Fun DOCTOR WHO

[ant-mac]

THE DÆMONS

Lestrade: Holmes, I’ve just come up from Scotland Yard to see you. Er... Unofficially. I need your help.

Holmes: I see. Heads you win and tails I lose. Come, Watson! The game is afoot. There’s no time to lose! Quick, man! It might be a matter of life or death!

Watson: Great Scott! What is it, Holmes? Is it a new case for us to solve?

Holmes: Allow me to congratulate you on that brilliant piece of deduction. Normally, you couldn't detect horse manure if you were standing in it.

Doctor: What’s going on here? What are you doing in my franchise, Sherlock?

Holmes: Your franchise?! How can that be? You dress in a style not unlike myself. You have a sidekick just like Doctor John Watson. And you fight a foe not unlike my most famous one - Professor James Moriarty! Are you quite sure this is your franchise? Because I’m pretty sure that it’s mine.

Doctor: That’s impossible! You must be wrong...

Holmes: It is an old maxim of mine that when you have eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, however improbable, must be the truth.

Doctor: Well, you know where you can stick your maxim, don’t you, old chap?

Holmes: And where might that be, my dear fellow?

Doctor: That’s alimentary, my dear Holmes. And I can see why Mycroft is considered to be the smart one...

Holmes: Shut up! But you've a magnificent brain... I admire it. I'd like to present it pickled in alcohol to the London Medical Society.

Lethbridge-Stewart: Ouch! I don’t know who this new chap is, but I like him!

Jo: So, whom do we have to fight this time, Doctor? It’s not the Master again, is it? We’ve just fought him in the last four stories in a row.

Doctor: No, Jo. This time, we will fight a new and fresh foe! This time, we will fight the Rani!

Jo: Wow! That will be so cool! I can’t wait to fight against a new and fresh foe! Will we really?

Doctor: No, Jo. It’s the Master again...

(Meanwhile, the Master - who is posing as the local priest - takes confession from Bert the Landlord...)

Bert: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been a week since my last confession. I have charged my patrons too much for their drinks...

Master: Oh, please... Come back when you’ve got a real sin to tell me about. And make it something fun and exciting. Like having put together a collection of toy army men - made out of real army men! Or maybe after you’ve helped vile plastic aliens to invade Earth in an effort to destroy all life. Or maybe once you’ve tried to rule the whole universe by using an ancient Weapon of Mass Destruction...

Bert: What the hell’s wrong with you? Just who do you think you are? Professor Moriarty?

Moriarty: Yes... It seems that he’s used me as a role model. But it might be best not to go there just now.

 

[ant-mac]

DAY OF THE DALEKS

Doctor 01: Is this the TV story where the Daleks invade Earth and rule over its inhabitants in the twenty-second century? Eh?

Doctor 03: Er... Yes. But it’s not the one you’re thinking of. But if history repeats itself, then I expect we should be seeing the same thing happening again.

Doctor 01: Huh? Do you need a special permit to act as banal as you do? Hmm? Or aren’t you acting? Well, I’m here to fight them and save the world!

Doctor 03: Why don’t you just try to enjoy the simple things in life? Like climbing stairs under your own momentum? And yet another repeated plot! And that Troughton twerp thought I was paranoid when I told him about the recurring cycles in DOCTOR WHO.

Doctor 01: Er... Yes. Well, forget all that for now. If you’ll shut up for a moment or two, you pretentious prick, I’ll show you how it should be done.

Doctor 03: What?! Well, of all the confounded arrogance! If you piss me off again, I’ll pop your ears and piss on your brain, you befuddled old fogey!

Jo: Talk about the pot calling the kettle black, you haughty hypocrite.

Doctor 01: Now you just listen here, you prancing poser! I was fighting Daleks while you were still larking about in the navy! Or making CARRY ON COWBOY...

Doctor 03: What?! You dim-witted, doddering old dementia sufferer! You made CARRY ON SERGEANT long before I made CARRY ON COWBOY!

(A Dalek suddenly appears from out of the time vortex and sees Doctor 01...)

Dalek: It is the Doctor! He must be exterminated! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!

Doctor 01: What?! Oh, my God! No...! Hmm... That’s odd. I don’t remember packing chocolate fudge into my underwear. Hmm...

Doctor 03: I really didn’t need to know that. But it seems you still suffer from incontinence, old chap. What were you just saying about showing me how it’s done?

Dalek: Who are you? You will identify yourself!

Doctor 03: I’m your mortal foe. I’m the Doctor! What's wrong? Don't you know me?

Dalek: Of course not. You have changed your appearance.

Doctor 03: But the Daleks had no problem in THE POWER OF THE DALEKS after I had... Um... Changed my looks for the first time.

Dalek: Silence! You will not expose continuity errors to the TV viewers!

Jo: Wait! Don’t shoot! If you let us go, I’ll make it worth your while. We can get together later and I’ll pose nude with you in some photos.

Dalek: Mmm... Yummy. That sounds good. Go ahead. Make my day. The Daleks have always been keen on exchanging DNA with others.

Jo: Yeah right... Just like every other male I’ve ever met. So, what do you say to my offer?

(After a few brief moments of thought, the Dalek makes up its mind...)

Dalek: Ejaculate! Ejaculate! Ejaculate!

Jo: Eew! I thought I told you not to shoot? And that was quick... Just like every other male I’ve ever met.

 

[ant-mac]

THE CURSE OF PELADON

Peladon: Hello gorgeous! Welcome to my kingdom. I’m so pleased to meet you.

Doctor: Er... Thank you, your Majesty. I’m so pleased to meet you too. I just didn’t expect you to be quite so friendly...

Peladon: You sad old tosser! I wasn’t talking to you! I was talking to that hot little blonde babe you’ve got with you. Mmm... Yummy.

Jo: Mmm... Yummy. And hi to you too, big boy. Do you have THE MONSTER OF PELADON hidden in your pants? Or are you just happy to see me?

Peladon: Come back to my private chamber with me and I’ll show you my Royal Baton.

Jo: And I’ll show you just how well I can twirl it.

Doctor: All right, you two! There’s no need for all that nonsense. Do I have to remind you both this isn’t a CARRY ON film?

Jo: What are you doing?

Doctor: I was trying to defend your honour. Which is more than you’ve ever done!

Jo: Oh... All right. Hey! Hang on a moment... Did you just insult me?

Peladon: Damn, Jo. Why did you bring THE CURSE OF PELADON with you?

Peri: Excuse me, but aren’t you Josephine Grant? Haven’t I seen your photo in the TARDIS?

Jo: Yeah... But call me Jo. That’ll stop the Author from getting writers’ cramp. And I just hope you don’t mean those photos of me with that Dalek. Who are you?

Peri: I’m pleased to meet you. I’m Perpugilliam Brown. But call me Peri for the same reason...

Jo: Wow! That’s more of a mouthful than King... Um... Never mind. So, what are you doing here? I thought you were with the sixth Doctor.

Peri: I am. But so far, it’s been a complete nightmare travelling with him! I’ve been the sexual fantasy of at least three head cases! In THE CAVES OF ANDROZANI... In TIMELASH... And in REVELATION OF THE DALEKS! And in the end, I get married to yet another head case in THE TRIAL OF A TIME LORD. So, I just thought I’d come back and have a chat with you. To see where I went wrong...

Jo: Well, I had a brief romantic fling with a brave young soldier from TERROR OF THE AUTONS through to THE GREEN DEATH. I got a marriage proposal from King Peladon. And I got one from a hot young hunk of in PLANET OF THE DALEKS too. But in the end, I get married to the very cute and very smart Professor Clifford Jones in THE GREEN DEATH.

Peri: You lucky cow! Who the hell did you have to sleep with to get all that?

Jo: Meh... Just lucky I guess. But it must suck to be you. Or maybe it might help if you did...

Peri: Bitch! Just for that, when I find those photos of you with that Dalek, I’m going to post them on the internet!

Jo: And nuts to you too! On second thoughts, go ahead. It won’t do my popularity any harm.

 

[ant-mac]

THE SEA DEVILS

(Captain Hart tries to detain the Master at gunpoint in the storeroom at the naval base...)

Hart: Put your hands up! Don’t make any sudden moves! You are now my captive!

Master: I am the Master... And you will obey me! Talk like a sheep for me…

Hart: Yes, Master. I will obey you. Baa! Baa! Baa!

Master: Heh, heh, heh... I never grow tired of that... Oh well, come here and give me your gun, Captain Hart.

Hart: Yes, Master. I will obey you.

(Captain Hart does as he is told by the Master and walks up and gives his gun to the evil Time Lord.)

Master: Good! It is clear that my skills as a Sith Lord, er... master hypnotist are at their most potent.

(The door to the storeroom bursts open and the Doctor pokes his head in...)

Doctor: Hello? Is there anyone in here?

Master: The Doctor’s found me! Oh no, what do I do now? Oh crap!

Hart: Yes, Master. I will obey you.

(Captain Hart does as he is told by the Master…)

Master: Oh, my God! That is so gross! What an awful bloody smell! Bugger me…

Hart: Yes, Master. I will obey you.

(Captain Hart does as he is told by the Master and grabs the evil Time Lord from behind…)

Master: No! Argh! Argh! Argh! I didn’t mean that! Argh! Argh! Argh!

Doctor: I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Did I just walk onto the set of QUEER AS FOLK? Or is this some kind of NAVY LARK?

Master: Argh! Argh! Argh! Please help me, Doctor! Argh! Argh! Argh!

Doctor: Would you two sweethearts like me to come back later? I can see that it’s true what they say about sailors, Captain Hart. You old Sea Devil!

Master: Argh! Argh! Argh! Would you show no mercy to one of your own? Argh! Argh! Argh!

Doctor: One of my own kind? Are you trying to say that I’m like you? I don’t think so, sailor...

Master: Argh! Argh! Argh! Stop being so damned literal! Ah! Ah! Ah! You know that’s not what I meant! Ouch! Ouch! Ouch! I am the Master! Oh! Oh! Oh! And you will obey me! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! On second thoughts, there’s no real need to hurry...

Doctor: You don’t say? Well, from where I stand, you sure don’t look like you’re the Master at this point in time...

 

[ant-mac]

THE MUTANTS

Marshal: It’s time for me to make clear a bit more of the plot to the TV viewers at home! Come here... Er...

Cotton: Cotton, sir.

Marshal: Yes, that’s right. I knew that. The natives want to rise up against my rule of their world! Hence, they want to rise up against the whole Earth Empire too! As a response to their hostile actions, I plan to go down to their world and make war on it!

Cotton: Yes, sir. Very good, sir. But strictly speaking, Solos is not an anatomical entity. It is an inanimate object. So just how do you plan to fight it?

Marshal: Let me tell you, young man, that the Earth Empire can fight anything it chooses! Whether it’s anatomical or intimate!

Cotton: Inanimate, sir. Not intimate. But if you plan to pull out something anatomically intimate, I’m leaving now! Oh, why do I bother? As you say, sir...

Marshal: Good! I shall not forget you or your show of loyalty to me... Er...

Cotton: Cotton, sir.

Marshal: Yes, that’s right. I knew that...

(Later, Jo, Cotton and Stubbs chat about the affair on Solos.)

Stubbs: The state of affairs down on Solos is grim, Cotton. What are we going to do to put a stop to the Marshal’s plans?

Cotton: Well, I’ve just had an idea about that.

Jo: What’s that?

Cotton: An idea is an insight or a plan about how to achieve a goal, Jo. But that doesn’t matter right now. I think we should make a call or send a fax to the Investigator’s spaceship to warn him of the urgency of things here on Solos! Maybe that will make him speed up so that he gets here before the Marshal can carry out his evil plans!

Stubbs: That’s a great idea, Cotton! How about if I put in the note that the whole of the planet of Solos is now a war zone? That there have been many deaths on both sides? And that it has now been put into a state of gelatine?

Jo: Gelatine? What are you on about? Are you out of your freaking mind? That’s what they use to blow things up, you berk!

Cotton: No. You’re thinking of gelignite, Jo. What Stubbs meant was a state of quarantine.

Jo: A state of quarantine? Why? Does he feel unsure or vague about what’s going on?

Stubbs: No. Now you’re thinking of a quandary, you twit!

Jo: When the Solonians become super beings, won’t they have the higher power and wisdom needed to stop what’s being done?

Marshal: Ah... Yes. But they won’t stand a chance. No matter what they do. Not after what I’ve seen here.

 

[ant-mac]

THE TIME MONSTER

(The Doctor drives Bessie down a narrow country lane at frightening speed, while Jo hangs on in sheer terror...)

Jo: Doctor! Slow down! You’re driving way too fast! You’ll get us both killed! And why do I feel like I’m Frog in SMOKEY AND THE BANDIT?

Doctor: Oh, Jo... My reactions are ten times faster than yours are! And Bessie is equipped with a minimum inertia superdrive! So we’re perfectly safe!

Jo: Are you sure? At this speed, when you hear the sound of screeching tyres, or the phrase “Uh-oh”, it's already too late!

Doctor: Of course I’m sure! It counters the effects of the rapid acceleration and deceleration that Bessie can make. So I am quite sure, Jo!

(The Doctor promptly slams the brakes on, Bessie stops instantly and Jo flies out of her seat, through the windshield and over the front of the bonnet...)

Jo: Ouch...! A broken clock keeps better time than you do! At least it’s right twice a day. But at least I’ll still be alive at the end of the story. I hope...

Doctor: Er... Brave heart, Jo. Well, I was quite sure... That’s strange. This sort of thing never happens on STAR TREK when the inertial dampers fail. Are you all right?

Jo: Um... I think I’ll just lay here and bleed for a while, if you don’t mind. But if you could call me an ambulance, I’d be grateful.

(Later, as the Doctor and the Master confront each other over their scanner screens, the Master adjusts a switch on his control board.)

Doctor: Fat the whuck are you doing?

Master: I’ve altered my controls to feed your words back to you all jumbled up! I’ve stopped your plan to speak to me!

Doctor: Mist all chucking frighty! You cloody bunt! You’re a bucking fastard!

Master: I’m not listening to you. Ner, ner nah ner, ner!

Jo: All right, I’ve got no idea what’s going on. So just what the hell is going on? Why are you talking utter crap? And for once, I mean that literally!

Doctor: Blame that fugly ucker over there! It’s a cucking falamity! The fug smucker!

Jo: What is? What are you on about? I don’t get it. What’s the Master done?

Doctor: That shairy hithole has wucked my fords up!

Jo: You sound silly! Who do you think you are? Ronnie Barker?

Doctor: Shut up, you cupid stucking funt! And as for you, you cotton runt, you ducking fisgust me! If I catch you, I’ll knack you in the kucking fickers!

Master: I’d like to see you try! But if Mary Whitehouse catches you at it, it won’t be my fickers that get a good knacking. Mwah hah, hah, hah, hah...

Jo: So, Doctor, what are you going to do about the Master?

Master: Hah! There’s nothing he can do about me! Because for once, I’ve stopped him from being such a foppish and pompous ponce!

(The Doctor reaches out to his control board and presses some buttons to turn off the microphone and scanner screen.)

Doctor: That green-blooded son of a bitch! It’s his revenge for all those arguments he lost!

 

[ant-mac]

THE THREE DOCTORS

(Doctor 01, Doctor 02 and Doctor 03 chat about the status quo inside the TARDIS...)

Doctor 01: Eh? Am I going nuts, or is that Bret Vyon standing over there? Hmm? Over there, next to the control console. Hmm?

Doctor 02: Hang on just a moment... Which question do you want me to answer first? But if you really must know, that’s Colonel Lethbridge-Stewart.

Doctor 03: Actually, if you really must know, that’s Brigadier Lethbridge-Stewart. But I must say this gives a whole new twist to spending time with the ex...

Jo: Excuse me, but who’s that old bloke up there on the TV screen? An escapee from a local nursing home?

Doctor 01: Eh? As it happens, I am the Doctor. The original, you might say! Hmm?

Jo: Oh... All right. But that’s odd, because I thought Richard Hurndall was the original?

Doctor 01: You stupid little twit! Shut up! I am not Richard Hurndall! Bah! What’s wrong with you? Is clear and rational thought too much hard work for you?

Jo: Hey! Maybe I am a bit dizzy, but I am a blonde. What’s your excuse, you asinine old arsehole?

Doctor 01: Touché... Now where were we? Oh, that’s right... I was telling the two of you that it should be me! After all, I am the original! Hmm...

Doctor 02: Nonsense! It’s my recorder that’ll save the day and stop Omega. So it’s perfectly obvious that it should be me!

Doctor 03: It’s perfectly obvious that you’re a malicious little midget! And may I just point out to the two of you that I’m the Doctor now. This is my TV show!

Doctor 01: So what? I fail to see any significance in that fact, you portentous prick. Humph!

Doctor 03: So what? You fail to see any significance in controlling your own bodily functions. But I do see the significance, so it should be me!

Doctor 02: Oh my... Oh my... You’re a tall chap, aren’t you? If you were any taller, you could stick a torch in your mouth and do a fair impersonation of a lighthouse.

Doctor 03: What’s it to you, short stuff? Are you jealous? After all, if you were any smaller, you’d need a stepladder just to reach the control panel.

Doctor 02: No, no, no... It’s not that. I just didn’t know they could pile crap up so high. You really do give a whole new meaning to piles.

Doctor 01: The two of you are nothing but a dandy and a clown! My future’s in the hands of Beau Brummell and Krusty the Klown. Humph!

Tyler: Is the Doctor arguing with his peers about which one of them should confront Omega?

Benton: You must have a low opinion of him, if you think those two other guys are his peers. But no, that’s not the problem...

Lethbridge-Stewart: Then what the blazes is going on? What the hell are THE THREE STOOGES arguing about?

Benton: They’re fighting over which one of them should get their name on the closing credits first. And it seems their threesome’s not going too well.

Ollis: Their threesome?! Just what sort of intercourse have they been engaging in? But it does give a whole new twist to spending time with the ex!

Benton: If you think things are bad now, with the good, the bad and the oldie, just wait for another ten years. Until the twentieth anniversary special.

Lethbridge-Stewart: Oh, my God! You’re quite right, Benton! There will be five of them by then! Ah... The Doctor. Pains in the arse - all of them!

 

[ant-mac]

CARNIVAL OF MONSTERS

(The Doctor and Jo hide behind a couch in the Saloon Bar of the cargo ship, the SS Bernice.)

Claire: John and I thought we’d take a turn around the deck.

Andrews: Would you care to join us, sir? It’s a glorious evening.

Daley: Oh no, no, no! You two run along. I’m going to do a spot of reading. I’m determined to finish this book before we reach Bombay!

(Claire and Andrews leave the Saloon Bar for their stroll up on deck…)

Doctor: It seems the TARDIS has landed within the compression field of a miniscope.

Jo: So, you’re saying we’ve been shrunk down to a minute size? Like in the LAND OF THE GIANTS?

Ian: The PLANET OF GIANTS! Oh dear God! She’s as bad as that old fart I was stuck with!

Doctor: I’m sorry, old chap. She’s blonde. What more can I say? She’s forgetful and confused... But at least she can control her bowels...

Ian: I wish you hadn’t brought all that up. I still get nightmares...

Doctor: Well, even you totally screwed up the name of that other story and got the franchise wrong, you can still go to the top of the class, Jo!

Jo: Thanks, Doctor! But why does John Andrews look just like Harry Sullivan?

Doctor: Er... Don’t worry about that right now.

Jo: All right. But if I remember rightly, the plot for the LAND OF THE GIANTS got shrunk down as well.

Ian: The PLANET OF GIANTS! Oh dear God! Why do I even bother? Just shoot me now...

Doctor: You know, Chesterton, I wonder that about Jo all the time. And from time to time, I think about doing the other thing to her too...

Jo: It started out four parts long. But it ended up just three instead. Why does this story have four parts and not just three?

Doctor: That’s because this time the production team has come up with a clever plot device to provide lots of padding for all four parts!

Jo: And what might that be?

(Suddenly, the miniscope resets and the scene in the Saloon Bar reverts back to the same one as when the Doctor and Jo first entered...)

Claire: John and I thought we’d take a turn around the deck.

Andrews: Would you care to join us, sir? It’s a glorious evening.

Daley: Oh no, no, no! You two run along. I’m going to do a spot of reading. I’m determined to finish this book before we reach Bombay!

(Claire and Andrews leave the Saloon Bar for their stroll up on deck, once more…)

Doctor: Everyone in the miniscope keeps repeating his or her actions and lines every few minutes!

 

[ant-mac]

FRONTIER IN SPACE

01 Ogron: Me count five bananas now!

02 Ogron: Me count ten bananas now!

01 Ogron: You always were smart one. You in advanced maths class.

02 Ogron: Me find own butt too!

01 Ogron: Wow! You get gold star for mathematical excellence.

02 Ogron: Me not whinging turd like Adric! Me find new food.

(02 Ogron hands 01 Ogron a small mysterious ball.)

01 Ogron: It feel like rubber.

02 Ogron: Yep... It feel like rubber.

(01 Ogron sniffs and then eats the small mysterious ball.)

01 Ogron: It taste like plastic.

02 Ogron: Yep... It taste like plastic.

01 Ogron: Where you find?

02 Ogron: Me find up nose!

01 Ogron: Me not feel well…

Master: It’s time to test the TV viewers’ gullibility. Go and raid some more spaceships from Earth and Draconia for me!

01 Ogron: Me pilot. Me program hyper spatial coordinates into flight computer. And me adjust inertial dampers.

02 Ogron: Me program new three-dimensional attack strategy into weapons system. And me recalibrate force field...

Master: And me will... Er... I mean I’ll just stay here, cross my fingers and hope none of the TV viewers start to wonder how a bunch of stupid apes can fly such an advanced spaceship. As for you, Miss Grant, I am the Master... And you will obey me.

Jo: Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow. Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.

Master: I am the Master... And you will obey me!

Jo: Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow! Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go!

Master: Mary had a little lamb, its fleece was white as snow. Everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go...

Jo: Excellent! And now it’s time you enacted my evil scheme, so I can take over the entire universe! Nobody ever suspects the airhead assistant. Heh, heh, heh...

 

[ant-mac]

PLANET OF THE DALEKS

(The Doctor makes his escape from certain death caused by suffocation in the TARDIS and meets Taron, Vaber and Codal.)

Doctor: Could one of you please tell me where am I?

Taron: You’re on the planet Spiridon. It’s in the Ninth System. But it’s also known as -

Doctor: No, no... Let me guess. I’m usually quite good at this kind of game. It’s clear to me it’s also known as the planet of the Spiridons. Right?

Vaber: Wrong. It is in fact known as the PLANET OF THE DALEKS. You should’ve paid more attention to the title at the start...

Doctor: But that makes no sense at all. I mean, Skaro should be the world known as the PLANET OF THE DALEKS? That’s much more logical.

Codal: You’ll have to take that up with Terry Nation. Logic and sense have no place in one of his scripts. Yes... Well. Shall we move on with the rest of the plot?

Doctor: I mean if you think about it, then you must see that it would make more sense. Wouldn’t it?

Taron: Oh, I’m sorry, Doctor. Did we give you the impression that we cared? Just let it go. It’s time that we got on with the rest of the plot.

Doctor: Oh, all right. I expect Spiridon’s home to creatures other than Daleks. So, do any of you know where all the natives are?

Vaber: I can honestly say I haven't seen any Spiridons.

Doctor: Hmm... I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I get the distinct feeling there’s something you’re not telling me...

(Later, the Doctor and Jo are trapped in an ice cave with an army of ten thousand Daleks, far below the surface of Spiridon.)

Doctor: There’s a whole army of frozen Daleks all around us, Jo! This must be the greatest invasion force ever amassed by the Daleks!

Jo: Yes. I had noticed that I’m just standing here in the middle of an army of ten thousand homicidal killing machines... So, you know, take your time...

Doctor: Yes... There must be at least ten thousand! That must mean that they plan to invade the whole galaxy! They could attack and destroy all life!

Jo: But hang on a moment... If there’s only ten thousand Daleks, surely that’s not enough of them to invade one planet? Let alone a whole galaxy... Is it?

Doctor: But don’t you see, Jo? They can all be made invisible! Oh... Hang on. If they can be made invisible, how could you see them? Um... Forget it.

Jo: Wow! That is a pretty neat plot contrivance that they’ve come up with! It almost makes THE DALEKS’ MASTER PLAN sound plausible.

Doctor: Well, it does make sense when you think about it. Could you really see the BBC forking out all the cash needed to build ten thousand Daleks?

Jo: That’s true. And it just goes to prove that we must be on the winning side! We can beat the Daleks with our hands tied behind our backs!

Doctor: You could be right, Jo. You know, I’ve got a Thal bomb on me. It could stop the Daleks in their tracks and refreeze their whole army.

Jo: That’s it, Doctor! Now you’re talking! As long as we stick side by side, we can solve any problem! And as long as we work together, we’ll be all right!

Doctor: But if I do explode the Thal bomb, there is a chance that it might kill us too.

Jo: I see... Well, not to worry, Doctor. I’m sure you can stop them! See ya!

 

[ant-mac]

THE GREEN DEATH

Coffey: My name is John Coffey. Just like the drink, but not spelled the same. I’m here to walk THE GREEN MILE.

Doctor: Are you? Well, this is not THE GREEN MILE. This is THE GREEN DEATH, which is what comes at the end of THE GREEN MILE.

Edgecombe: I’d be careful what you say, Doctor. You don’t want a big man ripping your ears off, now do you? So if I were you, I'd do as I say.

Doctor: Good point. But it won’t change things. I hate to sound like Percy, but DEAD MAN WALKING... We got a DEAD MAN WALKING here!

(Later, the Doctor and Jo stand over Professor Clifford Jones, who lies in his bed at the Nut Hutch, close to death.)

Jo: Oh, Doctor... Please don’t let him die! He fights for everything that’s important. Well, everything you fought for.

Doctor: I’ll do what I can to save him, Jo. You care a great deal for him, don’t you? And I don’t know whether to feel flattered or insulted.

Jo: In a funny kind of way, he reminds me of a sort of younger you. Only he’s got a much better personality and is much sexier than you are.

Doctor: Okay, that question’s been answered now. I feel insulted.

Jo: He even showed me his giant maggot.

Doctor: He showed you his what?!

Jo: You know the one I mean, Doctor. The one Nancy found in the kitchen when she got up this morning.

Doctor: Oh, that one! That’s all right then. For a nasty moment there, I thought you were using a euphemism.

Jo: No, we used a condom. He showed me his giant maggot and then he bonked my brains out on his laboratory bench.

Doctor: Whoa! That’s way too much information! And to think I just ate my lunch off that bench! But just where did the two of you find a condom?

Jo: There were heaps of spare ones just lying about in the BBC workshop. The production team has finished making up giant maggots out of them.

Doctor: You bastards! I wanted those! Oh... And by the way, thanks for spoiling the credibility of the main monsters in this story!

Jo: Oops... Sorry. But I see you’ve got a syringe in your hand. What are you going to inject into him?

Doctor: I’m going to give him a placebo, Jo.

Jo: Oh, he doesn’t need one of those. Trust me on that... He’s all man! Mmm... Yummy!

Doctor: Whoa! That’s still way too much information! But no, you’re thinking of an aphrodisiac, you blonde twit.

Jo: Oh, all right. So will this placebo cure him?

Doctor: Well, if it does, it’ll be a case of serendipity. And then, I’ll have to go off to Global Chemicals to fight BOSS. And no, that doesn’t mean my wife works there. BOSS is the name of the super computer that’s behind everything. It’s an acronym. It stands for Blatantly Overused Script Supplement.

Jo: Oh, I never knew that. But is it time for the end of the story already? My how time flies when you’re not having fun...

 

[ant-mac]

THE TIME WARRIOR

Doctor 03: How may I be of help to you, young lady?

Sarah: My name is Smith. Sarah Jane Smith. I’m a journalist. I’m here to try out as your next companion, Doctor.

Doctor 11: Go on, you posh git. Sarah Jane Smith and Mickey Smith. You need a Smith on board! And if it can’t be me, then it might as well be her.

Doctor 03: Meh... Why the hell not? I could do with a laugh. And since Jo left at the end of THE GREEN DEATH, I’ve been sounding out new applicants for the job. So, tell me all about yourself. You said your name was Smith. Right? Hmm... Smith? That sounds like a false name to me.

Sarah: Does it? Why? What’s wrong with it? And while we’re on the subject, what’s your last name?

Doctor 11: Yeah? What’s wrong with having Smith as a last name? I mean it’s not as if it’s never been done before on this TV show. Or will never be done again. You might even say DOCTOR WHO has a long and proud tradition when it comes to people with the name Smith.

Doctor 03: Er... My last name doesn’t matter right now. You can just call me “Doctor”. And what are you doing here, junior? Need a nappy change?

Sarah: I’m sorry. Did I just miss out on something? Who is Mickey Smith? And DOCTOR WHO? What’s your real name?

Doctor 11: Nappy change?! What are you implying? Um... Mickey’s not important. He’s just a tin dog I once knew. But at least he wasn’t a mouse.

Doctor 03: Just call me “Doctor”! And don’t worry about junior. He won’t be staying long. It’s already past his bedtime. Now, if you want to travel with me, there are some rules I should tell you that you must not forget. Make sure you scream loudly if you happen to meet an alien monster.

Sarah: Okay. That’ll help the cliff-hanger endings seem more dramatic. And tin dogs? Who would be sad or pathetic enough to have a tin dog?

Doctor 03: Come back and ask me that after K9 AND COMPANY. And don’t think you’ll ever be the central character in a story.

Sarah: Of course not! I wouldn’t dream of taking the focus away from you. Do I look like Ace or Rose?

Doctor 03: Good. And remember to ask me lots of questions. That way, I can look smart when I tell you and the TV viewers at home what’s going on.

Sarah: Of course! You’re the central character and the hero of this TV show!

Doctor 03: Excellent! And never listen to me when I tell you to stay somewhere that’s nice and safe.

Sarah: Of course not. If I don’t wander off and get into risky situations, then you can’t come to my rescue and act like the big hero. Right?

Doctor 03: Right! I can see that you’ll make an excellent companion!

Sarah: Thanks! And who knows... If I do a good enough job, I might even get my own spin-off one of these days... THE ADVENTURES OF SARAH JANE!

Linx: Nah... It’ll never happen. And even if it did, you’d never get a decent enemy to appear on it. I wouldn’t go on it if I was THE LAST SONTARAN.

Sarah: Er... Right. But to be honest, I can’t see something like that happening either. But, you never know. Touch wood...

Linx: Touch wood? Just so long as it’s not TORCHWOOD. Now, do you mind if we get on with the rest of this story?

 

[ant-mac]

INVASION OF THE DINOSAURS

Doctor: Things are quite grim. We’ve got to do all we can to save the world from those terrible lizards!

Sarah: Don’t you mean those terrible stuffed toys?

Doctor: Good point. Those terrible lizards do look rather like stuffed toys. Or puppets. Or maybe Muppets...

Sarah: Exactly! The kids who watch this TV show might be gullible and naïve, but they’re not blind! Basil Brush would’ve been scarier!

Doctor: Well, I’m not sure if I would go that far... After all, those kids you speak of have spent more than ten years hiding behind the couch from men in rubber suits... Or dwarves in oversized pepper pots on wheels. Now, back to the business in hand. I think we’ve got a traitor in our midst!

Lethbridge-Stewart: I’d probably hide from men in rubber suits too. But are you serious about there being a traitor in our midst, Doctor? Well, I know it’s not me.

Benton: It’s not me, sir.

Yates: It’s not me. Mwah hah, hah, hah, hah... Fooled them!

Sarah: You knobhead! Of course it’s not me! How could you even think such a thing?

Doctor: Well, in that case, I’m as stumped as Heather Mills.

Sarah: Ouch! Now that was just plain cruel. But I think you’ll find that Mike Yates is the traitor you’re looking for.

Doctor: But I’ve known Mike for years! What makes you think it could be him?

Sarah: Well, in case you didn’t notice, when each one of us spoke up, he was the only one who laughed out gleefully like a raving lunatic!

Doctor: Hmm... Now that you mention it, you do have a point there...

Benton: This is great news! Now that Yates has had “The Richard” and is out of the way, maybe I’ll get a bloody promotion!

(Later, the Doctor confronts Sir Charles Grover and has a chat with him about the status quo...)

Grover: Operation Golden Age is about to come to fruition, Doctor. We will all be taken back to the Garden of Eden! Six thousand years ago!

Doctor: Huh? Great balls of fire! I thought I was just dealing with misguided environmentalists. But in reality, you’re all loony creationists!

Grover: Quite right, Doctor! We will all live together in peace in the Garden of Eden along with the dinosaurs that we have used to achieve our goals.

Doctor: Now I know you’re a creationist, but are you out of your damn mind? We’ll all be snack food the first time we meet a tyrannosaurus rex!

Grover: Nonsense, Doctor. All dinosaurs were vegetarians. I am quite sure of that.

Doctor: Is that so? In that case, I would pay good money to watch you walk up to a tyrannosaurus rex and offer it a cabbage to eat...

Grover: Why is that, Doctor? Do you think that the cabbage would have more of a chance of survival than I would?

Doctor: You bet your arse I do! You’re just a big pile of dinosaur poo waiting to happen.

 

[ant-mac]

DEATH TO THE DALEKS

Doctor: Why are the Daleks on Exarius - or Uxarieus? Or whatever it’s bloody called...

Dalek: You are wrong. This world is Exxilon. We have a cunning new plan that will not fail!

Doctor: Meh... If you’ve seen one disused quarry, you’ve seen them all. But if you have a cunning new plan, that will make a nice change for once...

Dalek: Yes. If our new plan works out, we will invade the galaxy and destroy all life! No one will be able to stop us!

Doctor: Wow! What a shock. But I thought you said your plan was new and cunning?

Dalek: What do you mean? Please explain...

Doctor: Don’t worry about that. But did you know that DAY OF THE DALEKS was the second time you’d invaded Earth in the twenty-second century? You were there once before in that same time and place in THE DALEK INVASION OF EARTH...

Dalek: Er… Yes. I am aware of that. What is your point?

Doctor: My point is that didn’t being present twice over in the same time and place cause some sort of huge glitch in time?

Dalek: Why don’t you tell me? You are the smart aleck Time Lord! It’s no wonder all your other selves cannot stand you.

Doctor: Temper, temper. And none of my selves can stand each other! You should see us when we all get together for an anniversary special. We make Christians, Jews and Muslims look like they’re all best friends! What about PLANET OF THE DALEKS? Was it just a remake of THE DEAD PLANET?

Dalek: Um… That was your imagination. Trust me... But if I were not waiting for the cliff-hanger ending, I would kill you where you stand!

Doctor: Yeah right... And I’m sure PLANET OF THE DALEKS was not just a remake of THE DEAD PLANET. Even though I aided a group of Thals in an attack on a gleaming Dalek base once more. My companion became ill and was cured by the drugs of the native people once more. And someone used a Dalek shell as a disguise once more. This constant reuse of plots from past Dalek tales will spell DEATH TO THE DALEKS.

Dalek: I see what you mean about the recurring cycles in DOCTOR WHO. But they were just minor coincidences.

Doctor: Yeah right... And what about the fact that instead of a petrified forest, there was a hostile jungle? Instead of a lake of mutations, there was a lake of liquid ice? And instead of a treacherous cave system, there was yet another treacherous cave system? Well?

Dalek: You should watch what you say! We do not want the people at home guessing where we got the plot for PLANET OF THE DALEKS.

Doctor: And I mustn’t forget that the Daleks planned to unleash a deadly virus instead of lethal radiation. So, do you have anything to say about that?

Dalek: Yes... I do. It is the Doctor! He is to be exterminated! Exterminate! Exterminate! Exterminate!

Doctor: What?! But hang on just a moment... I thought you said before that you were waiting for the cliff-hanger ending?

Dalek: Meh... I lied!

 

[ant-mac]

THE MONSTER OF PELADON

Thalira: Welcome back to Peladon, Doctor. Both you and Sarah are most welcome here. At least until Ortron brutally slays you both...

Doctor 03: Er... Right. Thank you, your Majesty... I think. I’m very pleased to be here once more. I’ve been meaning to pay a second visit here for a long time -

Doctor 06: I’m sorry to butt in like this, but I just wished to tell King Peladon to pick up some milk on his way home.

Doctor 03: Oh no! There goes the fourth wall. What the hell are you doing here?

Doctor 06: There’s no need to get your gizmos in a fix. I’m not staying. I just thought I’d drop in for a quick word with my flatmate.

Thalira: I’m sorry... This really isn’t a good time right now. Besides, this is the wrong story. King Peladon is dead. He was my father...

Doctor 06: This is THE MONSTER OF PELADON, is it? Oops... Sorry about that. I thought this was the first one. Bye!

Doctor 02: Hi there! Could someone tell me where King Peladon is?

Doctor 03: Oh no! There goes the fourth wall - again! And what the hell are you doing here?

Doctor 02: Oh, it’s you, is it? Remind me to give you a lesson in being nice, sometime. I just thought I’d pop in to see my son. King Peladon...

Doctor 03: Bragger! And is it just me, or is this a parable based on the miners’ strikes in the UK at the present time?

Thalira: Oh, surely this tale is too subtle for it to be that obvious! And King Peladon is dead. He was my father. This is not a recording...

Doctor 02: Was he really? Oh, yes... Of course he was. Well, he was my son. So, if you’re his daughter...

Thalira: Then you must be my grandfather!

Doctor 02: And you must be my granddaughter!

Doctor 03: And I must have been out of my bloody mind to come back to this slag heap!

Doctor 02: I’ve always wanted a granddaughter! So, are we all having lots of fun yet? Because I know I am. Who’s up for a family picnic?

Susan: Hey! What about me, you repugnant pygmy? I am your granddaughter! Don’t you remember me? You complete and utter bastard!

Thalira: Oh joy! Does that make us cousins or sisters?

Susan: You faint-hearted, feeble-minded fake! Just piss off!

Thalira: Hey! I know I might only be a faint-hearted, feeble-minded fake, but I’m still the Queen, you know.

Sarah: There’s nothing “Only” about being a faint-hearted, feeble-minded fake. And why’s Alpha Centauri still stuck here on Peladon? After more than fifty years?

Thalira: Er... Right. Yes, I’ll try to remember that. And do you mean that faint-hearted, hysterical hermaphroditic hexapod with the high-pitched voice?

Sarah: Yeah, that’s the one. Alpha Centauri sounds like a gay civil servant and looks like a giant green dick wrapped in a yellow curtain.

Thalira: Mmm... Yummy! Er... No reason.

 

[ant-mac]

PLANET OF THE SPIDERS

(Doctor 03 at last confronts his greatest fear - the Great One - in her cave of crystal on Metebelis Three.)

Great One: You see this web of crystal above my head? It reproduces the pattern of my brain. One perfect crystal and it will be complete. That is the perfect crystal I need! Give it to me, Doctor! Give me that crystal!

Doctor 03: Over my dead body!

Great One: Yes, Doctor. That’s my plan. You really should pay more attention to the script.

Doctor 10: All right... I’m here to do battle with the giant spider queen known as the Empress of Racnoss!

Doctor 03: I’m sorry, old chap... But you’ve got the wrong giant spider queen. This one is known as the Great One.

Doctor 10: Huh? Just how many giant spider queens can one TV show cope with? But I see what you mean by the recurring cycles in DOCTOR WHO.

Doctor 03: Yes! At last! Someone else sees it too! But if you do manage to invade Earth, Great One, how do you plan to keep control of it?

Great One: Through the worldwide web of course!

(Later, Doctor 03 lies on the floor of his laboratory at UNIT HQ, close to death.)

Doctor 03: Tears, Sarah Jane? No... Don't cry. While there's life, there's...

Sarah: Oh no! The Doctor’s dead! What am I going to do now? Does this mean that my contract with the BBC is now worthless?

K’anpo: There is no need to worry. The Doctor's cells have been destroyed, but he is a Time Lord. I will give him a little push and his cells will recover...

(K’anpo raises his hands towards the prone form on the floor to gives the help he promised and Doctor 03 makes a quick recovery and sits up.)

Lethbridge-Stewart: Oh no... Not again! Damn it! And I thought I’d got rid of you at last.

Doctor 03: Now see here, Brigadier... Just because you Humans are churlish and stupid, that doesn’t mean that we Time Lords are!

(The Brigadier draws his gun from its holster and aims it at Doctor 03…)

Lethbridge-Stewart: If you think for one moment that I’m going to put up with you for another story, then you are very much mistaken.

Doctor 03: What the hell do you think you’re doing, Brigadier?! I’m not your foe! All of those alien species that invade the planet Earth are!

Lethbridge-Stewart: They might all be foes of the planet Earth... But a bigoted, foppish, haughty, selfish, vain prat like you still pisses me off more!

(The Brigadier shoots Doctor 03, who promptly slumps back down onto the floor...)

Doctor 03: You know, I’m sure there’s a village out there somewhere - such as Devil’s End - which you’re depriving of its idiot! Argh...!

Lethbridge-Stewart: Now remember guys, if anyone asks, the Doctor had to regenerate after he was fatally affected by the radiation in the Great One's cave. All right?

(Doctor 03 starts to regenerate into Doctor 04...)

 

[Doctor Omega]