Toast Of London-Episode Guide

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Hilarious comedy with Matt Berry playing Steven Toast , an actor, who isn't exactly successful. Full of madcap characters. Appearances by Louise Jameson, Paul Darrow Peter Davison among others.
1. Addictive Personality
Actor Steven Toast is informed by agent Jane Plough that Braz magazine have awarded him a Best Actor award. As a result he is interviewed by journalist Susan Random, to whom he is attracted, despite her being an alcoholic and extreme hoarder, whose house is full of junk. He is also pursued by Jemima Gina, who wears an electronic tag after being found guilty of trying to murder her boyfriend and who follows him to Susan's house. Both women discover that they like collecting beaks but the romance is killed for Steven. House-mate Ed is hosting a Nigerian girl-friend Kikini, though, as a result of deliberately botched plastic surgery by Ray Purchase, a rogue cosmetician and ex-actor rival to Toast, she looks just like Bruce Forsyth. Thus, when Steven learns that the award is actually for Worst Actor, who better to send along in his stead to collect it than 'Bruce' himself?

 

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2. Afternoon Tea
After yet another appalling review Steven rehearses for a new play but encounters a double obstacle. One is the presence of the vengeful Ray Purchase as co-star, the other the fact that the director, Acker Herron, is a lunatic who kills actors who will not obey him. Indeed Steven finds himself literally taking part in a life and death duel with Herron - which he is lucky to win. Afterwards he goes to a hotel to have 'afternoon tea' with an escort whom he has booked through an agency - only to discover that an old flame, TV producer Greta Cargo, is involved.

 

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3. Vanity Project
After his foul-mouthed ex-wife Ellen beats him up with a club on a mini-golf course Steven learns that she wants a hefty divorce settlement so it seems a gift when he is offered a part in the block-buster 'Prince Philip, Scoundrel Dog' directed by anti-Royalist rich Arab Mr Fasili. Jane thinks this is too controversial and suggests he does a laxative ad instead but Steven is not keen. However, when Mr Fasili dies before paying him Steven is all set to become the face of Lax-A-Daisy, until he finds out what happened to the last actor to do this.

 

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4. Submission
Having recorded voice-overs for use on new navy submarine the 'Penetrator', Toast, who has a penchant for ladies in uniform, is delighted when Commander Scott-Gorham, the woman officer in charge, invites him to its launch. Together they overpower mad vice-commander Hopkinson-Finch, who claims that he was abducted by aliens who have programmed him to launch a nuclear strike on America and end up with a date in the offing. This does not sit well with Steven's current girlfriend Portia de Coogan, daughter of Defence Minister Lord Fotheringham but then his lordship gets arrested at the launch for sexual offences from his days as a Radio One disc jockey.

 

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5. The End
Link to transcription of this episode.

Review - Toast Of London s01e05 The End

Background: Steven Toast , an actor, and not a very good one desperately continues to look for work. His agent is the neurotic Jane Plough, he resides as a lodger with fellow actor Ed Howser- Black and often has to do voice over work in the nearby Scramble Studios, close to his home in central...

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Tired of voice-overs and the awful play Steven writes an erotic novel - as Paloma Toast - and new agent Brooke Hooberman secures a deal with publisher Yvonne Wryly to take it. Unfortunately it lacks an ending though when Steven devises one Yvonne derides it, whereupon life rather grotesquely mirrors art. At the same time Steven has sex with bar pick-up Kate Khan in the presence of her supposedly blind aunt but when he is approached to make a porn movie it turns out that the aunt was actually filming him with Kate. In the event neither of his alternative new careers come to fruition and he is back with Jane Plough and the awful play.

 

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6. Bonus Ball - with Michael Ball
After failing to become the screen's next James Bond Steven loses twenty thousand pounds to Andrew Lloyd Webber in a poker game and is pursued by Lloyd Webber's recovery man Michael Ball though finding time to dub a gay German porn film with Ray Purchase - not very well. Having escaped Purchase, who has caught him in bed with his wife again, Steven flees from Michael Ball, ending up on a stage in a small theatrical production where Purchase inadvertently saves him from Ball. Critics and audiences however love what they see and Steven is declared a hit at last.

 

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Series 2 7. Match Fit ( with Louise Jameson)
Reduced to recording 'Mind the Gap' for Boris Johnson and playing Charles Dickens on a sight-seeing bus tour with a single, stroppy passenger Steven is happy to enter the River Rats' Celebrities and Prostitutes blow football charity match. Whilst Mrs Purchase happily has sex with him as her husband sleeps she cannot partner Steven as she will be playing alongside Ray and points Steven towards the experienced Wendy Nook. The final is between Steven and Wendy and the Purchases and it looks as if Steven is going to lose until Ralph Fiennes makes an important announcement which changes everything.

 

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8. Desperate Measures with Paul Darrow
Fed up with voice-overs Steven turns down a children's show - recalling an awkward moment in the past - and falls out with a gun-toting director. After Purchase has ratted on him to the tax people he agrees to helm the stage version of 'Calendar Girls' after the director has supposedly died. His aggressive attitude toward the female cast gets him sacked and there is worse to come when one of them offers him a lift home. The only way to pay off the bill is to travel to the Congo to advertise Red Carpet cigarettes.

 

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9. The Moose Trap with Peter Davison
Over-tired after recording an all night voice-over session of SatNav for the Elderly, Steven goes on radio's 'Woman's Hour' to discuss his role as Inspector Attenborough in Anthea Crippen's long-running play 'The Moose Trap.' Sadly, he reveals the name of the murderer, and is universally shunned when the play is forced to close. He is optimistic when soldier brother Blair suggests he audition as the announcer on 'University Challenge,' but after he has caused Jeremy Paxman to fall out of a window, the job goes to Ray Purchase.

 

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10. High Winds Actor (with Peter Davison)
When Steven's friend Axel Jacklin, Britain's best actor at performing in front of a wind machine, dies Steven's agent Jane puts him up for the leading role in a period maritime drama and he proves that he can withstand the machine. However he must be a Freemason to secure the part and makes a hurried trip to the East End to buy his way into the initiation ceremony. He is duly accepted but unfortunately one of the masons officiating is Ray Purchase, who ensures that everybody knows Steven only joined to get the part and loses it for him.

 

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11. Buried Alive
After discovering that ex-wife Ellen is to marry potato crisps magnate Sterling Porrich Steven gets a role in a Hollywood blockbuster alongside crazy super-star Max Gland. However the role involves him being buried alive and he is left underground when the crew disappears. Thanks to his wonderful new phone he is able to record a voice-over for Porrich's crisps long distance and, after being rescued as a result of fracking, takes suitable revenge on his rival.

 

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12. Fool In Love
Toast finds himself having to move out from his digs while Ed's niece, Honeysuckle, comes to stay. Honeysuckle has come down to get homeopathy treatment for an allergy which is more close to demonic possession. Toast also learns the love of his life and the woman that broke his heart is back in town appearing in a west end show. While moving out of Ed's to stay with Francis Bacon "I thought he was dead?", Toast bumps into her and they look like they might get back together or is there another reason that she is plotting and will she only break Toast's heart again. And will Ed's niece be cured or saved by the home visit of Alan, the homeopathy geezer.

 

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Series 3. 13. Over The Moon
After disclosing in a television interview that the moon landing was a fake directed by Stanley Kubrick Steven is shadowed by a CIA gunman. Things get worse as he is sacked from his voice-over work and, racked by nerves during a live streaming of 'Macbeth' he chains himself to a pillar throughout his title performance though this is hailed critically as a brave interpretation. And, with the CIA still in pursuit, he has reason to be glad he got fired.

 

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14. Beauty Calls with Peter Davison
Steven is introduced to Clancy Moped, a TV weather girl who is passionate about weather and feminism. She actually falls in love with him but the romance ends abruptly when she and other feminists invade a beauty contest Steven is judging. There is little comfort back at the flat due to new house-mate Peter Davison and his foul-mouthed girlfriend who insist on making their own wine.


Clip with Peter Davison.

 

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15. Hamm On Toast
After falling downstairs a severely concussed Steven becomes smitten with visiting American actor Jon Hamm, ignoring the adoring starlet Pooky Hook. Steven even takes Hamm to visit his dying father Colonel Gonville Toast who is about to announce his beneficiaries, though there is something of an upset before Steven regains his old self.

 

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16. Bob A Job
Believing that it could lead to a Hollywood career Steven reluctantly agrees to do the Royal Variety Show, hosted by Bob Monkhouse - who is not dead but has a zombie wife and whose jokes Steven fails to understand. Steven's rendition of the Sand Dance partnered by Ray Purchase is a hit but chances of Hollywood success disappear due to an unsuitable gift for the Prince of Wales, not to mention being responsible for killing Bob Monkhouse.

 

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17. Man Of Sex
When veteran actor Ormond Sacker's drinking forces him to drop out of the play 'Man of Sex' Steven is dismayed that Ray Purchase's albino twin Bill takes over the role as Bill is forever playing cruel pranks on Steven onstage and, were it not for Steven's new girlfriend, percussionist Varrity Mapp, and her expertise at drumming, one of them could have killed him. Nor does the publication of ex-wife Ellen's autobiography aid his speedy recovery.

 

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18. Global Warming
Annoyed never to have played at the Globe Theatre Steven hesitantly agrees to perform in the controversial director Daz Klondyke's revolutionary new production of 'Twelfth Night' alongside the non-professional Kyle and a cast of dogs. On opening night the dogs have yet to learn their lines and Klondyke foresees disaster. Fortunately Steven has a solution, since much of the Globe is made of the highly flammable blue spruce. Unfortunately the acting community condemns this show of vandalism and, after being fined by the P.C. police, there is nothing left for Steven professionally except to join Ed in his latest porn film.

 

[michaellevenson]

Series 4 Toast of Tinseltown
I. Anger Man
After a successful visit to an anger management centre, Toast is a new man and sets about apologising to all the people he's been rude to. However, when he reveals the extent of his wrongdoing to Purchase, the pair come face to face at the Colonial Club.





2. LA Story
Toast gets offered his first part in a major Hollywood film, but must he get through the increasingly bizarre auditions.

3. The Scorecard
Russ Nightlife is far from pleased that Toast is going on a date with glamorous sexologist, Shepherd Gerbil, but Toast is smitten despite her rather clinical lovemaking.

 

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4. Doctor Grainger
After attending a 'doctor acting' masterclass by Richard Chickentoss, Toast lands the role of a doctor in a successful hospital soap alongside Latina singing sensation, Carmen.


5. Death Valley
Toast has been signed up to star in a Western. However, after a very bumpy trailer ride Toast finds himself marooned in the desert and no sign of anybody else from the crew.


6. Monster Mash
Toast is looking forward to being on the set of the new Star Wars movie but things soon become complicated when he is kidnapped by two inept criminals.