to know."

When I employ people as advisors, I will occasionally listen to their advice.

 

[ant-mac]

THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING CHILDBIRTH...

Gosh, you're lucky. I sure wish men could experience the miracle of childbirth.

Do you think the baby will come before MONDAY NIGHT FOOTBALL starts?

I hope you’re ready. The glamour shot photographer will be here in fifteen minutes.

If you think this hurts, I should tell you about the time I twisted my ankle playing basketball.

That was the kids on the phone. Did you have anything planned for dinner?

When you lay on your back, you look like a python that swallowed a wild boar.

 

[ant-mac]

MORE THINGS NOT TO SAY DURING CHILDBIRTH...

You don't need an epidural. Just relax and enjoy the moment.

This whole experience kind of reminds me of an episode from I LOVE LUCY.

Oops! Which cord was I supposed to cut?

Stop your swearing and just breathe.

Remember what we learned in Lamaze class! Hee hee, hoo hoo. You're not using the right words.

Your stomach still looks like there's another one in there.

 

[ant-mac]

Being a parent changes everything. But being a parent also changes with each baby. Here are some of the ways having a second and third child is different from having your first.

Clothes...

First baby: You begin wearing maternity clothes as soon as your OB / GYN confirms your pregnancy.

Second baby: You wear your regular clothes for as long as possible.

Third baby: Your maternity clothes are your regular clothes.

 

[ant-mac]

Preparing for the birth...

First baby: You practice your breathing religiously.

Second baby: You don't bother practicing because you remember that last time, breathing didn't do a thing.

Third baby: You ask for an epidural in your eighth month.

 

[ant-mac]

The Layette...

First baby: You pre-wash your newborn's clothes, colour-coordinate them and fold them neatly in the baby's little bureau.

Second baby: You check to make sure that the clothes are clean and discard only the ones with the darkest stains.

Third baby: Boys can wear pink, can't they?

 

[chainsaw_metal1]

Q: What did the elephant say to the naked man?

A: How do you breathe through that thing?

When dad told this one to me, the punchline was "Cute, but can it pick up peanuts?" I like your's very much, though.

 

[ant-mac]

Worries...

First baby: At the first sign of distress - a whimper, a frown - you pick up the baby.

Second baby: You pick the baby up when her wails threaten to wake your firstborn.

Third baby: You teach your three-year-old how to rewind the mechanical swing.

 

[ant-mac]

Pacifier...

First baby: If the pacifier falls on the floor, you put it away until you can go home and wash and boil it.

Second baby: When the pacifier falls on the floor, you squirt it off with some juice from the baby's bottle.

Third baby: You wipe it off on your shirt and pop it back in.

 

[ant-mac]

Diapering...

First baby: You change your baby's diapers every hour, whether they need it or not.

Second baby: You change their diaper every two to three hours, if needed.

Third baby: You try to change their diaper before others start to complain about the smell or you see it sagging to their knees.

 

[ant-mac]

Activities...

First baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics, Baby Swing and Baby Story Hour.

Second baby: You take your infant to Baby Gymnastics.

Third baby: You take your infant to the supermarket and the dry cleaner.

 

[ant-mac]

Going Out...

First baby: The first time you leave your baby with a sitter, you call home five times.

Second baby: Just before you walk out the door, you remember to leave a number where you can be reached.

Third baby: You leave instructions for the sitter to call only if she sees blood.

 

[ant-mac]

At Home...

First baby: You spend a good bit of every day just gazing at the baby.

Second baby: You spend a bit of everyday watching to be sure your older child isn't squeezing, poking or hitting the baby.

Third baby: You spend a little bit of every day hiding from the children.

 

[ant-mac]

Swallowing Coins...

First child: When your first child swallows a coin, you rush the child to the hospital and demand X-rays.

Second child: When your second child swallows a coin, you carefully watch for the coin to pass.

Third child: When your third child swallows a coin you deduct it from his allowance!

 

[ant-mac]

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING…

SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet.

FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle.

ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet.

FAULT: Improper bladder control.

ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless.

FAULT: Glass empty.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.

FAULT: You have fallen over backward.

ACTION: Have yourself leashed to bar.

SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts.

FAULT: You have fallen forward.

ACTION: See above.

SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.

FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.

ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

SYMPTOM: Floor blurred.

FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass.

ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.

SYMPTOM: Floor moving.

FAULT: You are being carried out.

ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.