Fun The Joke Thread

[ant-mac]

A woman walks up to an old man sitting in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long, happy life?"

"I smoke three packs a day, drink a case of beer, eat fatty foods, and never, ever exercise," he replied.

"Wow, that's amazing," she said, "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six."

 

[ant-mac]

Q: How can you tell if you have acne?

A: If the blind can read your face.

 

[ant-mac]

One day, a man walks into a dentist's office and asks how much it will cost to extract wisdom teeth. "Eighty dollars," the dentist says.

"That's a ridiculous amount," the man says. "Isn't there a cheaper way?"

"Well," the dentist says, "if you don't use an aesthetic, I can knock the price down to $60."

Looking annoyed the man says, "That's still too expensive!"

"Okay," says the dentist. "If I save on anesthesia and simply rip the teeth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to $20."

"Nope," moans the man, "it's still too much."

"Well," says the dentist, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it, I suppose I can knock the price down to $10."

"Marvelous," says the man, "book my wife for next Tuesday!"

 

[ant-mac]

One afternoon, a man was riding in the back of his limousine when he noticed two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man.

"We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied.

"Oh, come along with me then." the man from the limousine said excitedly.

"But sir, I have a wife with two children!"

"Bring them along! And you, come with us too!" he said to the other man.

"But sir, I have a wife with six children!" the second man answered.

"Bring them as well!" So, they all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a vehicle as large as the limousine. One of the poor fellows expressed his gratitude,

"Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."

The rich man replied, "No, thank you... the grass at my place is about three feet tall and I could use the help!"

 

[ant-mac]

Three men were sitting naked in a sauna. Suddenly there was a ring tone and the first man pressed his wrist and put it up to his ear, speaking into it. The others looked bemused until he explained that it was the latest cell phone that was so tiny it could be implanted under the skin. Time passed and the second man suddenly pressed his ear lobe and listened intently. He looked around and explained that he was checking his voicemail. The third man was a little put out that he had no gadgets himself so he thought for a moment, then went out of the room. He returned moments later with a piece of toilet paper hanging out of his arse. He looked around and said, "Oh look, I've got a fax coming through!"

 

[ant-mac]

A blind man was traveling in his private jet when he detected something was wrong. He made his way up to the cockpit and got no response from his pilot. The blind guy then found the radio and started calling the tower. "Help! Help!"

The tower came back and asked, "What's the problem?"

The blind guy yelled, "Help me! I'm blind... the pilot is dead and we're flying upside down!"

The tower comes back and asked, "How do you know you're upside down?"

"Because the shit is running up my back!"

 

[ant-mac]

A man went to his doctor seeking help for his terrible addiction to cigars. The doctor was quite familiar with his very compulsive patient, so recommended an unusual and quite drastic form of aversion therapy. "When you go to bed tonight, take one of your cigars, unwrap it and stick it completely up your arsehole. Then remove it, rewrap it and place it back with all the others in such a fashion as you can't tell which one it is. The aversion is obvious - you won't dare smoke any of them, not knowing which is the treated cigar."

"Thanks doc, I'll try it." And he did. But three weeks later he came back and saw the doctor again.

"What? My recommendation didn't work? It was supposed to be effective even in the most addictive of cases, such as yours is!"

"Well, it kind of worked, doc. At least I was able to transfer my addiction," said the patient.

"What in the hell is that supposed to mean?"

"Well, I don't smoke cigars anymore, but now I can't go to sleep at night unless I have a cigar shoved up my arse..."

 

[ant-mac]

Deep within a forest, a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort, he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped and fell to the ground again. The turtle tried again and again, while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate. "Dear," she chirped, "I think it's time to tell him he's adopted."

 

[ant-mac]

A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up. As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. "Wow, this is great," he thought. It wasn't long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight - lots of other bunny rabbits, all free, having fun and nibbling at the lush grass. Hey," he called. "I'm a rabbit from the laboratory and I've just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?"

"Yes. Come and join us," they cried. Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. It tasted so good, unlike his tasteless food he grew up with.

"What else do you wild rabbits do?" he asked.

"Well," one of them said. "You see that field there? It's got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them."

This he couldn't resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful. Later, he asked them again, "What else do you do?"

"You see that field there? It's got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well."

The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. "Is there anything else you guys do?" he asked.

One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly. "There's one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there," he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. "They're girls. We shag them. Go and try it."

Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning screwing his little heart out until, completely knackered, he staggered back over to the guys. "That was fantastic," he panted.

"So are you going to live with us then?" one of them asked.

"I'm sorry, I had a great time but I can't."

The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. "Why? We thought you liked it here."

"I do," our friend replied. "But I must get back to the laboratory. I'm dying for a cigarette."

 

[ant-mac]

YO MOMMA SO POOR...

Her face is on the front of a food stamp.

That your family ate Cornflakes with a fork to save milk.

When I visited her trailer, 2 cockroaches tripped me and a rat tried to steal my wallet.

She waves an ice lolly around and calls it air conditioning.

Burglars break into yo momma's home and leave money.

When I told her about the last supper, she thought the food stamps had run out.

 

[ant-mac]

YO MOMMA SO POOR...

The building society repossessed her cardboard box.

She watches television on an Etch-A-Sketch.

Each night she goes to KFC to lick other folk's fingers.

She can't even afford to go to the free clinic.

When I saw her kicking a can down the road I asked yo momma what she was doing... “Moving,” she replied.

I caught her trying to use food stamps in the gobstopper machine.

 

[ant-mac]

YO MOMMA SO POOR...

When I rang her doorbell, she said, “Ding-dong.”

I asked her where the “facilities” were and she replied, "Pick a corner... Any corner..."

I visited yo momma's house, tore down the cob webs and she screamed, "Who's tearing down the drapes?!"

I walked into her home, asked if I could use her toilet and she said, "Sure thing, it's the fourth tree on your right..."

Only time she smelled hot food was when a rich bloke farted.

When I saw her wobbling down the street with one shoe, I hollered, "Lost a shoe?" and she said, "Nope...just found one..."

 

[ant-mac]

YO MOMMA SO POOR...

She hangs the toilet paper out to dry.

Closest thing to a car she owns is a low-riding shopping trolley, with a box on it.

She had to take out a second mortgage on her cardboard box.

Even beggars give her money.

She bounces food stamps.

She can't even afford to pay attention.

 

[ant-mac]

YO MOMMA SO POOR...

She uses cardboard and raspberry cordial as bread and wine substitutes.

She uses chewing gum as a band aid.

She lives in a two-story Cracker Jack box.

She uses white-out as a tooth filler.

She can't afford a mop - she stands on her head in order to mop the floor.

Her idea of desert was to go outside and collect the yellow snow...

 

[ant-mac]

YO MOMMA...

She so short she can hang-glide with Doritos.

She's so short, she can sit on a dime and swing her legs.

She's so short, she does back flips under the bed.

She's like a Happy Meal - small, cheap and greasy.

She’s like a toilet - fat, white and smells like shit.

She so stupid, she took a spoon to the Super Bowl.

 

[ant-mac]

Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?

A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?

A: If it's the flu, you'll get better.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?

A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?

A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?

A: 'Cause you're fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she's borderline irrational.

A: So what's your question?

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?

A: Whatever she says divided by two.

 

[ant-mac]

Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain that I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?

A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?

A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.

Q: Does pregnancy cause haemorrhoids?

A: Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?

A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?

A: When the kids are in college.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35?

A: No, 35 children is enough.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?

A. A widow.

 

[ant-mac]

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?

A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q: Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up women?

A: Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Q: How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?

A: When she starts her sentence with: "A man once told me..."

Q. How do you fix a woman's watch?

A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Q. Why do men break wind more than women?

A. Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

Q. What do you call a woman who has lost 95% of her intelligence?

A. Divorced.

Q: How many men does it take to open a beer?

A: None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

 

[ant-mac]

Q: How can you tell if your wife is dead?

A: The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?

A: When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.

Q. Why do women have breasts?

A. So men will talk to them.

Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?

A. They can't stand to see a man have a good time.

Q: What's worse than a male chauvinistic pig?

A: A women who won't do what she's told.

Q. What do you call a room full of women, half with PMS, half with yeast infections?

A. A whine and cheese party

Q. Why is it called PMS?

A. Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.

 

[ant-mac]

After his divorce Mister Jones realized that poker isn't the only game that starts with holding hands and ends with a staggering financial loss.