TRANSCRIPTION Catweazle s02 e11 - The Battle Of The Giants( the doublè entendre episode)

[michaellevenson]

Note- 15/4/22 -improved transcript for this episode, new piccies added, for which is probably the 2nd best episode of series, after final episode of course, IMO


Background- Catweazle, a magician of the black arts escapes from the Norman invaders of England in 1066 by jumping into a lake, and miraculously time travels to present day England.
Series 1 Catweazle is befriended by a young lad living on a farm with his dad. In series 2 Catweazle back in 1066 escapes again from the dreaded Normans by again jumping into water, this time a moat of a castle, and time travels again to England. He is near the castle as it is now, a stately home inhabited by Lord and Lady Collingford and their son Cedric a boy of 13 years. Cedric befriends him. Now read on.

 

[michaellevenson]

In the disused railway station Duck Halt, home of Catweazle, he is not feeling too well. Huddled around a bubbling cauldron and sniffing, poor Catweazle has a cold.
Cedric, son of Lord and Lady Collingford is there , on the floor in a circle are ten objects , examples of ten of the signs of the zodiac that Catweazle has collected. Catweazle believes if he collects all 12 then the mysterious 13th sign he will fly like a bird. He believes this because of the " flying spell" that he translated, written on a wall of a priest hole at King's Farthing, home of the Collingfords, accessed through Cedric's bedroom ,written by Cedric's great grandfather in an ancient language. Cedric recites it,
Cd" twelve are they that circle round, if power you seek they must be found, look for where the Thirteenth lies, mount aloft the one who flies. Where will you find aquarius Catweazle?"
C ( sniffing)" Owlface, hold thou the open book"
Cedric picks up a book,
Cd " any ideas on the thirteenth sign?"
Catweazle shakes his head as he tries to read the book Cedric is holding up for him.
C " turn it, it is upside down "
Cd " sorry"

The book full of symbols in an ancient language is Catweazle's spells book , he studies a page and like following a recipe has a collection of ingredients in his hand.
Catweazle places objects into the cauldron as he names them;
C " toadflax, garlic, rue and yarrow, warm me to the very marrow "
Cd " you're not going to drink that!?"
C " cobwebs, soot and three small stones, (plopping in three stones), take this fever from my bones"
Cd " I'll get you proper medicine if you like "
C " nay it is done"
Catweazle picks up a wooden stirrer saying ,
C " yan, tan tethera "
Cd " what are you doing?"
C " I must stir the potion "
Cd " for how long?"
C " 9000 times.....widdershins *"
Cd " you'll never do it"
C " I must or it will not be fit to drink"
Cd " you'll be stirring for days, and you ought to be in bed"
C " aye"
Cd " wait , there's something in the house that can do that much quicker, a sort of magic stirrer "
C " electrickery?"
Cedric nods and smiles.
* counterclockwise
Geoffrey Bayldon is Catweazle.

 

[michaellevenson]

Lord and Lady Collingford are in their greenhouse tending the plants. Lord Collingford is more interested in a marrow that he has grown, he looks at it longingly, then measures it with a tape measure. A furrow crosses his brow, he's concerned with a marrow his gardener and handyman Groome is growing too.
LC " I think it must be that special fertiliser he's using, I'm worried Dotty"
LyC " fancy getting up at 3 in the morning to wrap the wretched thing in plastic "
LC " mine is pretty big though "
LyC " this horticultural war between you and Groome is becoming ridiculous "
* note- this episode could be subtitled ' spot the double entendres '
Moray Watson is Lord Collingford ( Charles). Elspeth Gray is Lady Collingford (Dotty)

 

[michaellevenson]

In the kitchen at King's Farthing, Groome the handyman is at the sink with a black bucket of dark liquid, his special fertiliser. Mavis Gowdy the housekeeper is there too preparing food for the Elderford garden fete, to be held in the grounds of King's Farthing.
MG " Mr Groome will you please take that horrible stuff outside "
Gr " what d'you mean horrible stuff, this is my special marrow fertiliser, won me first prize last year......don't suppose you'd be interested in my marrow Mavis, would you?"
MG " I thought you were supposed to be setting up the marquee"
Gr " it's up, anyway I'm going to win first prize this year. Mavis you wait until you see it, it's really beautiful, every inch a champion. His Lordship doesn't stand a chance"
Gary Warren is Cedric.

 

[michaellevenson]

Back in the greenhouse,
LC " colour is very good"
LyC " anyone would think the entire Elderford show revolves around the marrow competition "
LC " no blemishes anywhere "
LyC " thank heavens it'll be decided one way or the other today"
LC (lifting up marrow) " I wonder how much mine weighs "
Dotty rolls her eyes up and leaves Charles to his silly marrow obsession.

 

[michaellevenson]

In the kitchen Groome is in the pantry secretly eating one of Mrs Gowdy's scones when in creeps Cedric, black bucket in hand with Catweazle's potion in it. He puts bucket on worktop and picks up electric cake mixer. Groome sneaks up behind him.

Gr " here, what are you up to?"
Cd " I'm mixing something "
Gr " you shouldn't be using that mixer "
Cd " only for a minute "
Gr " what is it?"
Cd " erm...an experiment "
Gr " not fertiliser is it"
Cd " oh no."
Gr " how's his Lordship's marrow?"
Cd " it's enormous, how's yours "
Gr " bigger than his"
Cedric starts mixing, then horror, footsteps are heard, Cedric passes the mixer to Groome just as Mrs Gowdy returns.
MG ( shouts) " Mr Groome HOW DARE YOU. My cake mixer covered in fertiliser, GET OUT of my kitchen and take this with you."
She hands Groome a bucket.
MG " and you too Cedric "
Cedric and Groome leave pronto.
MG " marrows indeed, they're all marrow mad"
Peter Butterworth is Groome. Gwen Nelson is Mavis Gowdy

 

[michaellevenson]

Catweazle is on the ground sitting by a tree about 200 yards from the mansion, Cedric arrives with the bucket.
C " has thou brought the magic stirrer"
Cd " don't be silly, where would I plug it in"
C " plug it in!?"
Cd " I've mixed the potion for you"

Catweazle has a red mug , he helps himself to some potion , meanwhile Groome is in his own small greenhouse holding a sponge that he dips into his bucket and then wrings it out onto his marrow. He sniffs, and smells the bucket something is wrong.
Catweazle spits out the potion in disgust.
C " thou four eyed ferret "
Cd " I knew it would taste bad, look at all the stuff you put in it "
C ( angry)" WHERE IS MY POTION?"
Cd " here"
C " thou noseless fox, can thou not smell"
Cedric sniffs bucket.
Cd " crumbs, we've got the wrong bucket!!...come on.."
They run to Groome's greenhouse. Groome has gone, they enter greenhouse. Cedric stares at marrow, it's grown, its FOUR feet long. Catweazle sees his bucket and dips his red mug into potion and drinks.
C " ah...tis good"
Cd " look Catweazle, the marrow, what's happened, it was big this morning but not this big"
C " it is a potent potion indeed"
Cd " but not on marrows surely "
C " toadflax, garlic rue and yarrow warm me to the very marrow, remember "
Cd " it's crazy, this isn't bone marrow it's vegetable marrow "
C " perhaps, but magic is magic "
Cd " listen Catweazle there's only one thing we can do, balance things up, put some of this on Dad's."
They leave greenhouse, moments later Groome returns and enters. He stares at marrow, rubs his eyes, and stares again.
Gr (shouts in panic) " MAVIS.....MAVIS" , and runs out.

 

[michaellevenson]

In the grounds of King's Farthing everything is ready for the fete, tents are up, stalls are laid out, food and games stalls, everything for a fun afternoon at a country village fete. Catweazle is puzzled by a table with food on it , the food on plates are hot dogs. Catweazle picks one up, and then reads the sign pinned to the table. Cedric has taught him rudimentary reading. Cedric arrives.
C " Owlface....it says hot dogs!?"
Cd " yes that's right well done "
C " hot dogs?!!"
Cd " to eat.."
C " urgh!!" Catweazle throws hot dog away.

In kitchen Groome runs in,
Gr" Mavis..my marrow.....it's four feet long , FOUR feet I tell you I've been singled out"
MG " yes, of course it is ...er sit down Henry I'll make you a nice cup of tea"
Gr " never seen anything like it , must be the biggest in the world. ( shouts) AND IT'S MINE, ALL MINE. Must go and see if it's okay"
Groome runs out arms waving shouting.
Gr " four foot long , four foot long"
MG ( scoffing) " ha ! four feet long indeed"

 

[michaellevenson]

In the main greenhouse Cedric is ready to pour potion on his father's marrow.
Cd " sure you can spare it"
C " take it my brother I am well again. It is a good potion, I have made it many times "
Cd " when?"
C " 900 years ago "
Cd " erm..yes I know, okay here goes"
Cedric starts pouring,
Cd " keep your fingers crossed "


Dotty and Charles meet near the marquee
LC " I think I'll leave mine to the last minute until cutting it, they can grow even on the last day"
Dotty is not really listening but looking at a clipboard making sure everything is ready for the fete.
LyC " yes dear..very interesting.....when is Archie coming to judge the vegetables?"
LC " five"
LyC " hang on, he's doing the tomatoes at four thirty. Really Charles there are other things besides marrows "

 

[michaellevenson]

Groome has arrived back at his greenhouse,
Gr "....four foot long....four foot long"
But it isn't anymore, it's BIGGER and smashing it's way out of the greenhouse.


Lord Collingford arrives at his greenhouse, the same thing, he stares at his marrow it's 6 feet long.

Groome runs into kitchen.
Gr " 6 feet long Mavis, it's 6 feet long"
MG " you said four"
Gr " that was an hour ago!"
Groome looks distressed ,it's getting a bit too much to take in.
MG " pull yourself together Henry, you're letting this marrow thing get on top of you"
Gr " it's a judgement from on high, that's what it is , ( blubbering) where will it end "

Groome leaves muttering to himself as Dotty enters.
LyC " what's the matter with Groome "
MG " it's his marrow m' lady "
LyC " is that all"
MG " it's very serious, he's obsessed with the idea it's 6 feet long, and he believes it "
LyC " it's utterly ridiculous, they've got marrows on the brain"
Charles enters looking anxious,
LC " Dotty darling, can I have a word in private. It's about my marrow "

 

[michaellevenson]

Back at Lord Collingford's greenhouse the marrow like Groome's has smashed a window as it grows. Cedric and Catweazle look on.

Cd " you've got to stop it!"
C " stop it?!"
Cd " how big is it going to get?"
C " nay brother I know not"
Cd " it's running amok, Catweazle you've got to do something!"
C " aye Owlface, I must make more potion "
Cd " what d'you want more potion for"
C " can thou not guess"
Cd " no"
C " the food I love most "
Cd " not bananas?!"
C ( joyfully)" YES BANANAS, MIGHTY BANANAS"
Catweazle runs off,
C " great bananas.....bananas..."

 

[michaellevenson]

At the fete a van parks on the field near the marquee, the sign on the side of the van says GOODWINS NURSERIES, proprietor Archie Goodwin. Archie gets out, opens the back of his van and takes out a wooden crate full of vegetables , he sees Cedric.
Ar " hello Cedric old boy, where's your dad, don't tell me , I expect he's busy."
Cd " yes Mr Goodwin "
Ar " take these in the kitchen dear boy, and mind the marrow"
There's a marrow among Archie's vegetables that he has grown.
Ar " bet you won't see one like that this afternoon "
Cedric leaves and Lord Collingford greets Archie.
LC " glad you could make it Archie"
Ar " I always do don't I , how's your marrow?"
LC " dreadful "
Ar " sorry to hear that, so you won't enter it then?"
LC " enter it?"
Ar " for the competition "
LC " no I can't, it's far too big"
Ar " too big!?"
LC " 10 feet long and 4 feet thick!"
Arthur Lovegrove is Archie Goodwin.

 

[michaellevenson]

At Duck Halt, Catweazle has brewed up another cauldron of potion, he has a bunch of bananas tied to a pole, he dips them in saying.
C " bananas bananas...grow mighty bananas "
Groome turns up at the fete, looking concerned as Archie approaches him still chuckling from his encounter with Charles
Ar " good afternoon Mr Groome how's YOUR marrow?"
Gr " you wouldn't believe me"
Ar ( laughing) " you can't catch me with that one, it's 10 feet long and coming out of the greenhouse!.... "

 

[michaellevenson]

Lord Collingford and Groome meet halfway between their greenhouses.
Gr " I have something to tell you your Lordship "
LC " go ahead Groome "
Gr " it's about my marrow "
LC " go on"
Gr" it's 10 feet long"
LC " so is mine!!"
They march off to Groome's greenhouse.

The marrow doesn't seem to have grown any more.
Gr " I think it's stopped growing "
LC " thank heaven for that, hopefully mine has too."
Gr " on the other hand it might just be resting "
LC " we can't risk it Groome, we must be ruthless"
Gr " ruthless my Lord?"
LC " we must chop them up and throw them in the moat "
Gr " if you say so my Lord "
Suddenly they hear a bubbling burbling noise, the marrow has shrunk to half it's size. Groome runs into the greenhouse and picks up a knife.
Gr " ten minutes to judging time "
LC " what are you doing?"
Gr " cutting the root, might stop it shrinking "
LC " what about mine"
Gr " you better get back to your own one my Lord , competition isn't over yet"
LC ( shaking fist)" GROOME ...why you...."

 

[michaellevenson]

In the main marquee Archie is judging the tomatoes, holding a tomato in each hand, he addresses the winner of this particular competition, an old lady.
Ar " a very high standard , you obviously buy your tomato plants at Goodwin's Nurseries "
Lady Collingford, Cedric and Mrs Gowdy watch on among the audience who applaud the proceedings.
LyC ( to Cedric) " if your father doesn't hurry up it'll be over before he gets here "

Ar " and now the marrows "
Archie moves over to a table full of marrows, he pats his own one proudly, the largest one on the table. Cedric jaw drops in surprise as he notices what the winner of this competition gets. It's a porcelain statue, about two foot high, he runs out of the marquee.
Meanwhile Charles has arrived at his greenhouse, his marrow is much smaller now too.
LC " great scott, mine has shrunk more than his"
He gets a knife and starts cutting the root.

Back at Duck Halt in the waiting room that is his home Catweazle removes the bananas from the cauldron, they haven't grown. Sadly he addresses Touchwood his toad.
C " nay Touchwood, I have not the spirit of electrickery , the magic wand to stir 9000 times. No great bananas, twas but another dream. Nothing works, nothing works doth it Touchwood "

 

[michaellevenson]

In the marquee Archie is about to proclaim his marrow as the winner, when in walks Charles and Groome carrying their marrows. They are still large, but now about 2 feet long only. They place them on the table, Archie looking a bit sullen, he is not going to win , measures the two marrows.

LyC ( whispers)" they don't look 6 feet to me Mavis"
MG " men always exaggerate m'lady "
Archie finishes his measuring,
Ar " it's a tie I'm afraid "
Cedric enters,
Cd " just a minute Mr Goodwin "
He has been secretly growing a marrow too, he places it on table.
Archie measures the marrow, leans towards Cedric and gives him a warm smile and a wink.
Ar " well done my boy, you're the winner , I couldn't have grown a better one myself "
Charles and Dotty smile proudly at their son, Groome the old curmudgeon not too happy.

 

[michaellevenson]

At Duck Halt Cedric enters carrying the first prize wrapped in a cloth , he places it down. Catweazle is feeling grumpy, sitting reading one of his magic books.
Cd " hello"
C " did you bring the magic stirrer?"
Cd " no sorry, the marrows have shrunk anyway so it wouldn't have worked "
C ( angry) " nothing works, nothing ever works, nothing will ever work , it is all folly"
Cd "yes...you're well again that's the main thing. I've brought you a present "
Catweazle in a right huff ignores him.
Cd " look Catweazle what's more important, giant bananas or the flying spell!?"
C " flying thy gowk"- (old English foolish person)
Cd " then what about the sign of aquarius "
Cedric removes the cloth from the porcelain statue. It is a child in traditional Greek style design with an urn on his shoulder.


C " the water carrier! You are indeed a great magician. Thy power is greater than mine"
Cd " don't be silly, you're much better than I am. I just got lucky that's all."
C " it is for me?"
Cd " of course, I won it"
C " huh?"
Cd " in a marrow competition!!"


Cedric and Catweazle stare at each other then realise the extraordinary link between recent events, marrows, potion and Aquarius, the sign Catweazle needed. They burst out in fits of laughter.
Both Cd and C " "
THE END
Next episode

Scene by scene -Catweazle- THE FINALE part 1- s02e12 - The Magic Circle

Background- Catweazle, a magician of the black arts escapes from the Norman invaders of England in 1066 by jumping into a lake, and miraculously time travels to present day England. Series 1 Catweazle is befriended by a young lad living on a farm with his dad. In series 2 Catweazle back in 1066...

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