Act II
Sir Robin and his minstrels follow King Arthur and Patsy into a "dark and very expensive forest" (Arthur later says they're in a "Dark and
extremely expensive forest), where they are separated. King Arthur meets the terrifying but silly
Knights who say Ni, who demand a
shrubbery. King Arthur despairs of finding one, but Patsy cheers him up
("Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life") and they find a shrubbery shortly after.
Sir Robin, after wandering the forest for some time with his minstrels
("Brave Sir Robin"), encounters
The Black Knight, who scares him off, but King Arthur, who happens on the scene, more or less defeats him by cutting off both his arms and legs, impaling his still-alive torso on a door, and leaving to give the Knights their shrubbery. The Knights accept it, but next demand that King Arthur put on a musical and bring it to Broadway (in the
United Kingdom, this became a
West End musical; on the tour, they must put on a "Broadway musical"), implying that it need only be Broadway-style, "but not an
Andrew Lloyd Webber". The mere mention of his name causes everyone to cover their ears and scream in pain. Sir Robin, who has found Arthur by this point, insists that it would be impossible for them to accomplish this next task, since you need
Jews for a successful Broadway (or West End) musical
("You Won't Succeed On Broadway"), and proves his point in a wild production number filled with
Fiddler on the Roof parodies, including a bottle dance with Grails instead of bottles. King Arthur and Patsy promptly set off in search of Jews.
(In countries that don't have a tradition of Jews in the theatre, the lyrics of
"You Won't Succeed on Broadway" are sometimes changed to instead describe the high production standards and acting talent needed to stage a successful musical in that country. For example, in the
South Korean version, Sir Robin sings about recent successful musicals that were staged in
Seoul during the previous decade. Meanwhile, members of the ensemble appear onstage dressed as various characters from those musicals. Among these characters are a cat from
Cats, Kenickie from
Grease, Kim from
Miss Saigon,
The Phantom from
The Phantom of the Opera, and
Velma Kelly from
Chicago. As with the original version of the song, Sir Robin and the entire ensemble end the number with a song and dance routine.)
While the Lady Of The Lake laments her lack of stage time
("Whatever Happened To My Part?"), Sir Lancelot receives a letter from what he assumes is a young damsel in distress. He is very surprised to find that the "damsel" is actually an effeminate young man named Prince Herbert
("Where Are You?"/"Here Are You") whose overbearing, music-hating father, the King of Swamp Castle, is forcing him into an arranged marriage. As Herbert is asking Lancelot to help him escape, the King of Swamp Castle cuts the rope that he is using to climb out of the window, and Herbert falls to his apparent death. Lancelot is a bit puzzled at the king's actions, but it is revealed that Herbert was saved at the last minute by Lancelot's sidekick, Concorde. The King asks his son how he was saved, exactly, to which Herbert replies happily with a song. But the king charges at his son with a spear, preparing to kill him. Lancelot steps in to save him, then gives a tearful, heartfelt speech about sensitivity to the king on Herbert's behalf, and Lancelot is
outed as a
homosexual in the process, an announcement celebrated in a wild disco number
("His Name is Lancelot").
King Arthur begins to give up hope of ever putting on the Broadway musical and laments that he is alone, even though Patsy has been with him the entire time
("I'm All Alone"). The Lady Of The Lake appears and tells Arthur that he and the Knights have been in a Broadway musical all along (in some productions she also points out Patsy's presence, to which Arthur claims that he sees Patsy as "family" and thus doesn't always consider him a separate person). Patsy also reveals he is half Jewish, but didn't want to say anything to Arthur because "that's not really the sort of thing you say to a heavily armed
Christian." All that's left is for King Arthur to find the Grail and marry someone. After picking up on some not-too-subtle hints, Arthur decides to marry the Lady Of The Lake after he finds the Grail
("Twice in Every Show").
Reunited with his Knights, Arthur meets Tim the Enchanter who warns them of the danger of a
killer rabbit. When the rabbit bites a knight's head off, Arthur uses the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch against it, knocking down a nearby hill and revealing that the "evil rabbit" was actually a puppet controlled by a surprised puppeteer. A large stone block showing a combination of letters and numbers is also revealed. (The letters are based on the seat numbering system used by each theatre. They are changed from performance to performance to discourage audience members from intentionally booking any of the possible seats. The seat is typically on the aisle in one of the first few rows nearest the orchestra. In the Broadway production and on the tour it is either A101, B101, C101 or D101; i.e., Seat 101 – which is
house right of the center aisle – of Rows A, B, C, or D.
[2] In the West End Production a word is revealed – DONE, CONE or BONE, referring to D1, C1 and B1 respectively.) After pondering the final clue, Arthur admits that they're "a bit stumped with the clue thing" and asks God to "give them a hand". A large hand points to the audience and Arthur realises that the letters and numbers refer to a seat number in the audience. The grail is "found" (with some sleight of hand) under the seat and the person sitting in the seat is rewarded with a small trophy and a
polaroid photo.
("The Holy Grail"). Arthur marries the Lady of the Lake, who reveals that her name is
Guinevere; Lancelot marries Herbert (who finally has a chance to sing); and Sir Robin decides to pursue a career in
musical theatre. Herbert's father attempts to interrupt the finale and stop all of the "bloody singing", but is hit over the head with a shovel by Lancelot, a nod to "He is Not Yet Dead".
("Act 2 Finale/Always Look on the Bright Side of Life (Company Bow)").
The overall duration of the show is about two hours plus interval time.