Fun DOCTOR WHO

[ant-mac]

THE ENEMY OF THE WORLD

Salamander: I’m here to steal your time ship, Doctor! Then I can roam through space and time and take over the whole universe!

Master 01: Hey! That’s one of my plans! In fact, if I were to be completely honest with you, that’s my only plan... So get your own!

Doctor: Over my dead body! Well, not really dead. I’ll just regenerate. Oops... I still can’t say that. I mean I'll just renew my body.

Salamander: Whatever... But that’s my plan. You must have read ahead on the script.

Doctor: No. But I’m not sure if I like the sound of that.

Victoria: You vile and repulsive monster! You’ve got piggy little eyes, a big lumpy nose and a wet gash for a mouth!

Jamie: You ugly bastard! If I was as ugly as you, I'd slap both my mum and dad! Moonlight becomes you, but darkness is much better.

Victoria: I feel like throwing up when I look at you! You’re so gross that the only place you'd ever be taken is outside.

Jamie: When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit every branch on the way down! And then the whole damn tree fell on you!

Doctor: Hey! Come on you two! Watch what you say! In case you both didn’t notice, Salamander and I look exactly the same! He’s my identical twin!

Victoria: Oops... I didn’t think of that.

Jamie: I did. I just didn’t care. The way you look’s not the only thing that you have in common with the bad guy, you immoral imp.

Doctor: What did I do wrong to deserve you two morons? I would’ve been better off with Kal and Za. At least they actually were Neanderthals, you two twits!

(The Doctor and Salamander lunge at each other and engage in a frantic battle…)

Victoria: I’ll open the doors of the TARDIS and Salamander will get sucked out!

Jamie: Mmm... Sucked out. That sounds good to me.

Victoria: Well, to be perfectly precise, he won’t get sucked out... He’ll get blown out instead.

Jamie: Mmm... Blown. That sounds good to me too. Sucked out or blown - it’s all good.

Victoria: I was talking about ejecting Salamander from the TARDIS! And throwing him out into space and time!

Jamie: Oh, I see. Well, when you put it like that, it’s not so good.

(Victoria lunges at the control console, hits the door control lever and the inner doors swing open…)

Victoria: Well duh! Now grab hold of the Doctor’s coat tails, Jamie! Stop him from falling into the vortex with Salamander!

(Before Jamie can move, the two struggling foes briefly teeter on the brink of the doorway and then fall into the swirling vortex together…)

Doctor: Oh, my giddy aunt! You can’t kill me - I’m a genius! But you two really are DUMB AND DUMBER! Argh...!

Jamie: Oops! Oh crap… I think someone’s going to have to give Jon Pertwee a call. We’re going to need him sooner than we thought.

 

[ant-mac]

THE WEB OF FEAR

(In the London Underground, the Doctor meets a man who will one day turn out to be a major part of his life...)

Doctor: Brigadier Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart, I presume.

Lethbridge-Stewart: No. Not yet... But I will be. Just as surely as you will be a bigoted, foppish, haughty, selfish, vain prat that pisses me off...

Doctor: Huh? You can’t still be playing Bret Vyon, can you? He was killed off in THE DALEKS’ MASTER PLAN.

Lethbridge-Stewart: I’m not. Check out my speaker credit, you cretin! Oh... Hang on. You can’t tell anything from my speaker credit. Oh dear...

Doctor: Don’t worry about it, Colonel. I’ll get you back for that in my next incarnation. Again and again.

Victoria: Daddy! It’s so good to see you! But you’ve got so old since THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN! What happened to you?

Travers: Shh! Do you mind? I am supposed to be in character, you little twit!

(Later, the Doctor prepares for his clash with the Great Intelligence.)

Doctor: Well, if what the Great Intelligence says is true, my mind will be like that of a child. You'll have to look after me until I grow up!

Jamie: Meh... So, what’s new? It’ll just be business as normal, you malicious little munchkin.

Doctor: You know, Jamie, I was saving that doomed space freighter full of Cybermen for Adric’s exit. But I could always change my plans...

(Later still, the Doctor chats to Staff Sergeant Arnold, who is controlled by the alien menace.)

Doctor: So, just why are you called the “Great Intelligence”?

Arnold: Well, I do happen to be omnipotent and omniscient, you know!

Doctor: Is that so? In that case, maybe you would be able to give me the answer to a question that’s been bugging me...

Arnold: Sure. Go ahead and ask...

Doctor: All right... Now as you know, I first fought you in THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN in 1935. Now, I’ve met you again in THE WEB OF FEAR, which is set forty years later, in 1975, where I meet Lethbridge-Stewart for the first time. I am due to meet him once more in four years from now in THE INVASION, which is set in 1979. Then when I am sent to Earth by the Time Lords at the end of THE WAR GAMES, it will be in the 1980s…

Arnold: Yes, yes, yes... So, what’s your damn question? Hurry up! There are only six parts to this story...

Doctor: Well, in MAWDRYN UNDEAD, how can he be retired by 1977 and teaching at a boy’s private school, if he’s supposed to be in charge of UNIT?

Arnold: Er... I don’t see how this question is relevant to the present circumstances…

Doctor: But I thought you said that you were omnipotent and omniscient? I thought you said that you were the Great Intelligence?

Arnold: All right! All right! You have won the battle this time, you misanthropic little midget! But the next time we meet, you will not be so lucky!

 

[ant-mac]

FURY FROM THE DEEP

Doctor: Our lives are different to anyone else’s. That’s the exciting thing. No one in the universe can do what we’re doing...

Victoria: So you’ve told me... So, where are we this time? Are we on a world in the far reaches of the galaxy? Or in some strange alternate timeline? Or maybe we’re in some weird mirror universe?

Doctor: Er... Not quite. Now, Victoria, you do know that I haven’t quite got the hang of how to steer the TARDIS just yet?

Victoria: No surprises there... At this point in DOCTOR WHO, you don’t need to know how to do that yet.

Doctor: Good point. I’m so glad we’re on the same page about this.

Victoria: So, where are we?

Doctor: Would you believe that we’ve landed on Earth?

Victoria: Wow! What a shock! That’s only the fifth time in row. So much for wandering through the far reaches of space and time.

Doctor: You think it’s bad now? Just wait until RTD takes over. With him, it’s London or Cardiff or nothing.

Victoria: I think I’ve had my fill of travelling in the TARDIS.

Doctor: Is that due to you always being scared by all the nasty monsters we’ve fought?

Victoria: No. But we always seem to land back on Earth. So I just thought I’d cut out the pointless bit in between.

Doctor: Fair point. The part spent in space and time does seem to be a bit of a waste.

Victoria: Maybe one day, the production team will think about that and take it out of DOCTOR WHO.

Doctor: Nah... That’d be like having a monster that could be killed by the screams of my female assistant. It’ll never happen...

Jamie: That’s a shame. There have been times when I’ve felt like screaming...

Doctor: What? When?

Jamie: Well, the way you steer the TARDIS makes me think you’re going to fly it into Uranus.

Doctor: I’m just glad you mean the planet, Jamie. Or else you might have had me worried...

Jamie: Planet? What planet?

Victoria: Of course you meant the planet, Jamie. All I had to do was read your earlier line and I could see for myself what you meant.

Jamie: Good point. It’s a real shame that type of wordplay doesn’t work as well in text form as it does in verbal form.

Author: Damn it!

Victoria: Thank God I can leave now...

 

[ant-mac]

THE WHEEL IN SPACE

Jamie: Hi, I’m Jamie. As a hideous little hobgoblin now plays the Doctor, I’m here to take care of the action scenes.

Zoe: Hi, I’m Zoe. I’m here to play the role first begun by Carol Anne Ford when she played the Doctor’s granddaughter.

Jamie: I’ve never met her.

Zoe: Oh... That doesn’t matter. Every young girl who ever travelled with the Doctor has fulfilled the same basic dramatic function. They help to make the plot clear by asking a lot of questions. Oh... And they help to provide dramatic ends to every episode by screaming a lot.

Cyberman: Do you mind if we get back to the plot? Our plan was logical and sound. We stole the Silver Carrier and sent it to this space station with a cargo of small things like eggs. When it got here, the latter drifted across to Wheel and hatched out Cybermats. Then they ate up the store of bernalium. We then ionized a star to form a shower of meteorites. They were set on a crash course with the Wheel. We knew the crew would not be able to stop the meteorites without the bernalium for their X-ray laser. They would find out there was another supply of that metal on the Silver Carrier and send people over to get it. Then we simply overwhelmed them and took control of this space station. Now, we can use it as a radio beacon to guide our space fleet. That will help us with our attack on Earth.

Zoe: That’s got to be the most complex and confused load of crap I've ever heard. I thought Cybermen were supposed to be logical?

Cyberman: And if you want to live long and prosper, then you should shut up now, bitch.

Jamie: Would it not have been simpler to take over the Wheel by force? By the way, where are all the Cyberwomen? Or are Cybermen gay?

Zoe: Well, that would explain why they have handlebars on the sides of their heads. And why they all stand around with their mouths open...

Cyberman: Ha, ha, ha... Very witty. Just what are you trying to say?

Jamie: Why not just build your own radio beacon? I mean if you can ionize a star, why can’t you build your own radio beacon?

Cyberman: We were not able to do that. We sent for the parts we needed, but they never got here.

Zoe: That’s because someone stole the delivery company’s ship. The ship’s name is the Silver Carrier...

Jamie: And just what the hell are those damned Cybermats? They skate about and get into everything.

Cyberman: They have minds of their own. They have always been hard to control. Even before we were changed.

Zoe: What are they supposed to be? Rats? Mice? Hamsters?

Cyberman: They were our penises. Why do you think they were so hard to control? They always got us into trouble...

Zoe: Ah... That’s why the conversion process works! For Cybermen to become more intelligent and logical, they just had to chop off their knobs.

Jamie: Whoa! Now that would bring tears to your eyes...

Zoe: No. Not really.

 

[ant-mac]

THE EVIL OF THE DALEKS - 02

Doctor 02: Now as I remember, Zoe, it all started when Jamie and I discovered somebody making off with the TARDIS...

Zoe: But what about those Daleks you showed me?

Doctor 02: We’re coming to that, Zoe. Just let me show you the story from the beginning...

Doctor 03: Hey! Hang on just a moment... You distasteful little dwarf! Just what the hell do you think you’re doing? You’ve already done this TV story!

Doctor 02: Oh bollocks! I knew something like this would happen. Why don’t you piss off, you dancing dandy?

Doctor 03: Why don’t you try and make me, you malicious little munchkin! So, it’s all true! I told you if you watched DOCTOR WHO long enough, you’d start spotting recurring plots, recurring bad guys and recurring cast members. But I had no idea you would do something as blatant as this!

Doctor 02: Ah... But this repeat showing of THE EVIL OF THE DALEKS is unique, you dancing dupe. That’s because it has in fact been merged into the ongoing story line of the TV show itself. This is the first time in the history of DOCTOR WHO that something like this has ever been done...

Doctor 03: And I just hope it’s the last time too, you poxy pixie!

Doctor 02: Oh, just go away, you flashy git. And stop being so paranoid all the time! This is DOCTOR WHO, not CONSPIRACY THEORY!

Alpha: Is it time for Dalek Beta, Dalek Omega and me to appear, Doctor?

Beta: Yes. We all want to join in. We want to play trains with you, Doctor!

Doctor 02: And I want to play trains with you guys. Not just yet though. But soon...

Omega: All right. But please hurry up! We want to play!

Doctor 03: What the hell’s going on?! What fresh piece of crap is this?! Daleks with names?! Since when do Daleks have names?

Caan: Hey! What’s your problem, you poncing poop? If Cybermen can have names like Krail or Talon or Jarl, then why can’t Daleks have names too?

Jast: Yeah... Who says we can’t have names? Davros, our creator, had a name. So there’s no reason why we can’t have names as well!

Sec: Yeah... Are you looking for a fight? Because if you are, the Cult of Skaro will be happy to kick your arse...

Thay: Yeah... Who died and made you the Doctor?

Doctor 03: Well, if you must know, that smug little Smurf over there will be the one doing the dying. And the sooner the better!

Doctor 02: That might be so, you prancing prick. But not just yet!

Doctor 03: And since when is Omega a Dalek? We all know that he’s a rogue Time Lord! Yet more recurring cycles I see...

Doctor 02: You brain dead beau! It’s not the same one...

Doctor 03: Yeah right... The next thing you’ll be telling me is that there’s more than one Master in DOCTOR WHO. That’ll be the day...

 

[ant-mac]

THE DOMINATORS

(Rago and Toba sit at the control board on the bridge of their spacecraft.)

Toba: We have now landed on the planet Dulkis, Commander.

Rago: Good work, my young apprentice. I see that the Force is strong in you. Make ready to land our troops.

Toba: Quarks! Prepare to disembark! You will take control of the planet!

01 Quark: We obey! Quarks conquer and destroy! Quarks conquer and destroy!

02 Quark: We obey! There is only one form of life that matters... Quark life!

Toba: I can’t quite put my finger on it, but those two Quarks remind me of another homicidal robotic species. Or a Ferengi bartender. Or a guy who collects the trash...

(Later, Rago comes out of his spaceship and meets the Doctor.)

Rago: We are Dominators! We are here to destroy this world! We will then turn it into radioactive fuel for our fleet of spaceships.

Doctor: That’s strange... I’m sure I’ve heard that same plan somewhere before. Or do I mean later? Are you a Raxacoricofallapatorian by any chance?

Rago: No! I can’t even say that silly word! Why would you even want to ask? This isn’t THE HITCHHIKER’S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY, you know.

Doctor: Well, it’s just that they wished to turn the planet Earth into a radioactive mass. They wanted to sell off chunks of it as raw fuel for spaceships.

Rago: Well, I don’t know about that. We’re just here to use our advanced tools and weapons to turn this world into fuel for our space fleet.

Doctor: Don't be too proud of this technological terror you've constructed - or that you plan to construct. I’m not sure which. I’ve lost my place in the script.

Rago: Why? Is it because the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force?

Doctor: No. But it is insignificant next to the power of the writer. He can use a deus ex machina to fix up all the holes in the plot and end this story.

Toba: Hi there. What’s been happening? Have I missed out on anything major?

Doctor: Not really. You can catch up on things during the recap at the start of next week’s episode.

Rago: Where have you been? I’ve been waiting for you. I have much to teach you about being a Dominator.

Toba: I’ve been having a drink in a wretched hive of scum and villainy...

Rago: Do you mean Mos Eisley spaceport?

Toba: No, I mean the BBC canteen. That place makes Mos Eisley spaceport look like a crèche for little kiddies!

Attention BBC workers! Lunch is now being served in the BBC Canteen. Doctors are standing by.

Doctor: Doctors? You don’t mean that old fart is back…?

 

[ant-mac]

THE MIND ROBBER

Doctor 01: This story reminds me of THE CELESTIAL TOYMAKER. There are so many common traits. Hmm...

Doctor 02: You can recall that far back? I’m stunned! I thought you had trouble recalling when you last went to the loo.

Doctor 01: You must fight an intangible and unseen foe. You have to solve puzzles. And you may end up having to stay here forever. Hmm...

Doctor 02: Well, if you put it like that, then this story could just as easily be mistaken for THE THREE DOCTORS.

Doctor 03: I knew it! I knew there were recurring cycles creeping into DOCTOR WHO! And you thought I was paranoid!

Doctor 02: I still do! So piss off, you paranoid ponce! The only recurring cycle around here is you! Going on and on with your CONSPIRACY THEORY.

Doctor 01: And I recall quite clearly when I last relieved myself. It was just now. Hmm...

Doctor 04: Eew! Gross! Thank God for regeneration! But I thought this was WARRIORS' GATE.

Doctor 02: Is that due to the common trait of the action taking place in a white void?

Doctor 04: Um... Yeah. That and the clear lack of a coherent plot. So, who’s the main foe in this story?

Doctor 02: Er... The Master of the Land of Fiction. Here it comes...

Doctor 03: Do you mean there really is more than one Master?! Hah! I was right! It’s those recurring cycles again...

Doctor 02: You preening fop! I knew you’d jump to that conclusion! But it’s not that Master! It’s implied that it’s a real life author by the name of Frank Richards. The Master states at one point that he wrote the adventures of Captain Jack Harkaway.

Doctor 03: I thought RTD wrote the adventures of Captain Jack Harkaway?

Doctor 02: No. You’re thinking of Captain Jack Harkness. He’s a completely different character with a totally different name...

Doctor 03: Yeah... Right. So, what differences are there between the two of them?

Doctor 02: Well, Captain Jack Harkness was an oversexed bisexual time agent. He first became a con man, then later ran a top-secret agency that fought alien monsters. A blonde chav made him indestructible and he lived for about five billion years. In the end, he was a giant head in a glass jar. Then there is Captain Jack Harkaway, who is clearly a fictional character...

Doctor 03: I see. And who do you hope to fool with that?

Doctor 02: Um... Myself, chiefly. But I just want you to know I hate you. I really do.

01 Jamie: What’s going on around here? Multiple Doctors. Multiple Masters. Multiple Jacks... What’s next? Multiple orgasms?

02 Jamie: That was worthy of Jack. But I’ll let you guess which Jack. And before you ask, I’m your stand-in for the next few episodes.

01 Jamie: Hmm... I guess there are some questions I shouldn’t ask. But if we’re meant to be nowhere, shouldn't it be black instead of white? No photons?

 

[ant-mac]

THE INVASION

Vaughn: Ah, Doctor! I’m so pleased to see you. I wasn’t sure if you would make it here in time for our chat or not.

Doctor: There was no need for alarm, Vaughn. I always show up where and when the script needs me to. So, you’re working with the Cybermen, are you?

Vaughn: That’s what the script says. The Cybermen all look the same and have no character of their own. So the production team thought it best for them to have a Human contact like me. I can make clear their goal for invading Earth - yet again. I can also help to make the plot clear to the TV audience.

Doctor: Good idea. That Cyber Director just doesn’t cut it when it comes to charisma. Just like the Cyber Controller and the Cyber Planner before it. In fact, when it comes right down to it, they’re all about as charismatic as a menopausal Avon lady. By the way, can you tell me something?

Vaughn: The answer you seek is 42.

Doctor: What’s that TV story got to do with us? Or have you just jumped sideways into the parallel universe of THE HITCH HIKERS’ GUIDE TO THE GALAXY?

Vaughn: No, this is the wrong Cyberman story for parallel universes. But I just thought you’d ask me for the answer to LIFE, THE UNIVERSE AND EVERYTHING.

Doctor: Ha, ha, ha... Yeah right. Do I look like Arthur Dent to you? But it’s all right. I already know the answer to that other one. It’s me.

Vaughn: You smug little Smurf! Or are you having a David Tennant moment? You do know two’s company and three’s a crowd, don’t you? One of us should leave.

Doctor: What’s that tall, thin, limp-wristed nerd David Tennant got to do with me? And what do you mean, Vaughn? There are only two of us in here.

Vaughn: Three. That means you, me or your ego should leave. It’s getting cramped with all three of us in here. And David Tennant always acts so full of himself...

Doctor: True. He does go about trying to lay down the law to everyone. But don’t worry about him. I just want to know why the Cybermen keep trying to invade Earth.

Vaughn: Yeah, but he’s totally unconvincing when he does it. And Earth has one thing of great worth to them. One thing they cannot find elsewhere. The internet.

Doctor: Yeah, I know. I just wish someone would give that weedy wanker a good slap. And the internet? You must be joking.

Vaughn: No. As I’ve been partly turned into a Cyberman, my lines don’t have a lot of jokes in them. Or much of a sense of humour...

Doctor: Then you should ad-lib as I do. So, why do they want to gain access to the worldwide web?

Vaughn: Well, in all the years that you’ve spent fighting the Cybermen, have you ever once seen a Cyberwoman?

Doctor: No. And to be quite honest with you, I didn’t think there were any.

Vaughn: You’re right. There are none. At least not until REAL TIME. That’s why the Cybermen want to gain access to the worldwide web.

Doctor: But I still don’t see why...

Cyberman: I would have thought the reason was clear. We want to log on for cybersex.

Doctor: Of course! I should have known! That explains so much about your mien. And of course, the fact you guys never seem to smile.

Cyberman: We have no characters, no emotions and no genitals. So just what the hell do we have to smile about?

 

[ant-mac]

THE KROTONS

Jamie: Oh look, Doctor! We’ve landed in a gravel quarry this time. Wow! What a novelty!

Zoe: Oh yes... You’re quite right, Jamie. It must have been at least two or three stories since we last did that.

Doctor: You know, I missed you both in the last skit. Why don’t we make it two in a row?

Zoe: I still don’t get what’s so dangerous about a tropical plant that looks like a shrub or a tree and has medicinal properties?

Doctor: You’re thinking of crotons, you moron... Not Krotons.

(Later, the Doctor, Zoe and Selris stand side by side in the Learning Hall.)

Zoe: That test I took on the teaching machine was just so easy!

Doctor: I’m not so sure that you should have done that, Zoe.

Zoe: But look at my test scores, Doctor! They’re so high that I’m probably even smarter than you are! Damn I’m good!

Doctor: I wouldn’t be so sure of that, Zoe. Not if I were you...

Zoe: You’re just jealous of how smart I am! Ner, ner nah ner, ner!

(The teaching machine produces a slip of paper that Selris picks up from the slot and reads…)

Selris: It says here that Zoe has been chosen to become a companion of THE KROTONS! She must enter the Dynatrope now!

Zoe: Oh bugger! Oh crap! Oh damn!

Doctor: Oh dear... Are we still feeling all smart and superior? Heh, heh, heh...

Zoe: What will happen to me?

Doctor: If I were to take a wild guess, I’d say that THE KROTONS will drain you of all your mental energy and then kill you.

Zoe: Oh, my God! I don’t want to go in there! I don’t want to die!

Selris: You must go into the Dynatrope. You have no choice in the matter!

Zoe: Doctor, will you take the test as well? Then you can come into the Dynatrope with me!

Doctor: Um... No thanks. I think I’ll pass on that...

Zoe: But if I go in there on my own, I don’t stand a chance! THE KROTONS will kill me!

Doctor: What’s your point…?

Zoe: I knew you had a dark side to your nature... But I never knew you could be such a prick! Why won’t you help me?

Doctor: Don’t you know? I thought you said you were the smart one here? No one likes a smart aleck!

 

[ant-mac]

THE SEEDS OF DEATH

Jamie: I wish you’d stop blowing into that thing and talk to me properly, Doctor.

Doctor: What?! Hey, I thought she was legal! I swear I did! She told me she was eighteen!

Jamie: I meant your recorder, you pervert. I don’t know what you meant... And I don’t even want to think about what you meant!

Doctor: Um... I knew that. You had me worried there for a bit. But while we’re on the subject, the same goes for you and Zoe too...

Jamie: Och, Doctor... Yon lassie looks so bonnie when she dons her wee miniskirt. It brings back fond memories of home and everyone in kilts.

Doctor: That might be so, Jamie. But you just make sure that you keep your haggis to yourself.

(The Doctor, Jamie and Zoe leave their time craft and find that they are in a large room full of futuristic exhibits.)

Jamie: We seem to be in a place devoted to space travel. Is this THE SPACE MUSEUM by any chance?

Doctor: It can’t be... That would suggest that I could go back to a place in space and time that I have been to before. That’ll never happen...

Zoe: Are you sure? It does seem to be quite like that other place.

Jamie: Maybe the production team are just running short of ideas or money for new locations and sets.

Doctor: I’m sure I don’t know what you two mean. There’s still an endless list of gravel quarries to see in our travels through space and time!

Zoe: All right... So, what’s the plot this time?

Doctor: I have to help a small group of isolated Humans who are in big trouble. I have to help them save their world by fighting off hordes of scary alien monsters! And of course, I am helped in this task by my trusty companions. That means the two of you...

Jamie: Like you did in THE TENTH PLANET. And THE POWER OF THE DALEKS. And THE MOONBASE. And THE TOMB OF THE CYBERMEN. And THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN. And THE ICE WARRIORS. And THE WEB OF FEAR. And FURY FROM THE DEEP. And THE WHEEL IN SPACE...

Doctor: Maybe we’re caught in a time loop?

Zoe: Maybe the writers are just running short of concepts or plots for new stories as well...

Doctor: All right! All right! You’ve both made your point! Do you mind if we get a move on?

(A strange man walks up and stops right in front of the three time travellers.)

Radnor: Hi there! In case you want to know, my name is Commander Radnor this time. But you might remember me better as General Cutler. Or Hobson. Or Professor Parry. Or Leader Clent. Or Chief Robson. Or Leo Ryan...

Jamie: Well, what have you got to say to that?

Slaar: Shut up! And now, is there any chance we can get on with the rest of this story before our twenty-first century invasion turns into a twenty-second century one?

 

[ant-mac]

THE SPACE PIRATES

Zoe: It seems to me like most of this story has been spent showing spaceships first flying one way, then flying back the other way.

Jamie: Yeah... It feels more like a STAR TREK story to me than a DOCTOR WHO one.

Doctor: Maybe it is. Maybe we’ve crossed over into some strange parallel universe. Or maybe we’ve passed into a weird alternate reality...

Kirk: That depends. Have you run into a mysterious energy field of a type that you’ve never seen before?

Zoe: No. Just the same glass ceiling I always face as a girl from the early twenty-first century.

Spock: Has an enigmatic alien creature made of pure energy try to interact with you?

Jamie: Has a what tried to do what?

Bones: Have you run into a strange alien plague? And did it take a lot of hard work and skill to find a cure for?

Doctor: No. That took place in the last story.

Sulu: Were you caught by a vastly superior alien intelligence? And did it put you on trial?

Doctor: No. That takes place in the next story.

Chekov: Have you gone to check up on a small group of secluded Humans and found that something bad had taken place?

Doctor: That was about all we did last season.

Uhura: Were you mixed up in some sort of strange temporal anomaly? And was it somehow linked to twentieth century Earth?

Doctor: No. That will take place in my next incarnation.

Scotty: Have you fixed up an advanced technological device, which then caused problems?

Zoe: An advanced technological device? It’s clear you’ve never seen the TARDIS.

Chappell: Have you found a utopian world where one and all always seemed to be happy? But in fact, there was a dark secret at its core?

Jamie: The last time we did that, we nearly all got crabs. Real big ones!

Rand: Zoe, have you had sex with Captain Kirk?

Zoe: No! I’m just a young girl!

Spock: And your point is? Jamie, have you had sex with Captain Kirk?

Jamie: No! I’m just a young boy!

Kirk: And your point is? It’s quite clear you’re not in a STAR TREK story.

Doctor: And it’s quite clear I’m not in the right franchise.

 

[ant-mac]

THE WAR GAMES

Doctor: The Time Lords are an immensely civilized race. We can control our own environment. We can live forever - barring accidents or meddling from RTD - and we have the secret of space / time travel. And now that they’ve caught us, it’s time for us to say our last farewells to each other... Bye!

Jamie: I’ll miss you, Doctor. And I swear I won’t forget you. Not after all the thrilling times and places we’ve been to!

Zoe: I won’t forget you either, Doctor. I just hope that you don’t forget us! And I look forward to my inane cameo with you in THE FIVE DOCTORS...

Doctor: It’s quite clear that neither of you have read the script. But don’t worry... I’ll never forget the two of you. No matter how hard I try!

01 Time Lord: Sorry, Doctor, but we’re almost out of time. According to the script, it’s now time for you to stand trial and for Jamie and Zoe to go home.

Doctor: Who?

(Later, the Doctor stands on trial before three omnipotent Time Lords...)

01 Time Lord: We three have earned our senior status in Time Lord society. We represent the very apex of the Time Lords. That gives us the right to put you on trial for your crimes. But relax, we hold ourselves up to the highest levels of fairness and honour! We will perform our task the best we can.

Doctor: But alas... I don’t have a scanning electron microscope handy to check on that fact. And it would seem that cream is not the only thing that rises. Turds float on top too! And you three have a thirst for power that would make a blood sucking leech blush with shame! So, why is it that the Time Lord class only seems to let loathsome quislings and parasitic unknowns be promoted?

02 Time Lord: I’ll pretend I didn’t hear that. But that’s just the way bureaucracy is universally. It has the same goal everywhere... Mediocrity! Oh... And you’re not doing yourself any favours with your attitude you know. But you can rest assured that we will conduct our duties capably and carefully.

Doctor: Fair point. All I can say is that when the three of you were born, the physician should have slapped your mothers instead. So, is this a good time to raise the issue of season 6B? Or is the problem of revisionist history best left to JN-T? Oh... And it may be of interest to you to know that there is another word that begins with “C” that describes the three of you quite well.

03 Time Lord: There’s no need to be rude! And best not to go into the origins of the Time Lords. Not after the mess that was made of it by that fool. And as you’re guilty, do you have anything else to add, ask or insult us about before we pass sentence on you?

Doctor: What? That was quick... Yes, I do. Are there any positions vacant in your public relations department?

01 Time Lord: With your manners? You must be kidding! It is time to change your appearance... And to begin your exile...

(Suddenly, the Doctor finds himself spinning round and round in a dark void...)

Doctor: Oh... All right. But just you wait until THE DEADLY ASSASSIN, Goth. Hey! What’s going on? No! Stop! You're making me giddy! No! You can't do this to me! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! No! Oh great... Now I’ve thrown up on myself. I said you were making me giddy!

 

[ant-mac]

SPEARHEAD FROM SPACE

(The Brigadier stands looking down at Doctor 03, who is lying in a hospital bed in a dazed state, mumbling to himself...)

Lethbridge-Stewart: What’s he’s going on about, Miss Shaw?

Liz: I’m not completely sure. But I think he’s asking if his testicles are black.

Doctor 03: Actually, I was asking if my test results are back. But later, darling, later... I’m too tired to get it up right now.

Doctor 01: Oh, my God! So he really is a dandy. Wow! I got off light when I changed into that murderous little munchkin. Hmm...

Lethbridge-Stewart: Wake up, man. I want to talk to you. C’mon, you frisky fop! Wake up! This isn’t CARRY ON CLEO!

Doctor 03: Forgive me if I’m wrong, but aren’t you Bret Vyon?

Lethbridge-Stewart: I think you must have me mixed up with someone else. I’m the Brigadier. I’m in charge of UNIT.

Doctor 01: That’s odd... Because now that you mention it, I could’ve sworn that you were Bret Vyon as well. Hmm...

Lethbridge-Stewart: All right! All right! I was Bret Vyon... But it was a long, long time ago - in the distant future. But now, I’m the Brigadier!

Doctor 03: A long, long time ago? In the distant future? I don’t know what you’re on, but I’d dull back the dose if I were you.

Lethbridge-Stewart: You know what I mean! I may not know what I mean, but I’m sure that you do!

Doctor 03: Uh-huh... I see. So, what happened to you when you were still Bret Vyon?

Lethbridge-Stewart: I was Sara Kingdom’s brother in THE DALEKS’ MASTER PLAN. But when that bitch caught up with me, she shot me dead!

Liz: Hey! That’s no way to talk about a lady!

Doctor 03: That was no lady - that was my ex! But you don’t have to tell me what a bitch she was. I was married to her! I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury instead. Marriage might be a great institution, but who wants to live in an institution? So, what became of her?

Doctor 01: Well, I used the Daleks’ own time destructor to destroy them all. But I... Er... I prematurely aged her to death by mistake.

Doctor 03: Damn! I wish I’d thought of that! She nearly aged me prematurely to death just through nagging! Thank God for divorce!

Lethbridge-Stewart: It’s just a shame divorce involves alimony. A system which, when two people screw up, only makes one of them pay for it.

Liz: I thought worked for UNIT. Not a bunch of bloody eunuchs!

(Later, Doctor 03 goes over things in his mind...)

Doctor 03: So, I’ve got a new face and a new body. I’ve just beaten the Autons. And I’m now stuck with a blonde assistant...

Doctor 09: Snap! That’s what happened to me in my first story too!

Doctor 03: You know, it’s quite strange at times. The way that some events repeat themselves in DOCTOR WHO...

 

[ant-mac]

THE SILURIANS

Liz: Look out, Doctor! We’re under attack! Those Silurian things are in the research centre! We're all in terrible danger!

Doctor: They’re not Silurians, Liz. They're Eocenes. Malcolm Hulke will feel like such a fool when he realizes the mistake he’s made.

Lawrence: What are you on about now, you arrogant arse? Hulke can always cover himself when he writes THE SEA DEVILS...

Liz: They’ve both got good points.

Silurian: To be honest, I’ve never given it much thought. But your good points are much better than the rest. Both of them. Mmm... Yummy.

Doctor: The Silurian Period occurred millions of years before dinosaurs first appeared on Earth. Hence, these creatures could not come from that time.

Liz: He’s quite right. And why are you chatting me up? We’re from two different species. That’s just plain creepy. RTD’s not in charge just yet, you know.

Silurian: True. And it makes me feel like a bit of a pervert too. I guess the first bloke who found us got his geological periods a bit mixed up...

Lawrence: So what, you dancing dandy?

Doctor: They come from the Eocene Epoch, you brain dead boob. So that proves they’re Eocenes!

Lawrence: And you’re proof that THE MISSING LINK exists! But that doesn’t really matter right now. I think you’re missing the main point here...

Doctor: Now see here, you stupid sod! You might be in charge of this research centre, but I’m the star of this TV show!

Liz: Don’t you think you should change your speaker credit?

Silurian: Hey! Don’t look at me. That’s up to the Author. He’s the one who’s writing this skit.

Author: Shh! Let’s just get on with the story...

Silurian: When we went into hibernation, this was our world. Now it’s become the PLANET OF THE APES. So take your stinking paws off it, you damned dirty apes!

Doctor: Er... Right. Yes, Humans rule the planet Earth now. So, where’ve you slithy toves been hiding all this time?

Silurian: In our caves. Deep BENEATH THE PLANET OF THE APES.

Doctor: Oh, did you gyre and gimble in the wabe? But I could help you to leave this world and find another one to live on?

Silurian: We’re a noble species. It’s not in our nature to try and ESCAPE FROM THE PLANET OF THE APES.

Doctor: I see... So just what do you plan to do? I could help you and the Humans make peace and avoid a war.

Silurian: No. We will make plans for our CONQUEST OF THE PLANET OF THE APES.

Doctor: And as in uffish thought he stood. I just hope you realize the Humans won’t give in to you easily.

Silurian: We’re set in our ways too. So we will keep to them. No matter how long it takes us to win this BATTLE FOR THE PLANET OF THE APES.

Doctor: Hmm... Is it just me, or does anyone else feel like they’ve just walked into the middle of the wrong franchise?

 

[ant-mac]

THE AMBASSADORS OF DEATH

Lethbridge-Stewart: I’ve just spoken to the PM. I’ve got clearance to launch our missiles at the aliens!

Liz: What for? It’s not as though they’ve been making fart noises...

Lethbridge-Stewart: No, but they’ll get us if we don’t get them first! Besides, I love the smell of napalm in the morning...

Liz: Do you? Well, you won’t be able to smell it out in space! But why do you think they plan to deliver upon us an APOCALYPSE NOW or ever ?

Lethbridge-Stewart: Military Intelligence reported the aliens have Weapons of Mass Destruction!

Liz: Military Intelligence? That’s a contradiction in terms. You’ve got no proof to back that claim up. And didn’t George W Bush use that same excuse too?

Benton: I don’t know about that. But I do know what we should do. We should strike first!

Liz: You’ve really got a HEART OF DARKNESS, haven’t you? Brigadier, can you or the PM even prove that these aliens have Weapons of Mass Destruction?

Lethbridge-Stewart: Er... Yes. Of course we can, Miss Shaw. I mean, it’s not as though I’d blow up or kill an alien species just because I was told to do so.

Liz: Like you did at the end of THE SILURIANS? No, of course you wouldn’t. But just how did you get this proof?

Lethbridge-Stewart: From the UN weapons inspection team, of course! They couldn’t board the aliens’ craft to search it! That means they must have something to hide!

Liz: That’s not proof! The aliens’ craft is still out in deep space. It’s still halfway between Earth and Mars!

Benton: Well, what do you think we should do? Sit back, do nothing and just wait for certain death at the hands of these aliens?

Liz: Why don’t we think our way through this state of affairs calmly and cogently and choose our path with care? Rather than doing something crass...

Benton: Thinking? What’s that?

Liz: Becoming the brains of UNIT might be easier than I thought. Especially once I get rid of that gaudy git...

Benton: Brains? What’s that?

Liz: Something you’ve never used. I could’ve made a monkey out of you, but someone beat me to it.

Benton: We should strike first and blow those aliens out of the sky!

Liz: Diplomacy’s just not your strong suit, is it? In fact, you’re idea of diplomacy is to break someone’s leg and then say, “Lean on me”.

Hawkins: Interesting choice of words…

Liz: I thought you died in the last DOCTOR WHO serial? Oh, never mind. Fire away.

Bush: Hey! That’s not fair! No one believed Dick Cheney or me when we said we were sure there were extraterrestrials hiding out in various countries in the Middle East! Or that they had Weapons of Mass Destruction! Or that they had secret plans to make more of them!

Liz: So what? You were also sure you’d won the US federal election in 2000. And people hiding out in a foreign country are illegal aliens... Not extraterrestrial ones!

 

[ant-mac]

INFERNO

(On a parallel Earth in a parallel universe, the Doctor stands in an office in front of Brigade-Leader Alistair Gordon Lethbridge-Stewart...)

Lethbridge-Stewart: So, you claim you don’t come from this planet?

Doctor: That’s right.

Lethbridge-Stewart: And in fact, you claim you come from a parallel Earth in a parallel universe?

Doctor: Er... Not exactly.

Benton: Then what exactly do you claim? Who are you and where do you come from?

Doctor: Well, I do come from a parallel universe. But I am in fact an alien from another world. I’m an individual who lives for far longer than any Human does. And while I might look to be Human on the outside, I look very different on the inside. I’ve visited Earth many times in the past and I know many famous people from that past. I’ve also had a great influence upon many of these famous historical figures in their work. I’ve got superhuman abilities and I’m capable of performing many amazing feats involving the mind or body. And while I’m immune to most forms of hypnotism, I am myself a master hypnotist. I’ve also got access to advanced scientific knowledge and technological gadgets of extraterrestrial origin. I’m also able to travel through both space and time. I’m normally accompanied by at least one Human - if not more - and one of my favourite Human friends is a journalist. I also meet members from my own species from time to time. I’ve been stranded on Earth for several years and I spend much of my time trying to repair my craft so I can escape.

Benton: Wow... That has got to be the wildest load of crap I’ve ever heard. Just who the hell do you think you are? The star of some silly science fiction TV show?

Doctor: Well, since you brought the topic up, yes.

Benton: Yes? What the hell are you talking about?

Doctor: Well, if you must know, I’m talking about a TV series that began in the second half of 1963. At first, it was made in black and white, but later on, it was transferred over to colour production. The initial pilot for this TV series was not thought to be suitable for transmission, so it was remade with some of the scenes in it slightly altered. Whilst it primarily appeared to be a science fiction TV series aimed at the entire family, it also contained several other genres, such as action, comedy and even romance. Sometimes, it also contained a social commentary that was relevant to the everyday experiences of many of its viewers. It was a TV show that - in its initial run - consisted of well over one hundred separate stories. These were shown in a weekly episodic format by the TV network that made it. Most episodes were approximately twenty-four to twenty-five minutes in length. This TV series also spawned at least one spin-off TV show and at least one motion picture.

Lethbridge-Stewart: Hang on just a moment... I think I know the TV show you’ve been talking about!

Doctor: Thank goodness! That is such a relief...

Lethbridge-Stewart: Yeah, you’ve been talking about MY FAVOURITE MARTIAN!

 

[ant-mac]

TERROR OF THE AUTONS

Jo: Well, Doctor, now that Liz has gone back to Cambridge, you’ll need a new assistant. I can fulfil that role perfectly by helping you about in the lavatory.

Doctor 03: Laboratory! I just hope you know what the difference is between the two. Unless you really do plan to wipe my bottom for me.

Jo: Huh? What are you on about? I’m your assistant, not your ass kisser. And although I’m your assistant, that doesn’t mean I’m willing to go anywhere near your ass.

Doctor 03: Oh, that is a shame. But for your information, that’s not what I meant! I meant that a laboratory is where you sit on your stool to study a specimen - and a lavatory is where your stool is the specimen! I’m sorry, Jo, but unless you can give me a very good reason for why I should take you on as my new assistant, it’s no go.

Jo: Well, I’m young, I’m cute, I’m blonde and I wear tight miniskirts...

Doctor 03: I only asked you for one very good reason, Jo. Not a whole list of them! You’re hired!

Jo: I thought you might see things my way. And I know that I may look easy to you, but I bet your mother was even easier.

Doctor 03: Those plastic aliens from SPEARHEAD FROM SPACE are back! And this time... Hey! Did you just insult my mother?

Lethbridge-Stewart: Right you are, Doctor. So, I assume it’s more of the same as last time?

Doctor 03: Er... Not quite, Brigadier. This time we’ve got to watch out for... Um... Deadly plastic daffodils.

Lethbridge-Stewart: Deadly plastic daffodils? Really? I see...

(Later, Doctor 03 goes over things in his mind, once more...)

Doctor 03: So, I’ve just beaten the Autons once more. And I’m now stuck with a blonde assistant once more.

Doctor 09: Snap! Er... Once more.

Doctor 03: You know, it’s quite strange at times. The way that some events repeat themselves in DOCTOR WHO.

Doctor 09: Aren’t we doing just that even as we speak? Wow... Is it me, or is the Author just not putting the same effort into these skits as he used to?

Rose: If you’re the Doctor, then who is this other guy?

Doctor 09: He’s the third Doctor and I’m the ninth Doctor.

Rose: Oh, okay. So, which one of you came first?

Doctor 09: Er... No comment. Oh... I’m sorry. I misunderstood what you meant. Are you sure you’re not made of plastic too, Billie?

Rose: Have you been perving on me when I get changed, Chris? And Jon, did you happen to see me when I was being interviewed on PARKINSON? I happen to like older men. And you are way older than Christopher Eccleston. Mmm...

Doctor 03: Er... Fantastic! I think. I’m just glad William Hartnell’s not here. Mmm... Yummy.

Doctor 09: Hey! Do you mind? That’s my catch phrase... And stop doing that on the laboratory bench! RTD’s not in charge just yet!

 

[ant-mac]

THE MIND OF EVIL

(Doctor 03 and Master 01 chat about their respective clashes with the Keller Machine.)

Master 01: So, did the Keller Machine force you to face your greatest fear?

Doctor 03: Yes... It did. It was a bloody nightmare! I had a dream where I had become a brash, fat and nasty psychopath with a morbid fear of carrot juice. And I had no sense of style at all! I wore yellow and black striped pants, an incredibly vulgar multi-coloured coat and a cat badge. I looked like an explosion in a rainbow factory!

Master 01: Wow! It sure sounds like you had one hell of a bad dream. But I’m sure you’ve got nothing to worry about. Who in their right mind would ever let something like that take place on DOCTOR WHO?

Doctor 03: True. It’ll never happen. So, what was your clash with the Keller Machine like?

Master 01: Well, I found it to be just as scary for me as your dream was for you. For some reason, I had become a hollow mockery of myself. And I can’t explain why, but I was dressed up to look like a six-foot penguin. And I was always inanely giggling my arse off inanely for no good cause. And I seemed to go way over the top most of the time. And I carried a weapon around with me that seemed to look like a big black vibrator...

Doctor 03: Wow! That sounds even worse than my dream. But, as you said before, it’ll never happen...

Master 01: So true. Who in their right mind would take a TV show like DOCTOR WHO and turn it into some sort of a sad pantomime like that?

Doctor 06: Do you think we should tell them the truth?

Master 04: Could you be so cruel to one of your own, Doctor?

Doctor 06: You’ve got a good point there. It is better to travel hopefully than to arrive...

(Later, Doctor 03 and Master 01 meet each other once more.)

Doctor 03: Well, you sure managed to roger your plans up this time, didn’t you? Heh, heh, heh...

Master 01: Oh... That was clever. Yes, Doctor, I must admit I managed to flush all chance of success right down the john.

Doctor 03: Touché, old chap! Well played!

Lethbridge-Stewart: Would you two please stop doing that?! For the sake of credibility at least... Haven’t either of you ever heard of the fourth wall?

Doctor 03: Why don’t you nick off, Brigadier?

Lethbridge-Stewart: How long did it take you to think that up? Well, two can play at that game. You’re a pert, wee little ponce, aren’t you?

Doctor 03: You think you’re so smart, don’t you? Well, your autopsy report could always read, “Caught knee to head”, you know. So just watch it...

Jo: “Caught knee to head”? Okay, I’ve got no clue about what you guys are going on about now.

Doctor 03: And this is news in what way exactly?

 

[ant-mac]

THE CLAWS OF AXOS

Chinn: Would you tell me your full name, Doctor?

Doctor: My name is Smith. Doctor Zachary... Er... I mean Doctor Matt... Er... I mean Doctor Jon... Er... I mean Doctor John Smith. I think...

Chinn: And you’re sure about that, are you? Ah... I’ve noticed some odd things about you, Doctor. Could you please explain some of them to me?

Doctor: Well, that depends. What is it that you want to know, Mister Chinn?

Chinn: I’ve seen that you have quite a distinct style of dress. Why do you wear clothes that look just like a tuxedo?

Doctor: Well, I have been getting a lot of fashion tips from James Bond and Sherlock Holmes of late. But I’m sure that’s just a coincidence...

Chinn: And you seem to spend a lot of your time with young girls.

Doctor: As opposed to what? Spending a lot of my time with young boys? Who do you think I am? Michael Jackson?

Chinn: Ah... Well, let’s move on. Why do you always seem to have a sexy young girl by your side?

Doctor: Well, I’ve got this sonic screwdriver. And it has three power settings... But let’s not go there. This is a TV show for kids...

Yates: I have got to get my hands on one of those!

Doctor: In your wet dreams, GI JOE.

Chinn: And I’ve seen that your car is quite unique, Doctor. Why do you drive a car that is so fast and full of so many secret gadgets?

Doctor: I was just lucky to find a good mechanic.

Chinn: And why do you cart so many highly advanced scientific gadgets around with you?

Doctor: Well, I never know when I’m going to meet a sexy young girl who wants to be my next assistant.

Chinn: And you seem to know quite a lot about many things.

Lethbridge-Stewart: Don’t remind me! He’s such a pompous arse about it!

Doctor: It’s a good thing that I am. I have to be, to help you to find your own arse! The torch, the map and both of your hands just weren’t enough...

Chinn: And how did you come to be so good at so many things? And how did you come to work for a secret agency like TORCHWOOD... Er... UNIT?

Doctor: I read a lot. I like to win when I play TRIVIAL PURSUIT. And I just answered an ad in the classifieds.

Chinn: Oh... Very droll. I just hope you’re joking. And now I think of it, just how did you become so good at unarmed combat?

Doctor: Was I joking? I’m sorry. I can’t tell you. It’s a secret! But I am good at unarmed combat. So I’d watch myself if I were you... No one likes a snoop!

Chinn: All right. So, why do you spend so much of your time fighting the same pitiful and predictable foe, again and again, in nearly all your TV stories?

Doctor: Do you mean the Brigadier or the Master?

 

[ant-mac]

COLONY IN SPACE

(Barry Letts chats with the gathered supporting cast, to tell them about the state of affairs...)

Letts: All right, guys... The Doctor and Jo will see you all back here at UNIT HQ in time for THE DÆMONS .

Yates: Well, it looks like we won’t be in this story after all. The Doctor and Jo have pissed off to an alien gravel quarry without us.

Benton: Um... Yeah. Well, it’s just a clay pit, sir. So we haven’t really missed out on much. But just because we’re on the supporting cast list, we’ve been snubbed! It’s not fair! If only we were on the regular cast list...

Lethbridge-Stewart: Not to worry, Sergeant Benton. I’m sure I’ll still get a brief cameo.

Benton: That’s easy for you to say. After all, strictly speaking, you’re listed as one of the regular cast!

Yates: Yeah, so you get to take part in every story. No matter how brief or pointless your part is! At least for this season.

Lethbridge-Stewart: You know, Yates, you’re starting to sound a bit pointless yourself. It’s just a shame you didn’t learn how to be brief as well. But I guess I’m just lucky. Besides, as Letts said, I’m sure the rest of you will all get asked back for the next story.

Yates: And what happens if I’m not as lucky as you are?

Lethbridge-Stewart: Then it will really suck to be you!

Bell: Oh stop you’re whining, Yates! You could be a lot worse off. No one even knows who I am!

Yates: Do I know you?

Bell: You don’t know who I am? I’m Corporal Bell! I was in THE MIND OF EVIL and THE CLAWS OF AXOS!

Yates: I’m sorry... But you don’t seem to ring any bells. Could you narrow it down a bit more for me?

Bell: Ha, ha, ha... Very amusing. Oh... That was clever. How long did it take you to think that up? You bastard!

Yates: At least you didn’t get totally done over by a writer! In INVASION OF THE DINOSAURS, Malcolm Hulke really got me good. He made me betray all my close friends and thus ended my promising career in UNIT. I just wish I knew why he did it. Why I got screwed like that...

Lethbridge-Stewart: It’s quite simple, Yates. It was payback for your failure to carry out the task you were given in THE GREEN DEATH.

Yates: What failure? Do you mean the task you gave me to infiltrate Global Chemicals and spy on them?

Lethbridge-Stewart: No! The task that Stevens gave you... To shoot and kill the Doctor! If you had just carried out his orders, we could have got rid of Jon Pertwee a whole year sooner than what we did! So, if you think about it, it’s no wonder that you got screwed over!

Yates: Hmm... You do have a good point there.

Master: Good grief! Yates cops all that for failing in just one story? I am so screwed...