Fun The Joke Thread

[ant-mac]

An Irishman is really, really drunk, so the bar keeper walks up to him and says: "Right, you've had enough, go home..."

So the irishman gets up off his stool and falls flat on his face, so he says: "Okay, I'll crawl outside instead, to sober up a bit more." He gets outside and falls flat on his face, so instead he crawls the four streets to his home. When he gets home he opens the door, standing and yet again falls flat on his face. So he crawls upstairs into his room, stands up and falls flat on his bed and falls fast asleep straight away.

The following morning his wife wakes him up and says: "You've been drinking again haven't you?"

The Irishman replies: "What makes you say that?"

His wife replies: 'Well the pub just called, you've left your wheelchair there again!'

 

[ant-mac]

Once a person was eating a banana. But a guy went up to him and asked, "Where is Stanley Street? I want to know this because my name is Stanley Cup."

So the person guided him to GM Place and said, "Bye!"

 

[ant-mac]

A man walked into a bar after a hellish day of work, not noticing it was a gay bar. So when he walked over to order his drink, a gay met him and said: " Have you ever played bar football?" The man had never heard such a thing and wanted to know how to play. The gay replied," It's very easy. All you have to do is down a pitcher of beer and fart right after. Downing the beer is a touchdown and the fart is a field goal." The man was thinking it through and thought that something might go right for a change. So the gay started the game by downing a pitcher of beer and farting. He then said," Now that's seven points. Now you try." The man downed a pitcher of beer, but when he leaned over to fart, right then the gay put his finger up the man's arse and stated," Now that's how you block a field goal!"

 

[ant-mac]

A man walks into a doctor's office one day, completely naked and covered in saran wrap. The doctor does some tests and hours later, he tells the man, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts."

 

[ant-mac]

An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favourite anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom - and with even greater effort - gripping the railing with both hands, he crawled downstairs.

With laboured breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Where it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven, for there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favourite anisette sprinkled cookies. Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...

"Back off!" she said, "they're for the funeral."

 

[ant-mac]

A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than to the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says, "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?"

"No," the man replies. "They're all at the funeral."

 

[ant-mac]

One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed."

The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see."

The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping.

"Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender.

The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."

 

[ant-mac]

During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You're such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She's no bigger than your hand."

"That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"

 

[ant-mac]

The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach.

"Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters.

"Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"

"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash.

"Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?"

The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."

 

[ant-mac]

Alexander Potter was a sports fan whose face was always either buried in the sports pages or transfixed by the television screen. One night as he lay in bed next to his wife watching a football game, she got up, walked across the room and unplugged the television set. "Hey," Alex shouted, "what do you think you're doing?"

"I am sick of sports, and I'm sick of TV," his wife replied. "You haven't touched me in months. We're going to talk about sex right now!"

"Okay, Okay. So..." After a moment, he asked, "How often do you think Brett Favre gets laid?"

 

[ant-mac]

Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?"

"Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beats me."

"Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge.

"On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beats me."

"Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?"

Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"

 

[ant-mac]

To give you an idea of the kind of season we've had, the person who handled our side of the scoreboard was sick for three weeks and nobody noticed.

 

[ant-mac]

A couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.

 

[ant-mac]

The stock market really plummeted today, but luckily there is a computer chip that is used to turn off the board if it gets too low. The Cubs have the same chip in there scoreboard.

 

[ant-mac]

One day, the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance - I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle and all the greatest players up here."

"Yes," snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."

 

[ant-mac]

A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game."

"When is that?"

"Right after the National Anthem."

 

[ant-mac]

Two guys are walking down a street in hell when it begins to snow. One guy looks up at it and says, "Well, it finally happened. The Cubs just won the World Series."

 

[ant-mac]

TOP TEN THINGS YOU CAN SAY NOW THAT I LOST AMERICAN IDOL…

10. "If I had won, I was gonna blow the prize money on candy and fireworks."

09. "Honestly, I thought I was auditioning for THE APPRENTICE.

08. "Ryan Seacrest isn't as smart as he seems on TV."

07. "If you want to see me perform, I'll be working the noon-to-8 shift at Old Navy tomorrow."

06. "George W Bush didn't win the popular vote either - and he's done pretty well for himself."

05. "Underneath that table, Randy Jackson doesn't wear pants."

04. "Until 10 minutes ago, I had no idea who Dave Letterman was."

03. "I could take down Clay Aiken with one arm in a sling."

02. "I handled my loss well - I gathered my belongings, said my goodbyes and keyed the crap out of Simon's car."

01. "I have one thing to say to the voters: What in the hell is wrong with you people?"

 

[ant-mac]

THE TOP 5 SIGNS YOUR PROM DATE IS WILLIAM HUNG…

05. He manages to tear your dress, trash your corsage and step on both your feet dancing, but that doggone goofy charm convinces you to give it up anyway.

04. Despite his embarrassing performance in the back seat of his car, his earnest demeanour landed him a $25 000 porno deal.

03. His tux? The limo? The hotel room? Everything has been rented for just 15 minutes.

02. "Our next song is by request for the fifth time tonight, not that we're counting... SHE BANGS!"

01. Fox has already cleared three nights of its fall schedule to accommodate a series documenting the evening, with rights to a second one covering the after-party.

 

[ant-mac]

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU WON'T WIN AMERICAN IDOL…

10. You dedicate I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU to Saddam Hussein.

09. Backstage, people say, "Are you still here?"

08. North Korea says if you lose, they'll stop producing enriched uranium.

07. Your mother says, "You're okay, but I'm really a big fan of Ruben."

06. You were recently named the three of clubs on the "Most Wanted Iraqi" playing cards.

05. You've already appeared on another reality show - COPS.

04. Vegas gives you the same odds of winning it all as the Mets.

03. You cancel your performance to stay home and watch JAG.

02. Simon beats you with the microphone stand.

01. Your voice is muffled by the SARS mask.