Catweazle Episode 10 THE HOUSE OF THE SORCERER ( NEW TRANSCRIPTION scene by scene)

[michaellevenson]

Catweazle is in the woods near his Castle Saburac water tank home. He is looking for Touchwood his toad, when he sees a strange sight, strange to him.
Naturalist Professor Fitton is crouching down in the woods, tape recorder slung over his shoulder, and a high tech ( for 1970) microphone attached. In front of him on the ground is Touchwood, and Fitton is attempting to record croaking. Unfortunately Touchwood is not obliging and silently sits there. Catweazle moves closer and sees this , he is anguished, what is happening to Touchwood?
C( whispers) " Touchwood "
Fitton can't hear as he is wearing headphones, and realising that the toad isn't playing ball ,he walks off.
Catweazle picks up Touchwood, strokes it, agitated at whatever Fitton was doing. He decides to follow Fitton through the woods.

Meanwhile at Hexwood Farm, Sam the hired hand is having an awkward conversation with George Bennett, the boss.
G "but why Sam?"
S " I need a change I reckon."
G " a change? You've been with me for 12 years"
S " I know boss, I think that's the trouble."
G "I thought you liked working here."
S " I do, at least I did, you see Mr Bennett I've never done anything, been anywhere."
G " why suddenly now?"
S " well, I ain't never really been cut out for farming."
G " I've never heard anything so stupid."
S " what d'you mean stupid?"
G " you've been in farming all your life "
S ( raising voice) " I'm stupid am I?!"
G " I didn't say that."
The shouting starts from both of them.

S " YES YOU DID I HEARD YOU"
G " I ONLY MEANT"
S " I WOULD BE STUPID IF I STOPPED HERE, BECAUSE THERE'S NO FUTURE IN IT."
G " ARE YOU IMPLYING THAT I DON'T KNOW HOW TO RUN THIS FARM!"
S " I DIDN'T SAY THAT"
G " WHEN I WANT YOUR OPINION..."
S " YOU DON'T EVER PAY ATTENTION"
G " CONTROL YOURSELF "
S " DONT TELL ME WHAT TO DO!"
G " ALRIGHT WOODYARD YOU'RE FIRED"
S " NO I'M NOT I'M GIVING IN MY NOTICE"
Carrot has heard all this and is staring dumbfounded at this.
S " goodbye Carrot."
Sam storms out,
C " Dad, what happened?"
G " KEEP OUT OF THIS."
Carrot turns to his tortoise Beelzeebub,
C" what's got into them Be-elzy."

 

[michaellevenson]

Fitton meanwhile has arrived at his caravan parked deep in the woods. He enters, not realising that Catweazle has followed. Catweazle ,tries to peer in through window, when he hears footsteps nearing. He hides at back of caravan as Sam comes up to door and knocks, Fitton replies.
F " come in"

Sam enters, Fitton is sitting at a worktop, the whole place is full of expensive looking machines, including recording devices, all part of Fitton's work as a naturalist and author, he's a sort of cut price David Attenborough.
Fitton turns on a tape player and a loud piercing scream is heard.
Catweazle outside hearing this is terrified, and runs off,
CW " aaarrghhh."
Inside Fitton turns off player,
F " startling isn't it, that's a screech owl of course, got that in the Orkneys, took me a month, I ended up in hospital with exposure and malnutrition. Would you like to hear it again?"
S " er...no I don't think so thank you Mr Fitton. I got those batteries you wanted."
F " oh good good"
S " I gave up my job at the farm"
F " you won't regret it."
S " I hope not."
F " you'll love Iceland, I was there in the spring with my last assistant. That was an unfortunate business."
S " what was?"
F " well we were recording in a volcano, poor Jasper, I have the recording somewhere."
S " I don't think I want to hear it"
F "no of course not, it's not as if you even knew him."

Fitton connects a microphone to his recorder and puts it in front of Sam.
F " say something."
S ( quietly) " hello"
F " louder"
S ( shouts) " HELLO"
Fitton pulls off his headphones grimacing.
S " sorry."
F " go on"
S " this is Sam Woodyard speaking."
Fitton turns off tape machine,
F " fine, have you found anyone for Vanishing Britain?"
S " oh yeah, I had a word down the pub the other night. Old Wally said he might come up."
F " is he an Octogenarian?"
S " er..no I think he's a methodist."
F " no no"
S " he knows lots of songs and jokes though"
F " oh no, it's folk lore I'm after."
S " is it?"
F " yes, you see many old people are positive treasure houses of folk material."
S " are they?"
F " yes, never mind, anyway where did you say those badgers were?"

 

[michaellevenson]

Catweazle still fretting and agitated climbs into his water tank home, Castle Saburac, Carrot is there.
CW " O Master, Master save me save me, the woods, a sorcerer, killing murdering."
C " eh?"
CW " fiend, terrible horrible."
Catweazle kneeling and wailing,
C " get up"
CW " gab gabba agabba"
C " calm down"
CW " thy Sam is no more"
C ( alarmed)" what!?"
CW " the vile fiend has devoured him."

Back at the farm George Bennett is on the phone,
G " so I've got to find a replacement immediately Tom, any ideas?"

Carrot has poured Catweazle a mug of water from the bottled supply he gives him.
C " here, now tell me what happened "
CW ( calmer)" a demon his house on wheels."
C " house on wheels, you don't mean a caravan?"
CW " then thy Sam cometh."
C " go on"
CW " ask me not brother "
C " go on"
CW " then he goeth in, and then, then"
C " and then yes?"
CW " the sceams brother, the dreadful screams."
C " you're imagining things, who'd want to kill Sam?"

In Fitton's caravan , a tape recording is playing, of bird song.
F " it's all done by having patience, bags of endless patience, ( plane noise on tape).
( Shouts) AEROPLANES AEROPLANES!!"
S "what?"
F " I'm sorry, you see the fact is, I can't stand them. They ruined my only recording of the yellow bellied supsucker."
S ( humouring)" did they?"
F " I tell you what, we'll build a hide then they won't know where we are."
S " what, the aeroplanes?"
F " of course not, the badgers"
S " but I haven't brought my boots"
F " that's alright you can have Jasper's"
Fitton takes a pair of boots from a cupboard, Sam takes them.
F " go on, let's see if they fit."
Sam puts them on,
S " yes I think so."
F " good, forward "
Fitton thrusts a spade in Sam's hand and leaves caravan, Sam looking a bit down follows.
S " more blooming digging."

Back at Castle Saburac,
C " just show me where it is then."
CW " nay, he will kill us"
C " bet you've got it all wrong anyway, you usually have....come on. Look Catweazle two magicians should be able to fix him eh?"
CW " mayhap"
Catweazle crouches down,
CW " first, widdershins."
C" eh?"
CW " widdershins brother widdershins."
C " what are you babbling about."
CW " we need protection, has thou never heard of widdershins?"
Carrot shakes head,
CW "tis beyond belief."
Catweazle turns anti clockwise in a circle while crouching, round and round, faster with each completed circle. This water tank they're in is not particularly stable, and as Catweazle goes round and round the whole tank shakes. Carrot clings on to support as the vibrations reach a frightening level. Thankfully Catweazle stops and falls on his back exhausted.
CW " round and round the spell is wound. Now I am ready"
C ( laughing) " oh yeah, you look it!"
CW ( to toad)" come Touchwood my brave warrior, into battle."
C " a bit small for battle isn't he?"
CW " he may be small but he has a heart of a lion."
# widdershins- old Scottish anticlockwise or counter to the sun's movement considered unlucky.

 

[michaellevenson]

In the woods Sam has a dug a hole, Fitton sits on rock reading, and then passes comment,
F " needs a bit of camouflaging. I'll get the equipment, shan't be long."
Fitton walks off, Sam doesn't look happy, this is no better than working at the farm.

Meanwhile Carrot and Catweazle arrive at the caravan.
C " what's it doing here? Are you sure it was Sam."
CW " I know the clod"
C " door's open....come on"
CW " nay, tis a trap."
C " alright I'll go"
Carrot goes in as Catweazle keeps watch outside. Carrot sees the recording equipment, a map of The U.K. on the wall with red pins attached to it marking various places, and then SAM'S SHOES on the bed.
C " CATWEAZLE!"
Catweazle runs in holding stick,
C " look they're Sams...but..but IT CAN'T BE!"

They see Fitton returning through window, Carrot grabs Sam's shoes and scarpers.
Catweazle not so quick, he hides in cupboard as Fitton enters.
Unfortunately Touchwood starts croaking, Fitton hears this and looks around to see where the noise is coming from. More croaking as Catweazle desperately mouths at Touchwood to keep quiet.
But the cupboard door is opened as Fitton stares astonished at his visitor.
F " what an earth are you doing here? Come out"

CW ( pleads)" spare me!"
F " you haven't taken anything have you?"
CW " nay"
Fitton points to his beloved equipment,
F "or touched any of this?"
CW " nay."
F " well come on man, what are you doing here?"

CW ( terrified) " S..S...Sam"
F ( happy) " oh, you're Wally, you've come to record, good. Come and sit down."
Fitton leads Catweazle to a stool,
F " your courage failed you did it? Never mind, it's quite painless."
Fitton grabs a notepad,
F " first I'll take a few details....now Mister...er....Mister....what's your name?"
CW " Catweazle."
F " Oh right, Wally Catweazle, how old are you?"
Catweazle looks non plussed.
F " oh you've forgotten have you, never mind. Now just tell me all about yourself."
Catweazle places microphone in front of Catweazle.
F " just pretends it's not there, it won't bite you."

Fitton presses button on tape machine and the Screech Owl is heard. Catweazle screams,
CW " aaarrghhh, will thou murder me?"
F " of course not. Listen old fellow, I want to record you, don't you understand?"
Catweazle shakes head,
F " for posterity, you are part of an England that is gone."
CW " aye tis true, long gone."
F " that's better, you see I want you to take me back into the past."
CW " nay Master I have tried and tried in vain."

George Bennett is on the phone again trying to replace Sam.
G " is he on the phone Bob? Oh he wouldn't be....oh you have....hang on ( opening notepad)...yeah...18 Rabbit Lane, that's off Bridge Street isn't it? Thanks Bob, anyone else?"
Carrot runs into house,
C" DAD DAD"
G " on the phone."
Carrot runs into hallway up to Dad,
G " what's the matter?"
C " Sam has been murdered! ( holding shoes) look at these"
G " for heavens sake Carrot."
C" I found them, they're his."
G " I'm on the phone."
C ( shouts) " he's buried in the woods."
G ( phone) " I'm sorry what were you saying."
C " YOU'VE JUST GOT TO BELIEVE ME!"
G " please Carrot."
C " SAM'S DEAD I TELL YOU."
G " sorry I'll phone you back"
George ends call,
C " it's true I found his shoes in the caravan."
G " what caravan?"
C " you just gotta phone the police."
G " hold it Carrot calm down"
They go into living room.

 

[michaellevenson]

G " sit down Carrot, now suppose you tell me the whole thing from the beginning."
C " well there was this caravan"
G " where?"
C " in the woods near Kingfisher lake, we...I went in and found these, and I know they're Sam's, and he's been murdered, and the man buried him."
G " what man?"

C (excitedly) "some sort of spy, and the place is full of radio equipment, there's a map on the wall with flags and things. Sam must have found out, that's why he left us, to run away and they've got him."
G " is that it, are you finished?"
C "yes Dad, you don't believe me do you?"
G " no I'm not saying that, just that before we call the police I better take a look myself."
Carrot gets a shotgun from a cupboard, George takes it.
G " he's trespassing anyhow in that wood. You stay here, that's an order."

Meanwhile Sam has finished digging the badger hide, and camouflaged it with twigs and leaves. He sits in hole, arms crossed fed up.


Meanwhile Fitton is carefully explaining the tape recording machine to Catweazle.
F " you see the tape goes around the head, and then when you want to wind back..."
CW ( excitedly) " wind back?"
F " that's all there is to it you see, shall we get on?"
CW " wind back!? Will thoust wind me back?"
F " as soon as we've finished."
Fitton turns machine on and Sam's voice is heard.
S " Hello this is Sam Woodyard speaking."
Catweazle thumps machine,
CW " where art thou?"

F " he's on there" ( the recorder)
CW " is he?"
F "now for heavens sake, sit down and I'll put you on there"
Catweazle leaps up in terror,
CW " aaarrghhh...."
Catweazle grabs tape from spool and pulls and rips tape out of machine.
F " WALLY STOP IT!"

Catweazle then accidentally bashes into another player, the Screech Owl is heard.
CW "AAARRRGGGGHH"
Catweazle runs out of caravan dragging tape with him, unravelling from the spool on Fitton's machine.
F "WALLY....COME BACK...YOU LUNATIC"

 

[michaellevenson]

Carrot is alone in the kitchen reading a book when Sam comes up behind him.
S " hello Carrot"
Carrot jumps up in surprise and reaches out and gently touches Sam on the arm.
C " you're real."
S " of course I'm real!"
C " you're not a ghost?"
S " don't be daft."
C " I thought you were dead!" ( points to shoes on table)
S " what...oh you've been up there have you? Do you reckon your Dad will have me back?"
C " yeah of course he will"
S " where is he?"
C " oh crumbs!"

George, shotgun crooked over arm approaches caravan about to go in when the car pulling it starts up, Fitton is at the wheel.
G " just a minute"

Fitton winds down the car window,
F " if you're another of Sam Woodyard's lunatics, tell him one was enough."
G " what did you say?!"
F " this whole venture was doomed, I can see that now. One of Fitton's failures, but that's how we learn. Oh well....onwards"
Fitton drives off leaving George perplexed.

Back at Castle Saburac Catweazle sits , turns to Touchwood,
CW "oh Touchwood wouldst that he wound me back to our own time."
Catweazle looks at piece of recording tape he still has,
CW " but I still have thee O foolish Sam. I command thee...speak....no..what was it the sorcerer said?"

Catweazle places tape on his forehead,
CW " passed the head, ( moves tape across his forehead)....passed the head....nothing. nothing works!"

Cast;
Catweazle.....Geoffrey Bayldon
Carrot....Robin Davies
George....Charlie Tingwell
Sam......Neil Mccarthy
Fitton.....Bernard Hepton
Next episode;

Catweazle Episode 11- THE FLYING BROOMSTICKS ( SCENE BY SCENE)

Catweazle has been foraging in the woods, for birch brooms , the ones depicted as used by witches ie besoms. He has three of them and arriving back at Castle Saburac, the water tower he lives in, climbs the ladder carrying brooms. (Castle Saburac) Meanwhile near Hexwood Farm George Bennett and...

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