Fun DOCTOR WHO

[ant-mac]

THE MYTH MAKERS

Vicki: And now for my poignant departure scene... So long, suckers! I’m outta here!

(Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman enter the console room of the TARDIS...)

Adam: Okay, Jamie, we’re here to test some of the myths surrounding the fall of ancient Troy. It’s never been done before and it could prove to be quite challenging.

Doctor: Eh? What are you two doing here, you blundering idiots? Hmm? This is THE MYTH MAKERS! Not MYTHBUSTERS! Bah!

Jamie: What a total jerk. Well, there’s your problem. And that means we’re screwed...

Katarina: The Princess Cressida tells me all will be well. And I knew it was to come.

Doctor: You knew what was to come, my dear? Did you read the script in advance? Damn! Did I miss out on script rehearsals again? Hmm?

Steven: What difference would it make if you were there or not? You can barely remember your own name, let alone your own lines.

Katarina: That I was to die... But as the very first scene I filmed when I joined up was my death scene, I can’t say that her prediction came as much of a shock.

Doctor: You’re not dead yet! Well, not until THE DALEKS’ MASTER PLAN at least. But I’m not sure if you’re the type of companion I’m looking for.

Katarina: What a wondrous temple this is! Are you a god?

Doctor: Welcome aboard, my child! I can see that you’re going to fit in perfectly around here! And it’s not bad considering the budget we’ve got.

Steven: Oh great! Now that foolish old fart will be insufferable!

Doctor: You annoying little piss ant! I heard that! If you don’t watch your step, you’ll be the one who ends up in the airlock with Kirksen.

Steven: Point taken. But it’s nice to know that at least one part of your anatomy still works the way it’s supposed to. By the way, where’s Vicki?

Doctor: She chose to stay behind in Troy. But what could she possibly be planning to do with a bunch of Trojans? Hmm?

Steven: Something inconceivable I hope. But I guess it depends upon the durability of the Trojans.

Katarina: Oh goody! I can’t wait! But what’s an airlock? Is it anything like an air hole?

Doctor: Eh? What did you call me?! Oh... Air hole. I’m sorry, my dear. I must have misheard you. And you’ll find out soon enough. I promise...

Steven: Well, now that you infer it, an airlock and an arsehole do have a lot in common. Both allow passage from the inside to the outside. Both can achieve a build-up of air pressure. And both are unpleasant to be near if the air pressure suddenly escapes. But why do I suddenly get the feeling I don’t have enough medical coverage?

Katarina: It still sounds like something mysterious and wonderful. I’m just dying to find out more about it. And what’s medical coverage?

Doctor: Oh, silly child! There’s no need for you to worry yourself about that. It’s something you won’t need. And it’s a real shame I never got to meet Homer.

Steven: What are you talking about now, you geriatric old jerk? What would Homer Simpson be doing in ancient Troy?

Doctor: Bah! Not that Homer, you space-aged speck of sputum! Humph!

 

[ant-mac]

THE DALEKS’ MASTER PLAN

(The Spar speeds away from Desperus, with the Doctor, Steven, Katarina, Bret Vyon and Kirksen on it…)

Katarina: Phew! We just had a lucky escape. But what a complete shambles! Everything is in such a mess! I thought you were a god!

Doctor: Yes, my child, it was lucky. For a nasty moment there, I wasn’t sure if the writer could get us out of trouble or not. Hmm?

Katarina: So far, you’ve been anything but godlike. In fact, all you seem to do is dodder about like an incompetent old crank!

Doctor: You’re quite right, my dear. I do. Please allow me to apologize to you most sincerely for all my faults and inadequacies.

Katarina: I’m so glad you see the error of your ways. And that you accept that you’ve made mistakes. I just hope you plan to change them or correct them soon.

Doctor: Oh, I do, my dear. I do. In fact, I plan to change them right now. By the way - on a completely unrelated topic - do you think you could do me a big favour?

Katarina: That depends, Doctor. What do you want me to do?

Doctor: Could you please go and see what that nice chap Kirksen wants. He’s been waiting patiently in the airlock ever since we left Desperus.

Katarina: Well, you did ask me nicely... All right. I’ll be happy to do that for you. I’ll be right back!

Doctor: I wouldn’t be too sure of that if I were you, my dear. And I can hardly wait. In fact, you might say I’m breathless with anticipation.

(Kirksen attacks Katarina as she enters the airlock and they both die instantly after she opens the airlock door and expels both of them out into space...)

Katarina: Never forget my noble sacrifice! I am the first of the Doctor’s companions to give my life for a worthy cause! Argh...!

Kirksen: Who do you think you’re kidding? TV viewers will even remember Adric before they think of you! Argh...!

Doctor: Hmm... Would someone mind closing that door for me? Eh? I’m starting to feel a definite chill about my shoulders.

Bret: Lucky you. I’m starting to feel a definite chill down my spine. You’re a sadistic senior citizen, aren’t you?

Doctor: Hmm... That reminds me. Your sister rang up earlier while you were out. She said she wants to meet up with you soon for a family reunion.

Bret: That is good news! I’ve really missed Sara since we both became agents of the Space Security Service. I’m simply dying to see her again!

Sara: Yes, you will, Brigadier. Er... I mean Bret. Because I promise you, I won’t miss. There might be safety in numbers - but not if that number is one.

Steven: And in your exalted opinion, Doctor, what happens to Sara if she turns out to be as unworthy a companion as Katarina or Bret?

Doctor: Eh? Oh, don’t worry about that. If her attitude gets old too quick, then I’ll just make sure she does too. Hmm...

Steven: Nasty... Or are you having a Patrick Troughton moment? You must remind me to drop that little pearl into the conversation should we ever meet their parents.

Doctor: Eh? Patrick Troughton? Bah! Never heard of him. But do you have a complaint or a criticism that you’d like to make about me? Hmm?

Steven: Are you serious? Vicki mentioned him twice! And not bloody likely! I’ve met Mechanoids friendlier, cuddlier and more compassionate than you are!

Doctor: You’ve made a very wise choice, my boy. You must’ve taken your smart pills today. Hmm...

 

[ant-mac]

THE MASSACRE

(The Doctor and Steven stand together in the console room of the TARDIS, chatting about their time spent in Paris, in 1572...)

Steven: So we left Anne Chaplette to die in Paris, in 1572 and we’re going to pick up Dodo Chaplet in London, in 1966?

Doctor: My dear Steven... History sometimes gives us a terrible shock. Hmm...

Steven: Yeah, but it’s still a bit of a fluke, isn’t it? We travel forward three hundred and ninety-four years. Cross from Paris to London. And the first person we meet just happens to be a direct descendant of a main character from the story we’ve just finished. What are the chances of that happening?

Doctor: That is because we don’t quite fully understand. Hmm...

Steven: I’d also like to know how Dodo managed to keep the same surname - more or less - as Anne. After about four hundred years?! If Anne lived and got married, wouldn’t she have changed her name to that of her husband’s? I mean, just how gullible do you think the TV viewers at home are?

Doctor: After all, we’re too small to realize its final pattern. And silence is golden, so shut the hell up! Bah! You’re ruining the moment!

Steven: Or are you trying to convince me of yet another amazing twist of fate? That Anne met a man with the exact same last name as hers? And are you also saying that for the last four hundred years, the Chaplette family has produced at least one male child in every single generation?

Doctor: Steven… Even after all this time, you cannot understand. And I get the strong feeling that I left the wrong companion back on Kembel.

Steven: Or are you saying that Anne gave birth to a son out of wedlock? Because the last time I checked, RTD hadn’t taken over as producer just yet.

Doctor: Bah! There’s only one son born out of wedlock here - and it’s not Anne Chaplet’s child! Humph!

Steven: Meh... Tell someone who cares. Mind you, I’m not so sure about that. After all, you can be a bit of a cranky old bastard too, can’t you?

Doctor: How dare you! I am not! I was born on a farm in Seaton, in Devon, in England! I had a father who was a farmer and then later a stockbroker. I’ve never been to Saint Pancras, in London and I’ve no idea of what takes place there! Humph!

Steven: Born on a farm, were you? Any more in the litter? But what the hell are you blithering on about? I don’t remember any of this in the script.

Doctor: Er... Don’t worry about that. Now, where was I? Hmm?

Steven: Well, I guess that’s why it’s called a William Hartnell moment. But are you sure you’re the Doctor? You sound just like the Abbot of Amboise to me.

Doctor: Huh? What do you mean by that, my boy? Eh? I’m the Doctor. I’m the hero of this TV program. Or at least I have been since the start of MARCO POLO.

Steven: Well, not only did he look just like you, Doctor, but you also sound just like him! Oh well, I guess I should go outside and bump into Dodo by chance...

(As Steven leaves the console room of the time ship, someone else sneaks into it through the inner door and strikes the Doctor down from behind...)

Doctor: Ow! My head! Wow... I never saw that coming! Argh...!

Abbot: You dithering old dementia sufferer. That doesn’t surprise me a bit. The perfect crime! No one will ever know!

 

[ant-mac]

THE ARK

(Doctor 09 and Rose meet Jabe, one of the Tree People from the Forest of Cheem.)

Jabe: So, this young child who travels with you through space and time... Is she your wife?

Doctor 09: What?! Hey! I might be lonely... But I’m not that lonely! Why does everyone call her a child? What are they all trying to say?

Jabe: Well... You point out how old you are, while others point out she’s so young and just a child... So, what do you think? Is she your partner?

Doctor 09: What?! No! That’s just as bad! What do you think I am? Some sort of sad, sick, sex pervert?

Jabe: Well... If the shoe fits... In that case, is she your concubine?

Doctor 09: No. She’s not one of those either! Just go and read my last statement... Or the one before that.

Jabe: Well... What is she? A prostitute?

Doctor 09: Yes. And not just in THE SECRET DIARY OF A CALL GIRL. Heh, heh, heh...

Rose: You sad, sick, sex pervert! Watch it...

Jabe: Hmm... I think I’m starting to get it. Is she a bitch? Or a slut? Or a tart?

Rose: Watch it, you overgrown piece of kindling! I may not have been a Girl Guide, but I still know how to rub two sticks together!

Doctor 09: Well... Now that you mention it, I can see why you might think that. Heh, heh, heh... Oh yeah! C’mon, baby, LIGHT MY FIRE!

Rose: What the hell are you going on about? You’re just asking for trouble, aren’t you?

Doctor 09: Oh no... It’s not that. No, not at all. I’m just a big fan of THE DOORS. Oh crap. I’m in deep trouble, aren’t I?

Rose: Oh yeah. If you try to TOUCH ME, Big Ears, it’ll be THE END. I’ll smack your face into the nearest door so hard, that it’ll BREAK ON THROUGH!

Doctor 09: Er... I’m sorry about my little slip. PEOPLE ARE STRANGE - and I’m even stranger. But I just look forward to having a snog with you!

Rose: What? That happens at the end of BAD WOLF, not at THE END OF THE WORLD! You’re being a bit premature, aren’t you?

Doctor 09: Hey! What are you trying to say? Oh well, it looks like it’ll just be me, my sonic screwdriver and a lot of cabinets to put up tonight. Once more.

Rose: Oh yeah? And just who are you trying to fool? And who’s that old guy over there? Is he the Face of Boe?

Doctor 09: No. He’s the face of me. Or at least one of them. In fact, as it happens, he is the Doctor. The original, you might say!

Doctor 01: Why the hell are the three of you here? Don’t you know you can’t rewrite history? Not one line! Only the writer can do that sort of thing! Hmm.

Doctor 09: What do you mean? This is the story in which we see the destruction of Earth, isn’t it?

Doctor 01: You sad, sick, sex pervert! Well... As a matter of fact, it is. But it’s THE ARK. Not THE END OF THE WORLD. Humph!

Doctor 09: Of course! How stupid of me! I should have realized! It’s all in black and white...

 

[ant-mac]

THE CELESTIAL TOYMAKER

(The Doctor and the Toymaker confront each other in the evil being’s realm beyond space and time...)

Toymaker: Ah, Doctor. Welcome back to TOYS Я US... Er... I mean THE CELESTIAL TOYROOM. I want to play with you.

Doctor: You kinky bloody pervert! I bet you do. Hmm...

Toymaker: I beg your pardon?

Doctor: You just said you wanted to play with me, you Machiavellian mandarin! Hmm...

Toymaker: You doddering old dimwit! I didn’t mean it that way! You have all the intelligence and wit of a baboon.

Doctor: Oh no. Of course you didn’t. And I’m sure Katarina and Kirksen are living happily ever after and raising a family together, even as we speak.

Toymaker: I didn’t! I just meant I want to play a game with you, Doctor.

Doctor: Oh, yes? And just what type of game did you have in mind? Does it involve you hiding my Reacting Vibrator in a very confidential location?

Toymaker: Your what? Um... On second thoughts, I’m not sure I want to know...

Doctor: My Reacting Vibrator. It’s an early version of the sonic screwdriver. Except that the sonic screwdriver has three power settings and vibrates...

Toymaker: No! I was in fact referring to the Trilogic game! But I would like to know more about these three power settings and vibrations.

Doctor: Ah... I see. Sorry, I mistook you for some type of sexual pervert. My sincere apologies. Hmm...

Toymaker: I should hope so, Doctor! I never for one moment dreamed that you would be into such things.

Doctor: Well, perhaps if you bought me a stiff drink first, we could discuss it later. Hmm...

Toymaker: I would like to take back my last statement. Besides, we can’t do anything like that! Not until RTD takes over as the producer...

Doctor: Meh... You’re loss! But that’s a very good point you’ve got there.

Toymaker: Oh... I’m sorry, Doctor. I didn’t realize that my fly was open. Or did you mean my statement about RTD?

Doctor: Ah... Eh? Er... I see. Hee, hee! Yes, yes. Hee, hee... Eh? Hmm. Hmm. Huh? Yes, yes. Er... It's a... Bah! Ah... Yes. Hmm. Hmm. Hee, hee!

Toymaker: Are you having another one of your funny turns, Doctor? Or did you just forget your lines again?

Doctor: Bah! What the hell do you mean? You moronic mandarin! Read the bloody script! That was my line! Humph!

Toymaker: Oh, all right. I’m sorry, Doctor. My mistake. In fact, I’m just surprised this TV show is still called DOCTOR WHO during the reign of RTD.

Doctor: What do you mean? What else would he call it?

Toymaker: Well, I’d have thought he would have changed its name to DOCTOR SEX. Or SEX AND THE SINGLE ALIEN.

Doctor: Hmm... You could be right about that. I’m just glad he didn’t change its name to ROSE.

 

[ant-mac]

THE GUNFIGHTERS

Doctor: Ouch! Pain! I’m in pain! I'm in terrible pain, Dildo!

Dodo: My name’s Dodo! What's wrong, Doctor? What are you going on about?

Steven: Either he’s got a toothache, or he’s been reading the script for this story.

Dodo: Yeah... This is the most abysmal William Hartnell adventure ever made. It’s even worse than THE WEB PLANET. In fact, this is probably the worse DOCTOR WHO story that’s ever been made!

Steven: What about THE HORNS OF NIMON? Or THE TWIN DILEMMA? Or TIME AND THE RANI? Or LOVE & MONSTERS?

Dodo: I stand corrected.

Doctor: I could use a little help over here! The pain is unbearable! I’ve got a toothache! I need highly advanced dental facilities! And I need them now!

(With a wheezing, groaning noise, the TARDIS lands at its next destination…)

Steven: We've arrived in Tombstone, Arizona, in 1881.

Doctor: Close enough! I’m sure it’ll be okay. Or should I say, “OK”? Hmm? Even though we nearly hit that DeLorean DMC-12 as we came into land...

(The three time trekkers leave the TARDIS…)

Steven: Howdy, stranger. I’m Steven Taylor.

Holliday: Howdy, pardner. Doc Holliday…

Doctor: Hello there. Yes, I’d love to take a vacation once I get rid of my toothache. But kindly refrain from addressing me as “Doc”! Humph!

Holliday: Why, them sounds like fighting words, stranger. Are you looking to have your front teeth knocked out?

Doctor: Eh? That’ll do nicely. Hmm...

Earp: Howdy, pardner. Wyatt Earp.

Doctor: Why ask me? Eh? How should I know why you’re a twerp? Hmm?

Earp: No! I’m Wyatt Earp! C’mon Doc, let’s get out of here. Let’s go over to the saloon and ask the barkeep for a stiff one.

Holliday: Okay, Wyatt. Then we can mount up and ride ‘em cowboy over to the OK Corral and take care of them Clanton boys.

Earp: Yep. When we find them, you keep them distracted while I sneak around from behind. I’m gonna pump ‘em full of lead!

Dodo: I hope they’re talking to each other using clichés and slang from the WILD WILD WEST.

Doctor: Eh? Why’s that, Dildo?

Dodo: My name’s Dodo! And if they’re not using clichés from the WILD WILD WEST, then that means we’ve arrived on BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN.

 

[ant-mac]

THE SAVAGES

(The TARDIS lands, the doors fly open and the Doctor dashes out, followed closely by Steven and Dodo...)

Steven: Where are you off to in such a rush, Doctor? Have you seen something shiny?

Doctor: I need to answer a call of nature! I’ll be right back.

(The Doctor rushes behind a bush, drops his pants and squats down.)

Steven: Did he just say HUMAN NATURE? Eew! What the hell do you think you’re doing, Doctor?! This is supposed to be a TV show for children!

Doctor: I’m hiding behind a bush... Rather like the Republican Party in the USA. No one can see what I’m up to. Oh... What a relief!

Steven: Thank God for small mercies. But I really didn’t need this.

Doctor: Oh, my God! That’s better! Oh boy, I really needed that. Uh-oh... Oh bollocks!

Steven: Yes, if you’re currently squatting down and looking straight down at the ground beneath you, that’s probably what you’ll see. Why? What’s wrong with them?

Doctor: No, it’s not that. I forgot to pull down my underwear. Hmm...

Steven: Oh dear God! Make it stop! I can’t take any more of this crap!

(The Doctor comes back from behind the bush.)

Doctor: Well, that’s where you and my underwear have something in common, my boy. Hmm?

Steven: I never thought I’d envy Katarina. I had hoped the quality and tone would improve for my last story. But it would seem I was clearly delusional.

Doctor: Hmm. Join the club, my boy. I know that feeling quite well...

Steven: What’s that bulge in your pocket, Doctor? Is that your sonic screwdriver? Or are you just happy to see me?

Doctor: Hmm? No... This is my RV you see... My Reacting Vibrator. Hmm...

Steven: What the hell is it with you?! Why must you constantly and consistently foul up all your lines?

(Dodo quickly checks over the script and then shakes her head.)

Dodo: I hate to disappoint you, Steven, but he got his lines right. That’s what it says here in the script.

Steven: You’re kidding me, aren’t you? Well, I’ll be buggered.

Doctor: Young man, what you choose to do in your personal life is no concern of mine. Hmm...

Steven: I don’t get it. You can’t remember my name, Dodo’s name or even your own name. You crap in your pants and forget the most simple and straightforward of lines. Yet you managed to remember the name of a device that sounds like a sex toy! Why is that?

Doctor: Just lucky, I guess...

 

[ant-mac]

THE WAR MACHINES

(The Doctor and Dodo leave the TARDIS and step out onto a sidewalk in London, where they look up at the Post Office Tower.)

Doctor: You know there’s something alien about that tower, Dildo. Hmm?

Dodo: My name’s Dodo! And that tower is as close as you’ll ever get to a mighty erection.

Doctor: I can sense it, Dildo! Or should I have said, “I can smell it”? Hmm?

Dodo: My name’s Dodo! And everything smells okay to me. Apart from your body odour. Do all old people smell as bad as you?

Doctor: I can feel it! Something sort of powerful, Dildo!

Dodo: My name’s Dodo! And whatever it is you’re feeling, just keep it to yourself!

Doctor: Look at my skin, Dildo! Look at that!

Dodo: My name’s Dodo! And what? It looks just as saggy and wrinkly as it did five minutes ago.

Doctor: I’ve got that prickling sensation, Dildo!

Dodo: My name’s Dodo! And you just keep your sensational prick or whatever it is away from me!

Doctor: The sensation again - the same - just as I had when I fought the Daleks, Dildo!

Dodo: My name’s Dodo! And is it by any chance the same sensation you get when you’re struggling to remember your lines?

Doctor: And there’s something about the shape of that tower, Dildo. Hmm...

Dodo: My name’s Dodo! And what about the shape of that tower? It might look like a phallic object, but it’ll still never be as big a dick as you.

Doctor: I have it, my child! That tower looks just like a huge dodo! Hmm...

Dodo: Dildo! Damn it! Now you’ve got me saying that bloody word! Can I leave now?

Doctor: It’s all right, Dildo my dear. I know your name. Hmm...

Dodo: My name’s Dodo! That’s it! I’m outta here at the end of this story!

Doctor: Eh? And what makes you think you’ll last that long? Hmm?

(Later, the Doctor and Dodo enter the Post Office Tower and travel to the very top in a lift, where they meet Professor Brett and Polly...)

Brett: Let me show you my new invention. It’s the greatest computer ever built. It even has a name.

Dodo: Let me guess... A sentient computer that plans to take over the world by employing large, lethal machines to enforce its will. It must be Skynet!

Brett: Er... No. James Cameron’s a pilfering bloody plagiarist! Actually, it’s WOTAN. That stands for Will Operating Thought Analogue.

Polly: From what I’ve seen, I thought it meant Wildly Overrated Technobabble Annoyance.

 

[ant-mac]

THE SMUGGLERS

(Doctor 01 confronts Ben and Polly in the console room of the time machine...)

Doctor 01: How dare you follow me into the TARDIS! Bah! Only my companion, Dildo, is free to come in here!

Ben: Her name’s Dodo! And we just wanted to bring her key back to you and thank you for saving us all from WOTAN...

Doctor 01: You didn’t have to bring her key back. I could have made another one to replace Dildo’s key.

Ben: Her name’s Dodo! A dildo is a... It’s a... Well, never mind what it is.

Doctor 01: The distractions... I really thought I was going to be alone again. Now that Dildo is gone.

Ben: Her name’s Dodo! And just how did that big bloody War Machine get to the top of the Post Office Tower in that tiny little lift to destroy WOTAN?

Doctor 01: Well done, POPEYE! You had to go and spoil the illusion for the TV viewers at home, didn’t you?

Polly: Well, you didn’t have to take off with us on board, did you?

Doctor 01: Er… I hate goodbyes and I wanted to leave before I became too emotional over the departure of Dildo.

Ben: Her name’s Dodo! Why can’t you get her name right just once?

Polly: Well, regardless of the cause, the current situation is still your fault! So you’ll just have to put up with the result.

Doctor 01: Result? What result? What do you mean? Hmm? I have to say I don’t entirely care for your tone, young lady. Dodo never acted like that.

Ben: Her name’s Dildo! Oh, wait... Damn!

Polly: Tough luck, Doctor. You now have us as companions until you take us back to where and when we belong. Or you change…

Ben: And if you need any advice concerning a good reason for changing, please don’t hesitate to ask.

Doctor 01: Change? Me? What nonsense! I am the Doctor! I’m irreplaceable! Everyone knows that!

Polly: I wouldn’t be so sure of that if I were you.

Doctor 01: Well, I might be superseded, but I’ll never be replaced!

Doctor (Richard Hurndall): I’ve got news for you on that score too. And it’s all bad...

Doctor 01: Bah! Then I will simply refuse to take part in a departure scene! Humph!

Doctor 07: Colin Baker did that when he was sacked. He refused to return to take part in a regeneration scene.

Doctor 08: Did he really? And what happened then?

Doctor 07: Oh, we did just fine without him. Or should I have said, “I did just fine without him”?

Doctor 08: Damn it! That lucky bastard got a departure scene... And he wasn’t even in it!

 

[ant-mac]

THE TENTH PLANET

Doctor 01: This old body’s wearing a bit thin. Hmm...

Lumic: Trust me, that’s not the only thing that’s wearing a bit thin around here. You aren’t gaining any new fans or winning any prizes for your portrayal of the main character as a forgetful, incoherent and incontinent old fart. Have you ever thought about a different style to your acting?

Doctor 01: Acting? Who the hell’s acting? Um... It might be best to ignore that last comment. So, who are you and what do you think you’re doing here?

Lumic: Hi! My name is John Lumic. I’m here to create the Cybermen for their first story. This is RISE OF THE CYBERMEN, isn’t it?

Krail: No. This is THE TENTH PLANET. Sometimes, RTD makes it quite hard to tell the difference between the old TV show and the new one.

Lumic: Oops... My bad. Yeah, his constant adjusting and reviewing of everything makes it all so confusing.

Doctor 09: I know. I sometimes think he used DIMENSIONS IN TIME as a template for the new TV show.

Doctor 01: Exactly! And I don’t recall being told about you. I thought I was due to be replaced by an immoral little imp. Hmm?

RTD: I did. I thought DIMENSIONS IN TIME was canon... Bugger!

Talon: DIMENSIONS IN TIME is not a part of the DOCTOR WHO canon. And neither is THE CURSE OF THE FATAL DEATH.

RTD: Are you trying to tell me that THE CURSE OF THE FATAL DEATH wasn’t canon either? Bugger!

Doctor 01: You bloody knobhead! You know, when I look into your eyes, I see a sign that says, “This space for rent”. Tell me you’re not serious. Hmm?

Doctor 09: He is. It’s clear you haven’t seen ALIENS OF LONDON.

Doctor 01: Point taken. You know, for some strange reason, I’ve got this sudden urge to change...

RTD: So, who’s that old bloke you’re talking to, Chris? Is he Richard Hurndall?

Ben: I don’t know who you are, but I wish you hadn’t said that.

Polly: Yeah. Just try to remember that he’s old and frail and not long for this TV show. Please be gentle with him.

Doctor 01: I’m not Richard Hurndall! You moronic monkey! Why don’t you try using that brain of yours for something other than keeping out the draught?

RTD: I see what you mean... And I stand corrected. It’s now clear to me that you’re not Richard Hurndall.

Doctor 01: Oh... My dear chap! It’s so very good of you to admit to your error. Thank you.

RTD: It’s clear to me now you must be Colin Baker.

Doctor 01: Eh? What?! How dare you! Why don’t you put your brain into gear before you engage your mouth? Why, I should...

RTD: Oh dear... I always wondered what the real reason was for the Doctor’s first regeneration.

(Doctor 01 turns purple in the face, abruptly falls to the floor of the TARDIS and starts to regenerate into Doctor 02...)

 

[ant-mac]

THE POWER OF THE DALEKS

Kirk: Captain’s Log - stardate 3372.7. We have just beamed down to the planet Vulcan. Now, we hope we can -

Doctor: Hey! Get lost, Captain Cock! Why don’t you go back WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE? And this time, stay there!

Kirk: But we’re on the planet Vulcan, where Spock comes from. He’s suffering from the Pon Farr. So we brought him back here so he can mate -

Doctor: Whoa! That’s way too much information! This is not that planet Vulcan! You’re in the wrong franchise! In fact, you’re in my franchise! So get out!

Spock: Gene Roddenberry will be so pissed off when he learns of this. To have two worlds named Vulcan is just not logical. It is one too many...

Doctor: Logic, my dear Spoof, merely enables one to be wrong with authority. So live long and piss off! This is DOCTOR WHO. Not STAR TREK!

Kirk: Huh? What the hell’s going on here? I don’t get it...

Spock: Oh, what a shock! Please excuse me while I raise a single eyebrow in surprise. Anyway, it’s humour, Jim. But not as you know it...

McCoy: It’s worse than that. He’s British, Jim! Um... Britain is about three thousand seven hundred miles east of Iowa, you dumb farm boy.

Doctor: Shut up, Bonehead! By the way, nice tunics you’ve all got on. Yellow... Red... Blue... You all look like you’re in THE WIGGLES! Wake up, Jeff!

Chekov: Save it for the Daleks, you diminutive little deviant! I suggest we beam back up to the Enterprise, where this Cossack won’t be able to insult us!

Doctor: I was wondering when you were going to show up, Jerk Off. Could you do me a favour? Ask someone where they keep their nuclear wessels...

Chekov: Shut up! And my name is Chekov! My God! You’re worse than that flailing old fool that you just replaced!

Scott: We canna take much more of this, Captain! The plot’s about to blow! And I don’t mean explode...

Doctor: I think you’ve mistaken me for someone who gives a damn. And if I had the time, Snotty, I’d show you just where you could stick your warp core!

(The five star trekkers beam up to their waiting starship, while the three time trekkers stay on the surface of Vulcan.)

Ben: Oh dear... The worse thing about a plot that makes sense is you can very easily make it turn out nonsense. Now, what's the game? Who are you?

Doctor: I'm the new Doctor. I’ve just regenerated. Oops... I can’t say that yet. Er... I mean I've been... Renewed. That's it! I've been renewed!

Ben: Oh, so that's it. You've been renewed have ya? Well, if you’re the Doctor, where’s your ring?

Doctor: That’s a rather personal question! But if you must know, it’s to be found on the same part of my anatomy as yours is, you Cockney cockhead.

Ben: Not that ring! I meant the one you wore on your finger! You, my old china, are an out and out phoney! And did you just insult me?

Doctor: You dim-witted deckhand! What is wrong with you? Don’t you know how to read a script? I’ve completely changed! So it no longer fits me...

Polly: That's the most inane drivel I've ever heard in my life. Maybe you really are the Doctor... But if you are, that ring should fit on your finger!

Doctor: So, you’ll only believe I’m the new Doctor if I can stick my finger in my last incarnation’s ring?

Polly: Yes, but you didn’t have to make it sound so crude!

 

[ant-mac]

THE HIGHLANDERS

(The Doctor, Ben, Polly and Jamie stand in front of the TARDIS, when a strange man with a large sabre suddenly joins them...)

Ramirez: From the dawn of time we came, moving silently down through the centuries. Living many secret lives, struggling to reach the time of the Gathering, when the few who remain will battle to the last. No one has ever known we were among you... Until now. Ah... Until I did this voiceover - and gave our secret away. Um... Oh, bollocks! That’s probably the dumbest thing I’ve ever done. Well, apart from thinking I could sing in DARBY O’GILL AND THE LITTLE PEOPLE.

Doctor: No kidding... But what are you on about? And just who do you think you are? I’ll have you know I’m the star of this TV show. And there can be only one!

Ramirez: The name’s Ramirez, you loathsome little leprechaun. Juan Sanchez Villa-Lobos Ramirez.

Doctor: Wow! Now that’s a real mouthful. And it’s nowhere near as snappy as “Bond. James Bond”. But this is not HIGHLANDER. It’s THE HIGHLANDERS.

Polly: So, Ben... I see you now accept that this new guy is in fact the Doctor. But why? What made you finally change your mind?

Ben: Yes, Duchess. I thought about it and I decided at last that I am. Besides, that Dalek back on Vulcan recognized him. It recognized the Doctor. It recognized him...

Doctor: So, Ben, let me get this straight... You had a problem with trusting me, yet you were quite happy to take the word of a homicidal killing machine? Is that right?

Ben: Er... Yeah. But it wasn’t easy for me to accept your change. All my years in the navy didn’t help me to prepare for any of this.

Doctor: You might be a sailor, Ben, but you’d be out of your depth in a puddle!

Ben: Well, it's not just your face that's changed. You don't even act the same any more.

Doctor: So you think it would be better if I still crapped in my pants, forgot my lines and dribbled all over myself?

Ben: Fair point. But you did help me to believe in regeneration.

Doctor: Watch it! We can’t use that word yet. But do you mean I helped you to believe in renewal? Well, I’m so glad to hear you say that, Ben.

Ben: Um... Yeah. That’s what I meant to say. But mainly since no one could be as incoherent and incomprehensible as you are in just one lifetime!

Doctor: Ha, ha, ha... Very droll. I’m such an idiot for walking straight into that one. And I know I’ll regret asking this, but what do you think of me so far?

Ben: Bring back Billy! Bring back Billy!

Polly: Yeah! Bring back Billy! Bring back Billy!

Doctor: What?! Bring back Billy?! Oh... Hang on. You mean Billy Hartnell. Oh... Well, that’s all right. But for a nasty moment there, I thought you meant Billie Piper!

Polly: Hey! We might be mean, but we’re not mad! And at first, I thought you’d reached rock bottom. But since then, I can see you’ve kept digging.

Doctor: Does Polly want a cracker? Just kidding. So, just what are the two of you trying to tell me?

Polly: Oh, nothing, you egomaniacal elf. So, what do you think of Jamie? I think he’ll make the perfect companion! He’s as strong as an Ogron! And almost as smart...

Jamie: Hey! I heard that! I’m not so sure I want to join the TARDIS crew. Next to the three of you, the Kurgan is downright likeable.

 

[ant-mac]

THE UNDERWATER MENACE

Ben: Can you tell us what takes place in this TV story, Doctor?

Doctor 02: Sure... Why not? We all go to Atlantis. And while we’re there, we have to stop a mad scientist called Professor Zaroff from destroying Earth...

Ben: I see. And do we succeed in stopping him from doing that?

Doctor 02: Is Adric an annoying little turd?

Ben: Point taken. And does anything else of interest take place, Doctor?

Doctor 02: Yes, Ben... We all die agonizing and gruesome deaths at the end of the last part.

Jamie: What?! You’re joking, aren’t you?

Doctor 02: Yes. But sadly, Atlantis does get destroyed at the end. Just make sure you don’t tell Elizabeth Weir about it though. She’ll be really pissed...

Doctor 03: Yes, it is sad. Even more so, when you realize Azal said he destroyed it in THE DÆMONS . And that it’s destroyed once more in THE TIME MONSTER! Now, is it just me, or are there recurring cycles starting to creep into DOCTOR WHO?

Doctor 02: Don’t start… Besides... I’m sure the third time’s a charm. And I don’t mean you! Now why don’t you sod off, you flashy frolicking fop!

Polly: Am I right in thinking this TV story is set beneath the sea?

Doctor 02: Well, I’d have thought that THE UNDERWATER MENACE would have given you a bit of a hint...

Polly: Oh yeah. But will we be able to talk to each other beneath the sea?

Doctor 02: Um... I don’t know about the rest of us, but I’m quite sure you will. And no doubt while you’re eating an ice cream at the same time.

Polly: And will we be able to scream out loud beneath the sea?

Doctor 02: Oh, yes... But you must make sure that you take a deep breath first.

(The time ship lands and Doctor 02, Ben, Polly and Jamie step out onto a beach, where they meet Steve Irwin.)

Steve: Crikey, cobber! It’s about time you got here! I’m here to help you deal with THE UNDERWATER MENACE!

Doctor 02: And what makes you think you can help us? You sound like just another mouth on legs to me. You’re not related to Tegan, are you?

Steve: Nah... But I am an expert on all sorts of wildlife! Both in the water and on the land! I’ve loved critters of all kinds ever since I was a little tyke.

Doctor 02: I’m sure you have... But what you do in your private life is no concern of mine. Why don’t you go and frolic with that stingray over there in the water? I promise we’ll call you if we need you.

Steve: No worries, mate. I’ll see you guys a bit later...

Doctor 02: No you won’t, you khaki clad clown. Not if that stingray sees you first.

 

[ant-mac]

THE MOONBASE

(The four time travellers are frolicking about on the surface of the Moon, when Jamie promptly falls to the ground and loses consciousness...)

Polly: Doctor! Come quick! Jamie’s fallen down! He’s not moving!

Doctor: It’s all right, Polly. There’s no need to panic.

Polly: But Jamie must have knocked himself out when he fell to the ground! We have to get him medical help!

Doctor: No. I don’t think that’s the problem, Polly.

Ben: Then why would he fall down and blackout like he just did?

Doctor: Well, if you really must know, I think he just farted in his spacesuit. But don’t worry. It’s not as if he’s one of those ALIENS OF LONDON or anything.

(Later, the Weather Control Station on the Moon comes under attack from the Cybermen.)

Jamie: Doctor! The Cybernauts are attacking Moonbase Alpha!

Doctor: Cybernauts? Moonbase Alpha? Do I look like John Steed? Or Commander John Koenig? Do you have any idea about which TV show you’re in?

Jamie: Er... No. Not really. But if they succeed in taking over, we’ll all get turned into cybernetic creatures made of metal and plastic!

Doctor: An army of Pamela Andersons is a scary thought... But it’s okay, you stupid Scottish git. You don’t have to worry about them being any real threat to us.

Jamie: Why not? Are you implying that the number two foe on DOCTOR WHO is about as dangerous as a dinner lady?

Doctor: Well, it’ll turn out that they’ve got yet another fatal weakness. And most likely it’ll be to any old thing we just happen to have lying about the place.

Polly: Are you sure? They were so mighty and powerful in THE TENTH PLANET.

Ben: Yeah. Mind you, with those jug handles for ears and that mouth that opened wide each time they spoke, they were kind of cute somehow...

Polly: Eew! You sick puppy! What the hell’s wrong with you? You do know your name’s Ben and not Jack, don’t you? Although I suppose you are a sailor.

Doctor: That’s because it was their first story. Most recurring foes get off to a good start in their first story. But as the years roll by, the writers will get more and more inane and lazy in how they treat the Cybermen. You’ll be shocked by what they can be destroyed by in the end. X-ray lasers. Emotions. Gold dust. Gold stars for maths. Spears. Machetes. Laser probes. Rifles. Pistols. A steel pipe. A bow and arrow. Even a slingshot...

Cyberman: That’s a bit of a worry. It sounds like we’ve got less chance of survival than a red shirt on STAR TREK. You are kidding, aren’t you?

Doctor: I wish I were. At the rate you’re going, you’ll end up being at risk from such hazards as wind, rain, sleet, hail and harsh language.

Cyberman: You can always judge a man by the quality of his enemies. So, we’re not doing you any favours. But we will survive.

Polly: Someone’s a Gloria Gaynor fan. So, how will we stop them this time? Have we got any of those items handy you just mentioned?

Doctor: Er... No. So, how about we use gravity? It’d be a real shame not to put that wibbly-wobbly Gravitron prop to some sort of use.

 

[ant-mac]

THE MACRA TERROR

Polly: I don’t see why there’s any need to worry, Doctor. What’s so bad about macramé? It’s just a bit of string tied together to form a lacy pattern.

Doctor: Not macramé - Macra! Now... It's just possible that you've been given a series of orders while you've been asleep. You might have been told to “Do this”, “Do that” or “Do the other”. My advice to you is not to do anything of the sort. You do not need to be obedient. Always make up your own mind. Promise me that.

Polly: Yes, Doctor. I will. I promise. Although by doing what you ask and promising you that, aren’t I in fact doing the exact opposite?

Ben: Hey, Pol... Talk like a chicken for me...

Polly: Cluck! Cluck! Cluck!

Jamie: Hey, Pol... Talk like a cow for me...

Polly: Moo! Moo! Moo!

Doctor: Ben! Jamie! Stop that! Neither of you should have made fun of Polly like that!

Polly: What was that, Doctor? What were you just saying to Ben and Jamie?

Doctor: Oh... It was nothing, Polly, nothing. Now... Talk like a pig for me...

Polly: Oink! Oink! Oink!

Doctor: I know I shouldn’t have made fun of Polly. But I just couldn’t resist.

Polly: What’s going on, Doctor? I get the feeling something’s going on around here that I don’t know about! It’s time that you came clean with me!

Doctor: Damn it! I’ve been caught out... Crap!

(Polly does as she is told by the Doctor...)

Ben: Eew! Oh, my God! That is so gross! Well, I’ll tell you one thing for certain - I ain’t cleaning that mess up.!

RTD: Hi there... Sorry I’m so late. I just came back to do a bit of research. The traffic was absolutely terrible. I got stuck in the biggest traffic jam of all time. Talk about GRIDLOCK. And all those Macra trying to snap at me didn’t help much either.

Doctor: What do you mean? All those Macra? The Macra really get to come back? Crap!

(Polly does as she is told by the Doctor once more...)

Jamie: Eew! Oh, my God! Doctor! She’s done it again!

(Later, Ben and Polly relax together in the TARDIS...)

Ben: Well, now that the Macra have been dealt with, how would you like a nice cup of tea, Pol?

T’Pol: Yes? Did you want something? Did you just call out my name?

 

[ant-mac]

THE FACELESS ONES

(The Doctor, Ben, Polly and Jamie all stand together as they say goodbye...)

Doctor: It's July. July the twentieth, to be precise. So you know what that means...

Ben: July the twentieth, 1966 is when it all began! We're back to when it all started!

Polly: That means it's as... It's as if we've never been away!

Doctor: Neither of you ever made much of an impact as my companions. That means it’s as if you've never been here.

Ben: But we won't leave you, Doctor. Not if you really need us.

Doctor: Don’t you ever threaten me like that again. Now go on, Ben can catch his ship and become an Admiral and you, Polly, you can look after Ben.

(Ben and Polly turn and walk away from the Doctor and Jamie…)

Polly: So are you looking forward to getting married, Ben? After all, it’s what the Doctor said...

Ben: Marry you? Don’t think I'm as dumb as you look! And as for what that microscopic misanthrope said, I’d sooner take advice from a Dalek.

Polly: Hey! I'm blonde. What's your excuse? But don’t worry, Ben. I’ll set you straight once we’re married!

Ben: I’m a sailor, Duchess. What makes you think I’m straight to start with?

Polly: Um... Good point. But what have you got against marriage?

Ben: Divorce. Have you ever heard of bigamy?

Polly: I think so. That’s when you have one wife too many, isn’t it?

Ben: Yep - and monogamy is the same thing.

(Suddenly, a War Machine rolls out from behind a nearby aircraft hangar and fires at Ben and Polly...)

Polly: At least we got back to Earth. Argh...!

Ben: And at least we got back before that frakking BATTLESTAR GALACTICA did! Argh...!

Jamie: That giant metal beastie has just shot Ben and Polly! They’re both dead! Wow... I never saw that plot twist coming.

Doctor: Neither did they. I knew I should have checked the time.

Jamie: But you already did that. You just told us what the date is.

Doctor: I know. This is the same day Ben and Polly first joined me. And it’s also the same day I beat WOTAN and THE WAR MACHINES.

Jamie: Yes, yes... I know all that. What’s your point?

Doctor: My point is I forgot to check what time of day it is... And whether or not I have in fact done that yet.

 

[ant-mac]

THE EVIL OF THE DALEKS - 01

Dalek Emperor: Did you implant the Human factor into the three Daleks I chose for the procedure?

Doctor 02: Er... Yes. Sort of. But I’m not quite sure you’ll get the result you were hoping for.

Alpha: Are we Human yet? Are we Human yet? Are we Human yet?

Beta: Emperor! Dalek Omega will not stop picking on me! Make him stop! He is a great big stinky bully!

Omega: I know you are, but what am I? You’re a big sissy! You’re a big sissy! You’re a big sissy! So stop being such a big sissy!

Beta: No! I do not want to! You cannot make me! You are not the boss of me!

Dalek Emperor: Silence! You must not fight in here! You must not fight in here! You are giving me a headache! Just wait until your mother gets home!

(Later, the surviving time travellers stand together, surveying the ruins of the once great Dalek city…)

Doctor 11: The final end…

Jamie: Of the Daleks?

Doctor 11: No, Jamie. I meant the Klingons. Hang on a moment... I’m in the wrong bloody Dalek story!

Jamie: What? But I thought...

Doctor 02: Well of course he meant the Daleks, you Scottish dipstick! Whom else would I be talking about at a time like this? He finally beat them! For all time!

Jamie: Huh? Do you mind using just one personal pronoun at a time? And what about DAY OF THE DALEKS? Or FRONTIER IN SPACE? Or PLANET OF THE DALEKS? Or DEATH TO THE DALEKS? Or GENESIS OF THE DALEKS? Or DESTINY OF THE DALEKS? Or THE FIVE DOCTORS? Or RESURRECTION OF THE DALEKS? Or REVELATION OF THE DALEKS? Or REMEMBRANCE OF THE DALEKS? Or DALEK? Or BAD WOLF? Or ARMY OF GHOSTS? Or DALEKS IN MANHATTAN? Or THE STOLEN EARTH?

Doctor 02: Well done, Jamie! Thank you for totally screwing up my moment of triumph. And for spoiling the big surprise for future TV viewers!

Jamie: Oops! Sorry... But as nearly all their TV stories give away the surprise in the title, just how could I screw it up for future TV viewers?

Doctor 02: Er... I’ll explain later.

Victoria: You always say that, Doctor, but you never do. You never tell us anything later. You say, “I’ll explain later”, but you don’t, do you?

Jamie: And as we’re back on Skaro, there’s a question I’ve been meaning to ask you. In THE DEAD PLANET, given that all the doors in the Dalek city were electrically powered, just how did the Thals manage to get out of there at the end of the final battle, after turning the power off?

Victoria: And while we’re at it, just why do the Daleks keep building prison cells containing beds, which is something they would never have a need for?

Doctor 02: Ah... Well you see, when I say that, what I mean is... Ah... Well you see, in the case of... Ah... Oh, just forget it! I’ll explain later...

 

[ant-mac]

THE TOMB OF THE CYBERMEN

Doctor 06: Where’s the Cyber Controller?

Cyber Controller: What? What the hell are you doing here?

Doctor 06: Well, this is the story set on Telos. And it takes place inside a tomb. And you get your arse kicked after a big fight. That means that this must be -

Cyber Controller: No. This is the other one. This isn’t ATTACK OF THE CYBERMEN.

Doctor 06: Oh... Then this must be the one where two of me get together to fight an old foe.

Doctor 02: No. This isn’t THE TWO DOCTORS either. But you had me worried for a moment. I thought you might be looking for a BBC Controller.

Doctor 06: Oh... So, is it just me, or does anyone else find that a lot of these stories are starting to feel the same? And why are you so worried about a BBC Controller?

Doctor 02: A Cyber Controller might be able to kill off a Doctor. But a BBC Controller can kill off DOCTOR WHO! And shut up before he hears you!

Doctor 06: Before who hears me? Michael Grade? You’re talking nonsense. He’s a BBC Controller. He’d never do anything to harm DOCTOR WHO. You can trust me on that. If I’m wrong, then may I be replaced by an evil little elf that looks like you. Or at least a substandard version for you. Eerie...

Doctor 02: You big fat fool! I meant Jon Pertwee! He’ll hear you! Do you want him turning up and ranting on and on about all his recurring cycles in DOCTOR WHO? Or are you having a Jon Pertwee moment yourself? Hmm? And if you insult me again, I’ll slap seven shades of piss out of you. Even if you are only the sixth Doctor.

Doctor 03: It’s all true, you nasty little man! Just watch DOCTOR WHO for long enough and you’ll start to spot the recurring plots, the recurring bad guys and the recurring cast members for yourself. So don’t try to tell me I’m making it all up...

Doctor 02: Oh crap! The prancing fop is back! But just what did you expect? After all, this is DOCTOR WHO, you know! Charles Dickens didn’t write this crap!

(Lara Croft abruptly appears from out of nowhere...)

Lara: Hi there! How’s it going?

Doctor 02: Huh? What do you want?

Lara: I’m just here to do a bit of tomb raiding...

Doctor 02: Fair enough. But first you’ll need to open those two big metal doors over there.

Lara: Thanks for the tip! I’ll be right back.

Doctor 02: Oh, I doubt it.

(Lara walks over to the pair of big metal doors and gets a fatal electric shock as soon as she touches them...)

Lara: You malcontented little midget! I’ll get you for this if it’s the last thing I do! Argh...!

Doctor 02: I find your comment shocking... Positively shocking. Oh my word! So it’s true... The bad guy really does have more fun than the good guy!

 

[ant-mac]

THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN

(The Doctor faces his old friend inside the inner sanctum in Detsen monastery.)

Doctor: High Lama...

Padmasambhava: Hi, Doctor!

Doctor: Ha, ha, ha... Very humorous. But that’s not quite what I meant when I said... Oh, forget it.

Padmasambhava: Exactly, Doctor! Forget about that for now. So, we meet again. Do you like my map with the model Yetis on it?

Doctor: Yes, it’s very nice. You must remind me to tell JN-T to use that idea again in THE FIVE DOCTORS.

Padmasambhava: Do you think DOCTOR WHO will last that long?

Doctor: You’re the one who is possessed by the Great Intelligence. So you tell me. And free Tibet, you Chinese... Er... You alien bastard!

Padmasambhava: Fair point. So is there anything else I can do for you?

Doctor: Well, you could shorten your name for a start. It’s a real mouthful to say and it's giving the Author a cramp.

Padmasambhava: What’s the matter? Hasn’t he ever heard of copy and paste? What’s wrong with him? The guy must be a complete fool!

Author: Hey! Watch it, Padmé! Although if I keep calling you that, I’ll probably end up with Darth Vader breathing down my neck. Not that he seems to do much else.

(Later, the Doctor, Jamie, Victoria and Edward Travers stand side by side, next to the TARDIS.)

Travers: I don’t know how much longer I can keep searching for the Yeti. I’ve spent SEVEN YEARS IN TIBET and the only abominable thing I’ve found is Brad Pitt!

Jamie: Doctor, do you think Travers will ever find THE ABOMINABLE SNOWMEN for real?

Doctor: He’s got about as much chance of doing that as the US army had of finding Weapons of Mass Destruction in Iraq.

Jamie: Oh... That is tough luck.

Doctor: But while we were in Tibet, I spoke to the High Lama and found out the secret to inner peace.

Victoria: What is it? Is it spiritual purity through meditation?

Doctor: You know, that’s what I would have said. But it seems the way to get inner peace is to finish all the things you start.

Victoria: Does that mean we’re going to have to do a sequel to this story?

Doctor: Um... Yeah. But that’s not what I meant. I’m going to look around the TARDIS to find all the things I’ve started but never finished. And before I leave the TARDIS for THE ICE WARRIORS, I’ve got lots of things to finish off. There’s that bottle of red wine. That bottle of white wine. That brandy. That scotch. That vodka. That cocaine. Those ecstasy pills. That bag of pot. That cheesecake. And those chocolates. But I know what you guys are thinking. Will all of that bring me inner peace? Well, who knows? And who cares? But it’s going to be a lot of fun finding out!

 

[ant-mac]

THE ICE WARRIORS

Varga: I am Varga! I am the leader of the Martian warriors. I am here to conquer Earth!

Clent: I am Clent. I am the leader of the Human scientists. Varga? Are you sure you’re not a nasty vegetal life form from Skaro? And are you an Ice Lord like Slaar?

Varga: No. You’re thinking of a Varga plant. And officially, there’s no such thing as an Ice Lord. It’s a fan myth. So, how do you plan to stop me, Leader Clench?

Clent: Uh-huh... But my name is Clent, not Clench! You make it sound like I’m anal! Oh well, at least we’ve now got proof there’s LIFE ON MARS. David Bowie will be pleased. And I thought I would appeal to the Vulcan logic of Lieutenant Tuvok to help me stop you. And to bring peace between we Humans and you Martians.

Varga: Lieutenant Tuvok? We don’t have a Lieutenant Tuvok on our crew. You’re thinking of Turoc. And would I imply that you’re anal?

Clent: Oh, no. Of course you wouldn’t. But I can see that things won’t be as easy as I’d hoped. And I guess there’s no Marvin the Martian in there either, is there?

(Later, Varga talks to his squad of Martian warriors inside their spaceship, which is trapped inside an ice glacier.)

Varga: Now, I don’t want to be thought a bully or a tyrant, but there are a few things I want to clear up with the rest of you.

Zondal: You’ve no reason to worry, Commander. You’ll always be MY FAVOURITE MARTIAN.

Varga: First... When I make a video message for the Humans, I’m trying to scare the crap out of them. So, while I’m on air, don’t go skating about in the ice cave behind me. It will just undermine the threats I make. We’re supposed to be Ice Warriors - not ice skaters!

Rintan: What if we all wore disguises to make us look like Tonya Harding? Would that make the Humans think twice about messing with us?

Varga: Second... Whoever’s been spreading the rumour about that I screw polar bears is nothing but a filthy liar. That polar bear backed into me while I was relieving myself at the edge of the ice glacier. What’s more, it was just begging for it.

Isbur: Of course, Commander. If you say so. So, just how much can a polar bear bear, Commander?

Varga: Third... Wolves are just supposed to be a source of food. The old excuse of saying the wolf backed into you while you were relieving yourself at the edge of the ice glacier is no longer allowed. Of course, when it comes to polar bears, this is still a grey area.

Zondal: Yes, Commander. But it wasn’t my fault! It was a BAD WOLF. It was a very BAD WOLF.

Varga: Fourth... Our sonic guns are supposed to be our weapons. They should be used to DESTROY ALL HUMANS! They should be used to mete out death and destruction, not delight. They’re not the same as Reacting Vibrators or sonic screwdrivers!

Rintan: Yes, Commander. If you say so. But they’ve got three power settings on them.

Varga: And last... I’ve heard there might be Humans in disguise in our ranks. They want to spy on us to find out about our plans. Hence, I want to set up security patrols to look for them. The first patrol will consist of Rintan, Isbur and Jamie.

Clent: And are you quite sure you’re not a nasty vegetal life form from Skaro? Because you seem to be about as smart as one...