Review Lead Balloon -s01e03- £5000

[michaellevenson]

Background -
Comedy series with Jack Dee as comedian Rick Spleen, a man who's career is on a downturn.
He lives with partner Mel, who runs an agency for tv people, it's very successful, and she is the main breadwinner. They have a daughter Sammy, a lazy scrounger who has a dopey boyfriend Ben. They employ Magda as a home help, a girl from some eastern European country. Rick employs a gag writer, an American called Marty, and finally there's Michael who runs the local cafe where Rick and Marty daily go to lunch. Now read on.

 

[michaellevenson]

Rick is compering an awards dinner, up at the rostrum in front of a hundred or so pissed business men and women, sat at tables, drunk mostly. This is what he's reduced to doing , hoping one day to get back on tv.
R ( into mic) " we now come to the special achievement category. The winner is Luton branch manager Graham MacLean"
Audience applaud, MacLean staggers up to the stage, very drunk. He grabs the award Rick was offering.
Mac (into mic) " I knew I'd win this, 'cos I'm better than the other wankers up for it"
R " Graham MacLean ladies and gentlemen"
Rick tries to steer MacLean off stage.
Mac " hang on, I'm not finished. Rick Spleen, you were fourth choice for this, you're crap you are. ( to audience) what's the difference between Rick Spleen and a packet of polo mints? People like polos"
R " that's an old gag"
Mac " okay, here's a new one. What do you get if you cross a lump of shite with a dwarf...Rick Spleen!"
R " you're embarrassing yourself now"
But the audience are howling with laughter, much to Rick's embarrassment.
Mac " how many Rick Spleens does it take to change a light bulb? Doesn't matter 'cos they're all crap"
Rick finally pushes MacLean away, who responds with a punch , hitting Rick.
Another depressing evening in the downwardly spiralling career of Rick Spleen.
Jack Dee is Rick Spleen;

 

[michaellevenson]

The next day in the kitchen of his home his partner Mel is looking at Rick's ever so slightly black eye.
M" what happened?"
R " I was cracking jokes at his expense and he just couldn't handle it"
Rick prefers his version of events.
M " they hire you to be funny, and when you are you're attacked. You should sue"
R " er...no.. I just have to rise above it, I'm just wondering what the tv executives me and Marty are seeing today will think"
M " I don't think they'll notice the eye"
R" Marty will, all day he'll be cracking jokes, oooh you look like a panda"
Rick's wallet is on the kitchen table, Mel reaches for it.
M." Can you lend me £20?"
R " god you're worse than Sam, why?"
M " save me going to the ATM. It's Edna's birthday today"
R " Edna?"
M " lady who cleans for us at work. She's been with us for years, we're all chipping in"
R " there's six of you, that's £120!"
M " yeah, so what, don't be so mean"
R " me mean! I'm all for giving to a good cause"
M " like what?"
R " this charity skip-a-thon Michael at the cafe is doing, I put in for that"
M " so, everyone is"
R " how much did you put in?"
M " five pence"
R " five pence! And I'm mean!!"
M " how much did you put down?"
R " £5"
M " five pounds!! It's per skip Rick. You sponsor him per skip, didn't you wonder why others were putting down two pence or five pence. It said clearly on the form. And you're sponsoring him five pounds per skip?"
R " well no... that's hundreds of pounds, Michael can't be insane enough to think I meant that....can he?"
Mel gives a little knowing smile, they both know Michael is odd enough to think just that.

 

[michaellevenson]

Magda the home help walks in carrying a laundry basket.
Mag " what happened to your eye?"
R " at the gig last night. Got punched"
Mag " ah , they didn't find your jokes funny"
R " no the opposite actually, I was too funny"
Mag " of course. Try putting vodka on it, it's a good antiskeptic"
R " antiseptic....the word is antiseptic Magda"
Mag " yes...antiskeptic"
R " thanks Magda I'll think about it"
A little while later Rick is in the bathroom, he pours a bit of vodka onto a cotton wool ball, and presses it under his eye.
R " AAARRRGGGGHH!!"

 

[michaellevenson]

In the living room Marty , Rick's gag writer is going over a game show formula they've worked out. An attempt to find Rick a new career vehicle.
Marty " so we start with the lay out,round one, round two, examples of funny questions and answers. Then we pitch the formula in detail"
R " when are going to start with the jokes?"
Mar " what jokes?"
R " about my eye, I look like a panda"
Mar " oh I see, you've got a sort of black eye"
R " not sort of, it's a black eye"
M " whatever"
R " aren't you going to ask how I got it?"
M " no"
R " I can tell you're dying to know"
M " no Rick I'm not, not my business"
R " when I get punched for telling a gag you wrote it becomes your business"
M." which gag ?"
R " erm ... well it wasn't any specific one, just the general scene. That's the difference Marty, you're just a gag writer, I have to go out there and take risks, while you're at home watching The Simpsons or whatever"
M " you're right Rick, I feel kinda humble, but it was a great episode and I don't look like I've smudged my make up"
Sean Power is Marty;

 

[michaellevenson]

Rick's daughter Sam and her boyfriend Ben come in.
S " let's have a look at your eye dad. Oh poor you"
R " thank you , some sympathy at last"
Ben " Magda says try vodka on it"
R " tried that Ben"
Marty gets up,
M " I'll get us some coffee, unless you want something else Rick, bamboo shoots perhaps ?"
R " ah, so now it is a black eye"
Sam " Dad, remember the book tokens I got for Xmas"
R " vaguely"
S " well can I have cash instead"
R " Marty, you wanna buy book tokens?"
M " I'm fine thanks"
R " what's happened to your allowance Sam?"
S " I spent it, on course books"
R " why didn't you use the tokens?"
S " didn't think of it"
R ( sighs) " well, how much were they for?"
S " forty"
Ben " fifty"
S " yes fifty I think"
R " you think?"
S " I can't find them Dad"
R " look, here's thirty for now, when you find them I'll give you the rest of the money"
S " thanks Dad, cool "

 

[michaellevenson]

At lunch as usual Rick and Marty go to Michael's cafe. On the counter is the sponsorship form. Marty studies it.
Mart " you put £5 in this column?, it clearly says per skip"
R " I'll just tell him I made a mistake. I meant to put five pence.....or two pence"
Mar " yeah right, I can really see him buying that"
They sit at a table, Michael comes out of the kitchen and over to them.
Michael" welcome gents...about the sponsored skip- a- thon"
R " yes I meant to talk to you about that, I know I put down five pounds..."
Mic " yes everybody knows of your generosity Rick, I told the press, they're very interested, the celebrity angle i.e. you, want to take photos"
R ( looking sick) " really?, so how many skips do you think you'll do. One hundred?"
Mic "Oh god no..... I think I can do better than that. Aiming for a thousand at least. It's all a question of being fit, get into a rhythm. I'm being trained by an ex professional boxing coach, he's a customer. Right gents I'll get you a menu"
Michael walks off.
Marty " one thousand skips , lets see....that's..no it can't be....it is...it's five thousand pounds Rick!"
R " yeah thanks Marty, I worked that out"
Mar " suppose he does more"
R " what!"
Mar " you heard him, he's getting into top shape, he'll get to a thousand and think, I know I'll carry on skipping, you know Michael, he's like Forrest Gump"
Michael returns with a menu.
Mar " so Michael when do you start we'd like to come and show our support"
Mic " next Tuesday 10am sharp"
Mar " good luck"
Mic " all in the mind"
Mar " excuse me?"
Mic " All In The Mind, that's who I'm raising money for. They do a lot of good work for people with mental problems"
Michael has a far away look in his eyes.
Mic " yes...a lot of good work"
Michael leaves,
Rick says to Marty,
R " obviously not that good in his case"

 

[michaellevenson]

Back at home,
Mel " that's five thousand pounds Rick!"
R " yes I know how much it is"
M " you'll just have to tell him you made a mistake"
R " I can't, he's told The Gazette I'm sponsoring him five pounds per skip"
M " maybe he won't get that far, it is quite tough"
R " this is Michael we're talking about. He's like Forrest Gump, he'll just keep going, ( in a Forrest Gump voice), life is like a box of chocolates, I'm going to keep skipping 'til my friend Rick is bankrupt"
M " well it's going to a good cause"
R " no it's not, it'll just go towards a padded craft room, so loonies can do their wicker work without banging their heads"
M " I think you'll find mental health care has moved on a touch"
R " no it hasn't, it's still origami and forced medication, or if they're really dangerous they run a cafe, Christ!"
Magda comes in to the kitchen.
Mag " I'm here at bad time?"
Mel " no Magda, you know this sponsored skip-a- thon Michael at the cafe is doing, well Rick has pledged 5 pounds per skip, and Michael is planning on doing a thousand"
Mag " that's £5000"
R " yes Magda I know!"
Mel " Michael is raising money for mental health care"
Mag " ah yes Michael has ....problems. In my country if you have these problems it's very serious"
R " I'm sure"
Mag " my grandfather is mad"
R " really"
Mag " yes, he said people are following him and taking pictures, so doctors come and take him away, put him in hospital, tied to the bed, for a very long time. Then revolution happens and we find out secret police were following him, he wasn't mad, he wasn't imagining it"
Mel " oh dear, how long was he in for?"
Mag " he's still there, he'd been locked up so long he really went mad!"
R ' ah...poor grandad"

 

[michaellevenson]

That evening Rick is alone in the living room when Sam comes in.
S " hi dad, thanks for the money earlier for the book tokens"
R " have you found them yet?"
S " er no, but I was talking to mum and we both remember they were for fifty pounds. So that's how much you'll get. So if you could give me the extra twenty now, save you doing it later"
R " let's hope Michael accepts book tokens!
Sam I don't like to press you, but you could get a job"
S " yeah sure, I was telling mum, Michael at the cafe is looking for a waitress"
Rick is horrified at the thought.
R " there's some cash by the toaster, take twenty"
S " gee, thanks dad"

 

[michaellevenson]

Rick is driving his car ,Marty in the passenger seat. The meeting with the tv bosses didn't go well.
M " you blew it Rick. You should have let me do the talking"
R " I'm the only reason we got the interview"
M " no, you're the reason we blew it. You were incoherent and mumbling"
R " they wanted to hear from the organ grinder not the monkey"
M " yeah, that's kinda my point. Watch out for that cyclist! You almost hit him"
R " they shouldn't be allowed to wear those fluorescent vests, it dazzles you"
They arrive at the cafe. Marty tries to open the passenger door, it's jammed.
M " door's stuck Rick, god I need some air, great , window is jammed too. Can't you get rid of this heap of junk"
R " if you hadn't blown the pitch then maybe I could look to buy a new one"
Rick gets out, Marty has to slide out via the driver side. They go into the cafe.
Marty " hi Michael, getting ready"
Mic " oh yes, never fitter. Up early morning working out"
R " you know Michael I was reading about this guy,32 he was, working out, skipping I think, and suddenly dropped dead. I thought what if that happened to Michael"
Mic " no worries Rick, doctor examined me recently, said my heart is strong as an ox"
Mar " that must be a weight off your mind Rick!"
R " even so, I feel a bit guilty putting you under this pressure. Why don't we forget the per skip thing, and I'll give you a cheque now for £200"
Mic " erm..no"
R " three hundred "
Mic " thanks Rick but I'd like to stick to the per skip incentive"
R " five hundred, and we'll say no more about it"
Mic " well it's tempting Rick, and generous of you, but no"
Mar " good for you Michael"
Michael walks over to a heavy looking box on the floor, a delivery of bottled water, picks it up.
Mar " nice try Rick, you didn't think he'd fall for that did you?"
R " Michael can we order please"
Michael places the box on Rick and Marty's table.
Mic " what would you like gents?"
R " erm ...lets see"
Rick looks at the menu, whilst his left elbow is slowly shoving the box towards the edge of the table, the edge where Michael is standing. Marty notices.
Mar " Rick! Rick!...what are you having?"
R " er...pasta"
Mar " two pastas Michael"
Michael picks up the box and heads for the kitchen.
Mar " you were going to do that weren't you, drop the box on his foot"
R" of course not, why would I, he would get seriously hurt"
Mar " yeah right, what possible motive would you have eh?"

 

[michaellevenson]

They leave the cafe, Rick goes to the driver side of the car, Marty the passenger side.
R " other side"
M " yeah,sorry, what was I thinking, this is like The Dukes Of Hazzard"
Marty gets in first and slides over to the other seat, then Rick gets in. Michael appears at the cafe door waving at them.
Mar " look, what does Norman Bates want now"
Michael runs towards them, mobile phone in hand.
Mar " it's your phone Rick, you left it behind"
Michael tries to open passenger door.
Mar " doesn't work Michael go round the other side"
R " other side "
Michael nods and steps in front of car,
Rick starts it up, and struggles to find reverse, the car lurches forward as Rick's foot hits the accelerator pedal accidentally, Michael is hit, he slumps forward banging his head on the bonnet, then slides into the road.

 

[michaellevenson]

Michael is put in an ambulance on a stretcher, wearing an oxygen mask and with a drip in his arm. Rick is by his car, Marty comes over.
R " not too badly damaged,my phone, casing a bit cracked, ....er but Michael is the important thing, he looked okay"
M " difficult to tell with the oxygen mask on"
R " that's just standard"
M " what about the drip, was that for fun too?"
R " this may look like I did it to get out of the skip -a- thon thing, but it wasn't my fault"
M " course not, some may say as you were the driver..."
An officer of the law comes over to them.
Off " this your car sir?"
R " yep, just had an accident, Michael is actually a really good friend, and he stepped out in front of the car, I was looking in the mirror as you're supposed to do when joining traffic, I didn't see him"
Off " you realise your car tax disc expired two days ago sir? You were committing an offense having this on the road"
R " look I've been involved in an accident, hurt my eye as you can see"
Off " you can still see your tax disc is out of date"
R " oh dear, I really don't need this. You're not a policeman are you? What sort of uniform is that you've got on?"
Off " I'm a community support officer. I support the police"
R " be honest you really wanted to be a policeman didn't you, riding around in a car with the siren on. Neenar neenar neenar"
Off " your attitude isn't helping sir"
R " well nor are you. You have no real powers. They give you a zoo keeper uniform, you should change it for a wizards costume, then people might take you more seriously"
Off " lets get back to your car tax sir"
R " no, I don't want to, what are going to do about it?"
Five minutes later a handcuffed Rick is in the back of a police car being driven away.

 

[michaellevenson]

A few hours later he's back home, Mel bailed him out.
Magda " so you were put in prison"
R " not prison Magda, they thought after the accident I needed a rest, that's all"
Mel " in a cell"
Mag " cell?"
Mel " a room in a police station with a bed and a locked door"
Mag " ah yes...prison"
Mel " poor Michael, no skip -a- thon. You'll have to write him a cheque as it is your fault he's injured"
R " well I offered before the accident, but he turned it down,so it's out of my hands really"
Sam and Ben come in.
S " heard what happened dad"
B " you got banged up, they're filth"
R " can't really say that Ben"
B " those community support officers, got no power"
R " hmmm, well they've got some"
S " Dad, Ben has got a solution to the missing book tokens"
Ben hands Rick a card.
R " this is a library card"
B " yeah, you can borrow books from the library, then take them back and get more, all for free"
R " yeah I know how a library works Ben"
S " cool dad"
Poor Rick ain't getting the book tokens back, another £50 he's lost.

 

[michaellevenson]

In the cafe, Rick and Marty enter. Michael is there on crutches, black eye , bandaged foot.
Mar " Michael , we didn't think you'll be in today"
Mic " mustn't let the customers down. I'll manage."
R " sorry Michael, about the accident, and your skipping thing"
Mic " wanted to ask you Rick, can I take up your offer of £500 please"
R " well I don't know, you did turn that down Michael"
Mic " yes, but a change in circumstances Rick"
R " well it wasn't really my fault"
Marty " you know Rick , some might just get an impression it was your fault as you were the driver"
Rick grits his teeth and pulls out his cheque book.
Mic " worked out rather well all in all"
R " five hundred was it ?"
Mic " yes Rick , very decent of you. Must admit the skipping wasn't going well. Didn't want to say anything, didn't want to let you down"
Rick is shocked,
R " but you were being trained by that boxing coach"
Mic " yes, the fitness was fine, but the skipping nope, I kept getting into a hopeless tangle. The most I managed was twelve"
Marty ( laughing) " twelve skips!...hey Rick, twelve times five...that's sixty pounds"
Michael accepts the cheque for five hundred. Rick can't resist one last act of revenge.
R " Michael, that black eye looks painful"
Mic " sore as hell"
R " have you tried putting vodka on it, I thoroughly recommend it"
Michael. " thanks Rick I'll try that"
roll credits, the end

 

[michaellevenson]

Lead Balloon thread here;
https://www.imdforums.com/threads/lead-balloon.2402/

 

[michaellevenson]

Here's a little scene , just a teaser for anyone wanting to try this show, from another episode.

 

[michaellevenson]

An illustration of Rick, Marty and Michael together.

 

[michaellevenson]