Scene by scene Catweazle s02e10 - The Walking Trees

[michaellevenson]

Cedric is on the platform of Duck Halt, the disused railway station that is home to Catweazle. He is about to enter waiting room when he hears shouts from inside. He opens the door ajar and peers in. Catweazle is in a rage, throwing things across the room, kicking stuff around, in a foul temper.
C " MALEDICTIONES SPIRITUUM, MALEDICTIONES ZODIACI!"
Cd " Catweazle?"
C ( shouts) " curses blind me, curse the zodiac."
Cd " Catweazle stop it"
C " I CANNOT FIND IT, WHY CAN I NOT FIND IT? I have looked everywhere, raised spirits raised demons, NOTHING WORKS "
Cd " don't be so childish "
C " Cross me NOT!"
Cd " behave yourself Catweazle "
C " STINKWEED"
Cd " it's not my fault you can't find Capricorn "
C " the sign of the goat thy itch"
Cd " alright then the sign of the goat. It's silly to give up now. And it's no good losing your temper is it?"
C " I'll never fly because I'll never find the 13 signs, it is all folly.
Catweazle finally calms down and sits.
Cd " you were doing so well"
C ( sighs) " oh that I had the divine egg"
Cd " divine egg?"
C " aye, the philosopher's stone the source of all power. Then I shall fly, find thy treasure, make gold and understand all things"
Cd " sounds pretty useful "
C " we of the secret path have searched for it since time was a baby"
Cd " no luck?"
C " trees will walk before it is found "
Cd " oh well, I'd look for the other signs if I were you "
C " thou art right Owlface "
Cd " feeling better?"
C " aye"
Cd " good, I've really come to warn you, don't go rummaging in the woods today, lie low"
C ( puzzled) " lie low?"
Cd " it's very complicated, they call it military exercises , with soldiers, keep out of sight"
C " aye my brother "
Cd " I'll see you tomorrow, good hunting "
Gary Warren is Cedric, Geoffrey Bayldon is Catweazle.

 

[michaellevenson]

At King's Farthing, home of the Collingfords, Cedric's dad, Lord Collingford and handyman Groome are both in military uniform in a room temporarily used as HQ for war games taking place in the woods. Both Charles and Groome are reservists.
The door of the room, usually the drawing room, opens and in walks Colonel Dickenson.
Col " hello Charles, everything ready?"
LC " yes I think so, have a look at the map. "
On the table is a huge map, of the woods, model soldiers on the map, model tanks, guns etc. Ready for War Games. Dickenson notices Groome.

Col " great scott, Groome isn't it?"
G " yes sir"
Col " at ease, with me in the desert weren't you, mentioned in despatches eh?"
G " er..yes sir"
Col " works for you does he Charles?"
LC " yes, runs the place, don't you Groome?"
G ( smiles) " yes my Lord "
An army field telephone rings, Charles answers.
LC " blue demon 1, valentine....good lad "
Lots of code spoken during these exercises.
LC " the umpires are ready Arnold"
Col " good I'll just pop down to see Jones. Better synchronise our watches "
All three, Groome too, checks watches.
Col " oh...darned thing has stopped , Groome are you Green or Blue Demon?"
Groome points to armband on his uniform sleeve, a green logo of a goat on a white background.
G " green demon sir "
Col " good man, come on"
Moray Watson is Lord Collingford , Peter Butterworth is Groome and John Welsh is Col Arnold Dickenson.

 

[michaellevenson]

In the woods a company of soldiers is set up, jeeps, lots of boxes of ammo, a temporary wooden hut is green demon Command Post.
Inside hut at desk Sergeant Jones on field phone.
J " green demon command Sergeant Jones. ..what's that....sea platoon..code name..(looks in codebook)..cat dog tortoise "
Colonel Dickenson enters, Jones stands to attention.
Col " sit down Sergeant Jones relax. Now then Jones for the purpose of exercise Capricorn I'm promoting you"
J " me sir?"
Col " yes, what d'you want to be? Make you a Major I suppose, got to encourage the part time soldier"
J " thank you sir"
Col " right you're in command here, let's synchronise watches ( checks watch)....darn things stopped again "
Tony Selby is Jones.

 

[michaellevenson]

Catweazle is in the woods looking for berries, when suddenly he gasps in astonishment, trees are walking!
Three trees, about 7 feet tall are slowly walking through the woods, one behind each other, but of course Catweazle can't see the small hole on the front side of each tree, air and viewing hole, for the soldiers inside these camouflage " tree" suits.

C " trees will walk and it be found! The stone, the philosopher's stone tis near"
Catweazle turns to tree next to him, a real tree naturally.
C " come O tree let us follow thy brothers "
Tree stubbornly remains still as Catweazle moves off!
C " art thou tired? Has thou come far ? Right, remain here, I will go"
Catweazle follows the three moving " trees".

 

[michaellevenson]

At HQ at King's Farthing, Dickenson and Charles sit at opposite ends of map table, both with field telephones at the ready, controlling the exercise.
LC ( phone) " map reference oblique 6 yes, 294, blue demon 1 to blue demon 6, code badger ferret water rat"
Col ( phone) " green demon 1...well pull them out Jones pull them out..code beaver rabbit ferret "
Both make adjustments on the map, moving the model soldiers accordingly.
Col " we've just wiped out blue demon sea patrol "
LC " we'll we've just taken the sewage farm"
Col " going jolly well you know Charles "

 

[michaellevenson]

Catweazle continues to follow trees through woods, keeping a distance, but in awe.
C " wondrous wondrous "
Sergeant, now Major Jones addresses men outside hut.
J " I want you to keep your eyes peeled for any suspicious looking civilians they could be blue demon spies intent on causing chaos and confusion. Right I'm issuing you lot with dummy grenades "
Jones opens box of grenades, views them puzzled,
J " wait a minute...wait a minute..who signed for these APB's...where's that docket "
Jones checks paper,
J " Mullery.....MULLERY!!"
M " sir"
J " you horrible man, you were told dummy grenades, ( shouts) THIS STUFF'S LIVE. The object of this exercise is not to kill people Mullery, BUT TO PRACTICE KILLING PEOPLE!"

 

[michaellevenson]

Dickenson and Charles study the map intently back at HQ.
Col ".......then I'll take out your forward positions "
LC " but you'll never cross the river, I'll blow up the bridge...boom"
Cedric enters with tray of sandwiches.
Col " ah good lad "
He places tray on table.
LC " not there Cedric that's no man's land"
Cd " sorry "
Cedric places tray on sideboard and comes over to look at map, Dickenson isn't too pleased,
Col " Charles?"
LC " erm..Cedric...coffee please "
Cedric reluctantly leaves,
Col " I suppose you'll be bringing up anti tank weapons "
LC " I might, if I've got any"
Col " have you "
LC " I might have, if you've got any tanks"
Col " alright I've got three tanks"
LC " I've got three anti tank guns"
Col ( sighs) " I wonder what idiot at HQ thought that one up......Charles?"
LC " yes Arnold?"
Col " HQ tell me you're using spies"
LC " yes that's right...one spy"
Col " so have we, I wonder what yours looks like "

Catweazle hidden behind tree spies the green demon Command Post in the woods, the fake trees he has followed have arrived, Groome is on guard as they enter encampment.
G " well done lads " as the trees pass him.
Catweazle takes toad out of pocket.
C " see Touchwood, it's a great magician's castle, one stands on guard "
Catweazle moves surreptitiously forward looking for a way passed Groome. Around the back of the hut that is HQ the three soldiers climb out of their camouflage tree suits, they leave the suits propped up on outside of hut and join other men in woods. Catweazle peers round corner of hut, creeps up to fake trees.
C " where is thy master ? Speak I command thee"
Suddenly a soldier grabs him from behind, and drags him into hut, Catweazle is thrown onto floor, Jones looks at him and smiles.
J " there what did I tell you, a blue demon spy if ever I saw one!"

 

[michaellevenson]

Colonel Dickenson on phone,
Col " excellent Jones, report in when you've questioned him. ( to Charles) got your spy Charles, fellow was creeping around green demon command post"

Jones has Catweazle sat opposite him for debriefing,
J " right then are you a blue demon?"
C " nay O great one"
J " you address me as Major. Well are you a green demon, one of us?"
C " aye tis so I am"
J " give the password...the word?..come on"
C " Shempamparash "
J " wrong it's Lucifer "
C ( awe) " Lucifer?!"
J " that makes you a blue demon. Name rank number. Let's start at the beginning, name?"
C " Catweazle "
J " no your real name you idiot"
The phone rings, Catweazle looks in wonder.
C " you have three telling bones"
J ( phone) " I am not interested in the frogmen I'm with a spy "
C " frogmen?"
J " now where were we"
C " has thou great powers "
J " I'm in charge of this command post if that's what you mean. Now for the last time what is your name?"
C " I am thy brother "
J " I suppose this is your idea of causing chaos and confusion. Right ( shouts) NUMBER RANK NAME"
C " what sayest thou?"
J " look I know you're supposed to be difficult but you've got to play fair. Number?"
C " nine "
J ( writes) " 9 good.....well..go on!"
C " tis the magic number "
Jones rapidly losing cool and becoming agitated.
J " alright what is your rank. You've got to tell me that "
C ( puzzled) " what are thou asking me?"
J " you go on like this and I'll call an umpire"
C " a demon?"
Jones is letting this get on top of him, head in hands, can't take much more of this.
J " no an umpire, YOU'RE A DEMON "
C " nay"
J " look are you an officer, warrant officer sergeant or what?"
C " can thoust fly?"
J " THIS IS THE ARMY, NOT THE BLOOMING AIR FORCE "
Jones tries to calm down, and writes on paper,
J " right, number 9, rank, refused to answer. Now then name?
C " Catweazle "

 

[michaellevenson]

At HQ in King's Farthing Dickenson on phone to Jones.
Col " cat...weasel....that's code Jones "
J " yes sir but it don't make sense"
Cedric pouring coffee at sideboard reacts to hearing this, he quietly leaves room.

Catweazle offers Jones a banana.
J " I don't eat bananas "
Col " I don't eat bananas, okay Jones I'll work that code out "
J " no sir, I was talking to him. Do you think he's trying to confuse us?"
Col " more than likely Jones keep at him"
Colonel Dickenson looks through code book as does Charles,
Col " cat...advance "
LC " weasel...retreat "

Back at the command post,
J " it's only an exercise, you're not a real spy. I've got to put something on the report sheet"
C " thou has all thirteen signs "
J " of what?..hey I'm perfectly alright you'll never wear me down "
C " why art thou so angry"
J ( ballistic) " WHO ARE YOU!?"
C " Catweazle "
J " STAND UP, STAND UP, empty your pockets, come on empty them NOW"
Catweazle empties pockets of robe placing objects on table in front of Jones. Toothpaste, harmonica, rabbit bone, chalk and banana.
J ( perplexed) " no map, no compass"
C " tis all....bar Touchwood, you will not harm him? Tis my familiar, where is thine"
Catweazle places Touchwood on table.

 

[michaellevenson]

Cedric running through woods arrives at Command Post, Groome is on guard.
G " what are you doing here? This is a military zone"
Cd " where's the command centre"
G " can't tell you that "
Cd " you must it's a matter of life and death "
G " look we're in the middle of a war"
Cd " but there's been a terrible mistake "
G " sorry Cedric you gotta stay here with me"

Back at King's Farthing,
Col " you'll have to surrender Charles "
LC " rubbish "
Col " but you're surrounded "
LC " nonsense "
Col " face the facts man.( phone rings)...green demon 1"
J " Major Jones sir, I'm beginning to think we've made a bit of an error sir"
Col " what d'you mean Jones "
J " I'm beginning to think we picked up a real civilian by mistake sir , could be rather dangerous "
Col " don't be ridiculous Jones of course he's a blue demon "
J" but he's got a toad in his pocket sir and a tube of toothpaste "
Col " alright Jones I'm coming over. ( phone down)..Jones has cracked, battle fatigue "

 

[michaellevenson]

Catweazle has opened up a box, curiosity again, it contains grenades, he picks one up. Jones puts phone down and sees this,
J." AAARRGGHH "
C " the divine egg, I knew you had it"
J ( desperately) " put it down "
C " but thou has many"
Catweazle tosses grenade from hand to hand.
C " now I shall fly"
Jones dives for cover under table.

C " why does thy hide?"
J " go away, go away"
C " then I may keep thy might stone of power"
J " look mate if you want to blow yourself up go outside and do it"
C " yes, blow up, into the skies"

 

[michaellevenson]

Colonel Dickenson arrives at Command Post,
Soldier " Halt who goes there "
Col " Green demon 1"
Colonel enters and sees Jones cowering under desk,
Col " don't worry Jones it's all over as far as you're concerned "
J ( points to Cw) " sir..it's live and he's as mad as a hatter "
Dickenson turns to see Catweazle, the pin of the grenade looped over his thumb.

Col " give me that grenade "
C " tis mine, there's more for thee in box"
Col " come on there's a good chap"
C " I shall become invisible I shall fly"
J " we'll all fly if he pulls that pin out "
Col " shut up Jones "
C " pin? It is the divine egg, the philosopher's stone, farewell."
Catweazle runs out, soldiers see him with grenade and turn and run pronto.
C " truly I have the power "
Dickenson grabs phone,
Col " Green demon 1 to all posts a madman is in the woods, he's carrying a live grenade and intends blowing himself up. Come on Jones"

 

[michaellevenson]

Catweazle stands on a concrete bunker in the woods, holding grenade, looking skywards.
C " salmy dalmy adonay....Shempamparash "
Dickenson, Jones and couple of men look on from a safe distance.
Col " I'll do this, you stay here"
J " but sir"
Col " that's an order Jones, probably my last"
He walks up to Catweazle, looks up at him and smiles politely.
Col " don't do anything silly will you, not without asking me first."
C " who art thou"
Col " Lieutenant Colonel Dickenson "
C " where's the magician?"
Col " magician, no idea, be sensible old chap"
Catweazle notices the armband Dickenson is wearing, a green goat logo on it.
C " the sign of the goat"
Col " oh..do you want it?"
C " aye"
Dickenson is carrying a shooting stick , he takes off the armband, places it over the end of the stick and holds it up so Catweazle can reach the armband.
C " truly I have all the powers "
Col " can we have our bomb back"
C " nay"
Col " don't pull the pin out "
C ( pulls pin out) " what this?"
Col ( shouting ) " THROW IT THROW IT MAN, IT'S DANGEROUS GET RID OF IT DROP IT DROP IT"
Even Catweazle senses danger now, he drops it at Dickenson's feet, who using his shooting stick smashes grenade into the air, and straight into a well, where it explodes harmlessly.

J " are you alright sir "
Col " well my handicap is improving, hole in one eh?"
They look up at bunker roof, Catweazle is gone.

 

[michaellevenson]

At Duck Halt Catweazle ponders on what happened. Cedric there too.
C " for a moment it was mine, the philosopher's stone, then it was gone"
Cd " it was a grenade Catweazle, a bomb, you could have got yourself killed"
C " but the trees walked"
Cd " er...never mind, you got the goat , thats the main thing"
C " the way is long, so many signs, so many spells, but one day it will be found "
Cd " the philosopher's stone you mean"
C "aye, my brother....mayhap...mayhap "
THE END

 

[michaellevenson]

Next episode s02e11

TRANSCRIPTION Catweazle s02 e11 - The Battle Of The Giants( the doublè entendre episode)

Note- 15/4/22 -improved transcript for this episode, new piccies added, for which is probably the 2nd best episode of series, after final episode of course, IMO Background- Catweazle, a magician of the black arts escapes from the Norman invaders of England in 1066 by jumping into a lake...

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