Fun The Joke Thread
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ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
A woman was leaving a convenience store with her morning coffee when she noticed a most unusual funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by a second long black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind her, a short distance back, were about 200 women walking single file.
The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
The woman was so curious that she respectfully approached the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I have never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
"My husband's."
"What happened to him?"
The woman replied, "My dog attacked and killed him."
She inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The woman answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my husband when the dog turned on her."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two women. "Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in line."
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
One day an old woman walked into a shop and got some dog food. She went to pay for it and the cashier said, "You can't buy that dog food we need evidence that you have a dog." So she bought in her dog and she got the dog food. The next day the same old lady went to get some cat food and the cashier said, "You can't have that cat food we need evidence that you have a cat." So she went home and got her cat and she got the cat food. The next day the same old lady went in again and she had a box, she told the cashier to put her finger in it, so the cashier did. She said, "It feels warm and soft."
The little old lady then said, "Now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please?!"
The little old lady then said, "Now you're satisfied can I have some toilet paper please?!"
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
A woman is shopping for a pet as a gift for her husband, but she is concerned that the prices that the pet shop are charging are very high. She goes to the clerk and explains her concern. "Well, I have a frog in the back that I can let you have for $50," the clerk says.
"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.”
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex and because she is not particularly fond of sucking cock, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks.
Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
"$50?" the woman replies. "That seems terribly expensive for a frog.”
"Well, this frog is worth it. It's been trained to give blow jobs."
The woman is stunned, but because her husband loves this sort of sex and because she is not particularly fond of sucking cock, she decides the frog might be a good investment. She buys the frog, brings it home, presents it to her husband and explains its special value. The husband is skeptical, but promises he'll give the frog a try that night. The woman goes to sleep happily knowing she won't be bothered by her husband that night. She is suddenly awakened by a clatter coming from the kitchen. She goes downstairs and finds the frog and her husband pulling out pots and pans and poring over cookbooks. "What are you two doing down here?" she asks.
Her husband responds, "If I can teach this frog to cook, you're out of here!"
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
A woman went to her doctor's office. She was seen by one of the new doctors, but after about four minutes in the examination room, she burst out screaming and ran down the hall. An older doctor stopped her and asked what the problem was and she explained. He had her sit down and relax in another room. The older doctor marched back to the first doctor and demanded, "What's the matter with you? Mrs Terry is 63 years old, she has four grown children and seven grandchildren and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
The new doctor smiled smugly as he continued to write on his clipboard. "Cured her hiccups though, didn't it?"
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day. One day, when he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side. You know what?"
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."
"What dear?" she asked gently, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
”I think you're bad luck."
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
A man meets a gorgeous woman in a bar. They talk, they connect and they end up leaving together. They get back to her place and as she shows him around, he notices that her bedroom is completely packed with teddy bears. Hundreds of small bears are on a shelf all the way along the floor, medium sized ones are on a shelf a little higher and huge bears are on the top shelf along the wall. The man is kind of surprised by the collection, especially because it’s so extensive, but he decides not to mention this to her. She turns to him and they kiss, then they rip each other’s clothes off and romp around the room all night. After an intense night of passion, as they are lying there together in the afterglow, the man rolls over and asks, smiling, “Well, how’d I do?”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
The woman says, “You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.”
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
"Honey," said this husband to his wife, "I invited a friend home for supper."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
"What? Are you crazy? The house is a mess, I haven't been shopping, all the dishes are dirty and I don't feel like cooking a fancy meal!"
"I know all that."
"Then why did you invite a friend for supper?"
"Because the poor fool's thinking about getting married."
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
An efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You don't want to try these techniques at home."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I asked her why she didn't try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her twenty minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.
"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert explained.
"She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I asked her why she didn't try carrying several things at once?"
"Did it save time?" the person in the audience asked.
"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her twenty minutes to make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
When a woman found out that she was pregnant, she lit up the phone lines telling everyone the good news. One day later that week, she took her 4 year old son, Sam, out shopping. A woman asked the boy if he was excited about the baby. "Yes", he said. "I know what we're going to name it. If it is a girl, we're calling her Molly and if it is a boy, we're going to call it quits.
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
This is an actual job application that a 17 year old boy submitted to McDonald's in Florida... and they hired him because he was so honest and funny.
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
SEASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30PM - 3:30 PM, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
NAME: Greg Bulmash.
SEX: Not yet. Still waiting for the right person.
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle-management hostility.
SALARY: Less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
SEASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30PM - 3:30 PM, Monday, Tuesday, and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 LBS?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the Publishers Clearing house Sweepstakes.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - yes.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?: Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb sexy blonde super model who thinks I'm the greatest thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Yes. Absolutely.
SIGN HERE: Aries.
chainsaw_metal1
Member: Rank 8
These are all gold, but that last one nearly caused me to piss myself, mate. Bravo.
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
I think that's why he got the job.
A 72-year-old man goes for a physical. All of his tests come back normal so the doctor says, "Harry, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?" Harry replies, "God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so he's fixed it when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof!, the light goes on. When I'm done, poof!, the light goes off." "Wow, that's incredible," the doctor says. A little later in the day, the doctor calls Harry's wife. "Mrs. White," he says, "Harry is doing fine but I had to call you because I'm in awe of his relationship with God. Is it true that he gets up during the night and poof! the light goes on in the bathroom, and when he's done, poof! the light goes off?" "OH GOOD GRIEF!" Mrs. White exclaims, "He's peeing in the fridge again!....right
Ha Ha
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ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
10 Things To Do At The Mall
10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream, "Mm shoelaces! Argh!"
09. At the hair stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
08. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
07. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
06. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
05. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils and whether there's much meat on them.
04. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are leak proof"
03. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
02. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
01. Show people your driver's license and demand to know whether they've seen this man.
10. At the bottom of an escalator, scream, "Mm shoelaces! Argh!"
09. At the hair stylist, ask to have the hair on your back permed.
08. Ask a saleswoman whether a particular shade of panties matches the color of your beard.
07. Sneak up on saleswomen at the perfume counter and spray them with your own bottle of Eau de Swanke.
06. Collect stacks of paint brochures and hand them out as religious tracts.
05. At the pet store, ask if they have bulk discounts on gerbils and whether there's much meat on them.
04. Hand a stack of pants back to the changing room attendant and scornfully announce that none of them are leak proof"
03. Ask appliance personnel if they have any TVs that play only in Spanish.
02. Try pants on backwards at the Gap. Ask the salesperson if they make your butt look big.
01. Show people your driver's license and demand to know whether they've seen this man.
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
TEN THINGS YOU NEVER HEAR IN CHURCH...
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
09. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
08. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
07. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
06. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
05. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
04. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
03. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
02. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this bible seminar in the Bahamas.
01. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
10. Hey! It's my turn to sit in the front pew.
09. I was so enthralled, I never noticed your sermon went 25 minutes over time.
08. Personally I find witnessing much more enjoyable than golf.
07. I've decided to give our church the $500 a month I used to send to TV evangelists.
06. I volunteer to be the permanent teacher for the Junior High Sunday School class.
05. Forget the denominational minimum salary, let's pay our pastor so he can live like we do.
04. I love it when we sing hymns I've never heard before!
03. Since we're all here, let's start the service early.
02. Pastor, we'd like to send you to this bible seminar in the Bahamas.
01. Nothing inspires me and strengthens my commitment like our annual stewardship campaign!
ant-mac
Member: Rank 9
TEN BAD THINGS ABOUT HAVING A SUMMER TIME SHARE WITH DARTH VADER...
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
09. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
08. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
07. Claims he paid you the rent a long, long time ago.
06. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing a Darth Brooks routine.
05. For once he could use the Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
04. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
03. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
02. It's not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the BBQ grill.
01. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.
10. Claims those long-distance calls to the Death Star aren't his.
09. Uses Jedi powers to shake up your root beer right before you open it.
08. He's always accusing you of hiding his asthma inhaler.
07. Claims he paid you the rent a long, long time ago.
06. Dances around in nothing but cape and cowboy hat while doing a Darth Brooks routine.
05. For once he could use the Force to lift his wet towel off the couch.
04. That scary music that plays when he enters a room gets old real fast.
03. You feel like an idiot saying, "No, Darth isn't here. He's on the ice planet Hoth."
02. It's not easy cleaning burnt Ewok fur off the BBQ grill.
01. Constantly doing his lame James Earl Jones impression.